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Jokes, Notes and Quotes
T.P. Carter

Copyright 1991

ISBN 0-932281-07-9
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1    A man  charged with stealing his neighbor's mule was relieved when the
jury announced, "not guilty."  "Does this mean," he asked, "that I can keep
the mule?"
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2    In time of war the first casualty is truth.
-Boake Carter, American radio commentator
(1898-1944)
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3    When we are disappointed in life, Satan tries to whisper to us, not
"God is dead," but, "God doesn't care."
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4    Robert Louis Stevenson never enjoyed good health. He was a sickly
child. He enjoyed pressing his face against the windowpane and watching the
lamplighter light the lamps on the street. One night his nurse asked him,
"What are you doing, Robert?"  His immediate response was this, "I'm watching
that man knock holes in the darkness."  Instead of cursing the darkness, let
us light a candle, for light always conquers darkness.
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5    It is said that Alexander the Great kept a little model of a skeleton
on a table beside him at every feast and celebration. This served to remind
him that, even at its happiest, life was short and death must come.
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6    Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
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7    Research has shown that if the earth was the size of the moon, gravity
would be too weak for a sufficient atmosphere. If it was the size of Jupiter,
Saturn, or Uranus, extreme gravitation would make human movement almost
impossible.
     If it was as near to the Sun as Venus, the heat would be unbearable.
If it was as far away as Mars, then ice and snow would come every night.
     If the oceans of the earth were half their present size, we would
receive only one-fourth of the rainfall we receive. If they were one-eighth
larger, the annual rains would increase four times making the earth a swamp.
     Water solidifies at 32  Fahrenheit. If the oceans were subject to
that physical law, then ice would accumulate and there would be no possibi-
lity of life as we know it. God put salt in the oceans, to alter the freez-
ing point. "How many are Your works, O Lord-in wisdom You made them all."
(Psalm 104:24)
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8    Neil H. McElroy received news of his appointment as Secretary of
Defense just prior to a formal dinner with his wife. As he proudly adjusted
his tie in the mirror he asked his wife, "How many great men are there in the
world today?"  "One less than you think," she said.
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9    In Tramp for the Lord, Corrie ten Boom remembers being a little girl
and saying to her daddy,"... I am afraid that I will never be strong enough
to be a martyr for Jesus Christ."
     "Tell me," Father said, "when you take a train trip from Harlem to
Amsterdam, when do I give you the money for the ticket?  Three weeks before?"
     "No, Daddy, you give me the money for the ticket just before we get on
the train."
     "That is right . . . and so it is with God's strength. Our wise father
in heaven knows when you are going to need things too. Today you do not need
the strength to be a martyr, but as soon as you are called upon for the honor
of facing death for Jesus, He will supply the strength you need-just in
time."
-From Tramp for the Lord, by Corrie ten Boom
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10   One of C.S. Lewis' biographers noted, after observing Lewis' life,
that, "Character is the quiet consequence of what we think."
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11   Weeds grow fast, but produce no fruit.
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12   Mark Twain made note of the wisdom gained by experience:  "Anyone who
has had a bull by the tail knows five or six things more than someone who
hasn't."
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13   Chuck Swindoll shares about his experience on a canoeing trip with his
son. While getting on the church bus, Chuck says he was picking out the best
seats for himself and his son. After arriving, the leader gave a few
instructions to the group and had a prayer for their safety. During the
prayer Chuck confesses that one of his eyes was open in order to pick out the
best canoe.
The battle against selfishness is never-ending.
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14   God loves each one of us as if there was only one of us to love.
-St. Augustine (354-430)
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15   One reporter commented after a Fourth of July speech by former
president Carter:  "This is a mellow, triumphant Carter, laughing about
Navy days in South Philly, when after a night of celebratory affection with
Rosalyn, they conceived their first son:  'The nation was started here, and
so was my family.'
     "But the real Carter flared, I thought when a reporter noted that an
11-year-old spectator had called his July 4th speech 'boring'.
     "Carter's eyes hardened. 'To a child in Pennsylvania or New
Jersey or Georgia, with a good home, food, health, yes, human rights are
hollow words,' said Carter. 'But if your father's being tortured in prison,
or your family's in a refugee camp, or you're hungry and afraid, there's
nothing boring about human rights.' "
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16   One pastor said that during the first five years of his ministry,
he had a sign on his desk reading, "Win the world for Christ."  The
next five years the sign read, "Win five for Christ."  After ten years,
he changed the sign to read, "Don't lose too many."
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17   For seven years, Adoniram Judson, the renowned missionary to
Burma, suffered hardships in trying to evangelize the Burmese. He was
imprisoned for his missionary efforts, his body scarred by the chains and
shackles that bound him. At his release, he requested permission to
continue evangelism in another province. "My people are not fools enough
to listen to anything a missionary might say," responded the ungodly ruler,
"but I fear they might be impressed by your scars and turn to your
religion!"
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18   John Wesley at Aldersgate, with a heart strangely warmed, wrote
in his journal, "It was a quarter to nine and for the first time in my life
I knew that I trusted Jesus Christ alone for my salvation, and I felt my
heart strangely warmed and knew that He had delivered me from sin and death
unto eternal life."
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19   One black preacher was speaking about how good the day of
revival meetings had been. He said he wanted to top the day off with
a plate of ribs. "The way we know Adam was a white man," he
commented, "is because God wouldn't have taken that rib from a
black man."
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20   If you don't have time to fix a broken toy, don't expect to be
given the opportunity to fix a broken heart.
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21   Tasting Christ is . . . but another instance of pudding tasting.
While the chef may show that the pudding is able to assuage the hunger of
the body, the final proof is in the actual taste; and each man must do this
for himself. Thus with Christianity: Are its premises able to satisfy the
whole man? Is Christianity nourishing and clean? If it is not, then a ration-
al man ought to pass it by in favor of a more satisfying option. but if it
is, then to refrain from tasting would be foolish. "O taste and see that
Jehovah is good."  (Psalm 34:8)
     This is the sum of the matter:  Since we must suffer for
something, let us endeavor to suffer for the right.
-From A Philosophy of the Christian Religion,
by Edward John Carnell
(Christian Apologist, 1919-1967)
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22   "I have bad news and worst news," said the doctor on the
phone. "Give me the bad news first," said the man. "The bad news is
that you have 24 hours to live. The worst news is that I meant to call
you yesterday."
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23   In a news spot, Oliver North gave insight into the national debt.
He said that President Bush proposed to Congress a $720 million plan to
rebuild Panama and Nicaragua. Knowing the President's concern for this
cause, Congressmen took advantage of the situation and amended the
proposal with about 180 add-ons. The final proposal was bloated five
times to approximately $3.4 billion.
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24   The only peace we experience today is when people stop to
reload.
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25   The wife wanted a special gift for her husband's birthday. She
went to an import shop and began to leave discouraged until she saw
something in a cage beside the exit door. "That's a woolybooger,"
said the clerk. Grabbing a mop to demonstrate, he placed it near the
cage and said, "Woolybooger this mop!"  Immediately the
woolybooger came out of the cage and tore the mop to shreds. "Let
me try that," said the woman. "Woolybooger this broom!" When
nothing happened, the clerk explained that woolyboogers respond
only to the male voice. With great delight the woman took the gift
home, tied a ribbon on the cage, and placed it in the middle of the
floor. When her husband came home that evening he saw his gift and
asked, "Honey, what in the world is this?" "That's a woolybooger,
dear," she replied. In a tone of disbelief her husband responded,
"Woolybooger my fanny!"
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26   We tend to be satisfied with what we are and dissatisfied with
what we have. Look at our prayers. We pray for a change in our
environment and not a change in our character.
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27   The February 22, 1988, Albany Herald, (Albany, Georgia), ran an
article on Ida Stewart, Vice-President of Estee Lauder, Inc. During a two
day seminar she spoke on "Skin Care for Today's Woman." Then she
turned to preaching a sermon of warped values for today's woman. "To
exercise power," the article reads, "women must first take control of their
own lives." Mrs. Stewart told the women they were "powerhouses" and
that each one possessed "energy, vitality, and strength." "Are you in
control of yourself and your job and your family?" Mrs. Stewart asked.
"Who's at the switch? I've got news for you. Only you and I have our own
switch, and we can turn it off or we can turn it on." Voicing her concern
for their internal make-up, she told the participants to learn to simply say
"No" to anything that "drags them down and causes them to experience a
slow rot."
     "I don't care what it is," she said. "If you don't like your job; if
you don't like your children; if you don't like your husband; if you don't
like your mother-in-law, get rid of them! Take care of you!"
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28   What is the use of grace which I profess to have received which
leaves me exactly the same sort of person as I was before I received it? A
faith that does not lead to a drastic change of behavior will never lead to
a change of destiny.
-Charles H. Spurgeon (1834-1892)
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29   Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.
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30   A Texas rancher was bragging about the size of his farm to an
Iowa farmer. "You know, I can get up early in the morning and drive
all day long and never reach the end of my farm."  With dry wit the
Iowan said, "Yeah-I used to have a car like that."
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31   Conversion, to be genuine, need not conform to a certain type.
It may be as gradual as the coming of a sunrise, or as sudden as
lightning.
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32   Cheap grace means grace as a doctrine, a principle, a system. It
means forgiveness of sins proclaimed as a general truth, the love of God
taught as the Christian 'conception' of God. An intellectual assent to that
idea is held to be of itself sufficient to secure remission of sins. The
Church which holds the correct doctrine of grace has, it is supposed, ipso
facto a part in that grace. In such a Church the world finds a cheap
covering for its sins; no contrition is required, still less any real desire
to be delivered from sin. Cheap grace therefore amounts to a denial of the
living Word of God, in fact, a denial of the Incarnation of the Word of God.
Cheap grace means the justification of sin without the justification of the
sinner .
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906-1945)
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33   One man said he quit going to football games because he
didn't like the people huddling in the middle of the field and talking
about him.
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34   All our children were in bed. The late television news was over,
and I was putting the finishing touches to a presentation for some medical
students scheduled to be given the next day. As I reviewed some slides
which might be used, there appeared on the screen a picture of an abortion
victim, aged two and one-half months' gestation; her body had been
dismembered by a curette, the long-handled knife used in a D & C
abortion procedure.
     Suddenly I heard, rather than saw, another person near me. At the
sound of a sharp intake of breath, I turned to find that my youngest son,
then a sleepy, rumpled three-year-old, had unexpectedly and silently
entered the room. His small voice was filled with great sadness as he
asked, "Who broke the baby?"
     How could this small, innocent child see what so many adults
cannot see? How could he know instinctively that this which many people
carelessly dismiss as tissue or a blob was one in being with him, was like
him? In the words of his question he gave humanity to what adults call
"fetal matter"; in the tone of his question he mourned what we exalt as a
sign of liberation and freedom. With a wisdom which often escapes the
learned, he asked in the presence of the evidence before his eyes, "Who
broke the baby?"
-From Who Broke the Baby?,
by Jean Stakes Garton
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35   I will let no man so narrow my soul as to make me hate him.
-Booker T. Washington (1856-1915)
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36              THE ART OF RESTORATION

     During World War II the city of Warsaw, Poland, was bombed
for six years. The Nazis were determined to wipe it from the face of the
earth. In a city of 3,500,000 only a handful crawled out of the rubble to
greet the victorious German army when they arrived.
     Later when the Nazis themselves had been defeated, the people
who had fled to the countryside returned. Someone produced some old
photographs. And with bare hands the Polish people began to rebuild the
heart of their city stone by stone, lovingly, exactly. Where the former
seven-hundred-year-old roof sagged, the reconstructed roof sagged.
Today, standing in the center of this reconstructed area, one is easily
transported back seven hundred years.
     But here is the interesting thing: after the war when Germany had
an old town or an old building which they wanted to restore, where did
they look for help? To Polish artisans!
     So your life has been devastated? God will give you the vision,
strength, skill to rebuild. And with Him beside you, the reconstruction can
begin.
     And who knows? Perhaps you will be permitted someday to use that art of
restoration to help the very ones responsible for the devastation.
-From Legacy of a Packrat, by Ruth Bell Graham
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37   The lions could not eat Daniel because he was all backbone.
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38   If I declare with loudest voice and clearest exposition every
portion of God's Truth except for that one little bit which the world and
the devil are at the moment attacking, I am not confessing Christ no
matter how boldly I may be professing Christ. For the soldier to be
steady on all the battlefield besides is mere flight and disgrace if he
flinches at that single point.
-Martin Luther (1483-1546)
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39   The optician fell into a lens-grinding machine and made a
spectacle of himself.
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40   Sanctify our love of country, Lord God of heaven, who hath so
lavishly blessed this land. Make us, Thy people, to be humble. Keep us
ever aware that the good things we enjoy have come from Thee, that
Thou didst lend them to us.
     Impress upon our smugness the knowledge that we are not
owners-but stewards; remind us, lest we become filled with conceit, that
one day a reckoning will be required of us.
     Sanctify our love of country, that our boasting may be turned into
humility and our pride into a ministry to men everywhere.
     Help us make this God's own country by living like God's own
people.
-Peter Marshall (1902-1949)
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41   The three vital decisions that youth must make:
     Who will be my master (Lord)?
     What will be my mission (vocation)?
     Who will be my mate (marriage)?
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42   Our laws and our institutions must necessarily be based upon and
embody the teachings of the Redeemer of mankind. It is impossible that it
should be otherwise; and in this sense and to this extent our civilization
and our institutions are emphatically Christian ....  This is a religious
people. This is historically true. From the discovery of this continent to
the present hour, there is a single voice making this affirmation ... we
find everywhere a clear recognition of the same truth ....  These, and many
other matters which might be noticed, add a volume of unofficial declara-
tions to the mass of organic utterances that this is a Christian nation.
-Supreme Court Decision, 1892.
Church of the Holy Trinity vs. United States
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43   America will survive until Americans learn they can vote
themselves benefits.
-Alexis de Tocqueville (1805-1859)
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44   We are no more human than when we need forgiveness; we are
no more godly than when we forgive.
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45   Christian theologians have long debated whether we first know
that we might believe, or believe that we might know. The truth is that we
do both. First we know in order that we might believe; then we believe in
order that we might know. Observe the following illustration: Before asensi-
ble man will leap into a body of water, he will first rationally persuade
himself that the blue patch beneath him is actually water and not just a
sheet of painted concrete. Once he is rationally convinced that the water is
safe and clear, he is then ready to commit himself to the pool. First he
knows; then he believes. But this is not the end of the matter. Now he
must act upon this belief. After diving into the pool, he comes into the
possession of a body of knowledge which could never be gained by an
eternity of rational anticipation. He now knows by experience what it is
like to be wet and refreshed. After believing, he knows.
-From A Philosophy of the Christian Religion,
by Edward John Carnell
(Christian Apologist, 1919-1967)
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46   There are four things God doesn't know:
     A sinner He doesn't love.
     A sin He doesn't hate.
     A better way of salvation than through Jesus Christ.
     A better time for salvation than now.
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47   If I had to do it over again, I would spend more time studying than
preaching.
-Billy Graham
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48   "Dad, some kid said I look just like you."
     "And what did you say?" asked the proud father.
     "Nothin'. He's a lot bigger than me!"
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49   Nicholas Berdyaev, who abandoned Marx for Christianity, insists
that neither history nor theology nor the church brought him to the
Christian faith, but a simple woman called only Mother Maria. He was
present at a concentration camp when the Nazis were murdering Jews in
gas chambers. One distraught mother refused to part with her baby. When
Maria saw that the officer was only interested in numbers, without a word
she pushed the mother aside and quickly took her place. This action
brought Berdyaev to faith in Jesus Christ, the good shepherd who lays
down his life for his sheep.
-Proclaim
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50   After a long and stressful layover in an airport in Zaire,
Evangelist Mark Rutland commented humorously, "I don't know if
hell is real, but I know purgatory is!"
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51       THE PRAYER OF A MOTHER IN AFRICA

Now the children are asleep, my Lord.
I am tired and would spend a half hour in stillness with Thee.
I want to bathe my soul in Thy infinity, like the workingmen who plunge
into the surf to shed the dust and heat of their bodies.
Let my burning heart feel Thy ever-renewing power;
Let my clouded spirit be lost in the crystal clarity of Thy wisdom;
Heal my unworthy love in the waters of Thy love, which is so true, steady
and deep.
O Lord, I would not stand to be a mother one more day, if I thought I had
to account for all my faults; I am all sin.
My love walks over my wisdom, but I love my children.
I know that their little seeing eyes see through me, right to my soul, that
they imitate me.
Help me, O Lord, to be good in the deepest of my intentions, good in all
my desires.
Make of me what I wish my children to be, with a heart that is strong, true
and great.
Help me not to be annoyed by the little things.
Give me the large view of things, a sense of proportion so that I can truly
judge what is important, what is not.
Lend me strength to be a real mother to my children, knowing how to turn
right their souls and their imaginations, knowing how to help them
unfold their dreams and care for their bodies.
Guard them against evil and let them grow up healthy and pure.
This I ask in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
-Anonymous
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52   For many, religion is like a train: they will ride only if it's
going their way.
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53   The teacher sent this note home with one of her students, "If
you won't believe everything Johnny says about school, I won't
believe everything he says about home."
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54   A young man who was graduating from college in England had the
following conversation with the great Prime Minister, William Gladstone:
     "Mr. Gladstone, I would like to lay before you my plans for my
life and ask your opinion about them."
     "Fine, young man, what are they?"
     "I intend to enter law school and become a lawyer."
     "That's fine."
     "I hope to have some success in my practice and then perhaps run
for the House of Commons."
     "Yes, and what then?"
     "Well, then I hope to be able to serve my country in some
patriotic fashion."
     "That's fine. And what then?"
     "I haven't given that too much thought, but I suppose I will retire."
     "Yes, and what then?"
     "I suppose that I will die!"
     "Yes, that is true. And what then?"
     "Well, sir, I have really never thought that far."
     Gladstone looked into the face of the young man and said, "Young
man, you are a fool. Go home and think life through."
-From a sermon by Dr. D. James Kennedy
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55   All the experts in the world laid end to end wouldn't reach a
conclusion.
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56   A recent Gallup Poll has shown that 90 million American
churchgoers are inactive and uncommitted.
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57   One Romanian Christian testifies that many of the priests and
pastors in communist countries were paid by government agents to report
movements of their congregation:  Do they meet in secret? Do they have
secret baptisms? On Monday mornings, priests and pastors reportedly
lined up waiting to submit their reports.
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58   Speak in such a way that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the
family parrot to the town gossip.
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59   Some say we must teach our schoolchildren that having babies out
of marriage is wrong-but that the public school cannot teach children that
premarital sex is wrong, because it would break the wall of separation
between Church and State. One pastor comments, "Nonsense, there isn't
any constitutional difference between teaching teenagers that it's wrong to
have a baby and that it's wrong to engage in premarital sex."
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60   Sign in a library: Silence is golden, so shut up and glisten.
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61   Silence is not always golden. Sometimes it's just plain yellow.
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62   A young sixteen-year-old music student was having a crisis arising
from differences with his music teacher. Then the renowned pianist Emil
von Sauer, Liszt's last surviving pupil, came through town and asked the
young student to play for him.
     He listened intently to Bach's Toccata in C Major and requested
more. I put all my heart into playing Beethoven's "Pathetique"
Sonata and continued with Schumann's "Papillons." Finally, Von
Sauer rose and kissed me on the forehead. "My son," he said,
"when I was your age, I became a student of Liszt. He kissed me on
the forehead after my first lesson, saying, Take good care of this
kiss-it comes from Beethoven, who gave it to me after hearing me
play! I have waited for years to pass on this sacred heritage, but
now I feel you deserve it.' "
     Nothing in my life has meant as much to me as Von Sauer's
praise. Beethoven's kiss miraculously lifted me out of my crisis and
helped me to become the pianist I am today. Soon I in turn will pass
it on to the one who most deserves it.
     Praise is a potent force, a candle in a dark room. It is magic,
and I marvel that it always works.
-From Andor Foldes, renowned pianist, writing in Reader's Digest.
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63   The little band of soldiers was completely surrounded by the
enemy. The courageous captain shouted to his men, "Men, we're
surrounded by the enemy-don't let one of them escape."
-Vance Havner
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64   Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
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65   Do to us what you will and we will continue to love you . . .
Throw us in jail and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten
our children, and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of
violence into our community at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us
half dead, and we shall still love you. But be ye assured that we will wear
you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall win freedom, but
not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience
that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double
victory.
-Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)
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66   "Pastor, what's the difference between cherubim and
seraphim?" asked the inquisitive parishioner.  Thinking for a
moment, the minister replied, "Well, they had a difference, but they
have made up."
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67   John Wesley once said to his preachers, "It is not your business to
preach so many times, and to take care of this or that society (small group
of Christians); but to save as many souls as you possibly can; to bring as
many sinners as you possibly can to repentance, and with all your power
to build them up in that holiness without which they cannot see the Lord."
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68   Let the religious element in man's nature be neglected, let him be
influenced by no higher motive than the love of self-interest, and subjected
to no stronger restraint than the limits of civil authority, and he becomes
the creature of selfish passion or blind fanaticism.
     On the other hand, the cultivation of the religious sentiment
represses licentiousness . . . inspires respect for law and order, and gives
strength to the whole social fabric, at the same time that it conducts the
human soul upward to the Author of its being.
-Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
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69   The hot dog is the noblest of all dogs, since it feeds the hand
that bites it.
-Peter's Quotations
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70   During the Passover before Christ's death, Jerusalem was a crowd
of 1 1/2 million people. One researcher refers to the ancient practice of
killing one lamb for every ten people and suggests that at least 250,000
lambs were slain at this Passover.
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71   A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country
road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a
horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir,
I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars.
I keep my trophies in the barn."
     Stunned by this conversation, the salesman began to compute
the value of a talking horse. He found the horse's owner and offered
a handsome sum for the animal. "Aw, you don't want that horse,"
said the farmer.
     "Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $100,000 for
the horse." Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without
hesitation, "He's yours."
     While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the
way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"
     "Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar-he hasn't won a race
in his life."
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72   The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in time of
great moral crisis maintain their neutrality.
-Dante Alighieri (1265-1321)
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73   One day the gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St.
Peter calls out to the devil, "It's your turn to fix the gate."
     "I don't have time," the devil replies, "I'm too busy trying to
keep this place warm."
     "Well then," says Peter, "I guess I'll have to sue you for
breaking our agreement."
     The devil responds, "Just where are you going to get a
lawyer?"
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74   One writer writes humorously about one who refuses to face
reality: "Even today, after reading the morning news and the latest issue of
Time magazine, and even though I acknowledge countless gallons of
human tears, the endless cycle of agonizing tragedy, I, along with the
world's majority, maintain that Adam made the right decision. Even as I
swallow my tranquilizers, rush to my psychiatrist, take that extra drink,
endure my third divorce, and watch my children reject all the ideals I have
tried to pass on, I still say there is hope!"
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75   Two businessmen are discussing their families over lunch. "I
have six children," says one proudly. "That's a nice family," says the
other, "I wish I had six children."
     "Don't you have children?" asks the other with a sympathetic
voice. "Yeah, ten!"
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76   It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
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77   The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble by us; and
I for one must be content to remain an agnostic.
-Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
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78   For 39 years, David Livingstone traveled the continent of Africa
as a missionary. He walked 29,000 miles and brought Christ to two million
Africans. His prayer of commitment follows: "Lord, send me anywhere,
only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. Sever any ties
but the tie that binds me to Thy service and to Thy heart."
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79   Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their
product that they do on advertising, and they wouldn't have to advertise.
-Will Rogers (1879-1935)
_
80   A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up
the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up
and down and says, "I've got news for you-you're going straight to
hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens,
I'm on the wrong bus!"
-From Did You Hear the One About . . .,
by Soupy Sales
_
81   Phillip Guedella was an accomplished biographer. On one
occasion he shared this experience with a group:
     "Now take the time when I was working on the life of the Duke of
Wellington. I was very fortunate indeed. I had studied, I had researched, I
had gathered my information, but I didn't really feel like I knew the Duke
of Wellington. But then I chanced upon the stubs of his checkbook."
     That is when the Duke's personality was truly exposed to
Guedella. Our innermost being is revealed by the things we truly treasure.
_
82   Life's ultimate statistic is the same for all . . . one out of one
dies!
-George Bernard Shaw(1856-1950)
_
83   A police dog responds to the ad for work with the FBI.
"Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict
requirements. First you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per
minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and
complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finished
the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the
director continues, "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the
dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
_
84   A closed mouth gathers no feet.
_
85   "There is an old story," William Barclay writes, "of three
apprentice devils who were coming from hell to earth to serve their time.
They were telling Satan before they left what they proposed to do. Onesaid,
'I will tell men that there is no God.' 'That,' said Satan, 'will not do
because in their heart of hearts they know there is.' 'I will tell men,' said
the second, 'that there is no hell.' 'That,' said Satan, 'is still more hope-
less for even in life they have experienced the remorse of hell.'  'I will
tell men,' said the third, 'that there is no hurry.' 'Go,' said Satan, 'tell
them that and you will ruin them by the million.' "
_
86   God will take care of the poor, but God won't take care of the
poor and lazy.
-Louis Armstrong (1900-1971)
_
87   George Rodriguez was a bank robber who would cross the
Mexican border, rob a bank, and then escape back over the border.
One day a government agent followed him from the bank to recover
the stolen gold. He lost him momentarily as Rodriguez buried the
gold near his hideaway. Finding him in a saloon, the agent came up
behind Rodriguez, placed his gun to his temple and asked, "Where
did you bury the gold?" Realizing that George couldn't understand
English, the agent employed the services of the young waiter, who
was bilingual. "Tell him," said the agent, "If he doesn't tell me where
he hid the gold, then I'll blow his head off." After receiving the
interpretation, George began to tremble in fear. "I'll tell you exactly
where it is-I buried it at the crossroads, ten paces east of the large
cactus. You'll see the fresh dirt on top-just, please don't shoot me."
Thinking deeply for a moment, the young waiter gave this
interpretation. "Mr. Agent, George, here, says he's a real brave
man-he doesn't care what you do to him. He is not going to tell you
where the gold is buried!"
_
88   It is said that men have five times more nightmares than women.
The most prevalent theme is the fear of not being able to provide for the
family.
_
89   If you want to plant for a season, plant a garden. If you want to
plant for a century, plant a tree. If you want to plant for eternity, touch
a life.
_
90   The husband says to his wife, "Let's see what Johnny is going
to be when he grows up." So they place a ten dollar bill on the table
next to a Bible and a bottle of whiskey. "This money represents a
banker. This Bible represents a preacher. This whiskey represents a
bum." From around the corner they watch as Johnny comes in and
spies the items on the table.
     He picks up the ten and holds it to the light. He lays it down
and picks up the Bible. After flipping through the Bible he picks up
the whiskey bottle and uncorks it, smelling the contents. Pausing for
a moment, he looks around to see if anyone is watching. Then in one
sweeping motion he pockets the ten, puts the Bible under his arm,
and grabs the bottle on his way out of the room.
     The father then turns to the mother and says, "How about
that? He's going to be a politician!"
-From Did You Hear the One About . . . ,
by Soupy Sales
_
91   I can live two months on a good compliment.
-Mark Twain (1835-1910)
_
92   Dwight L. Moody shares the story of two millers who used to run
their mill day and night. Every night at midnight one of them would go
down the stream and get out a few hundred yards above the dam. From
there the brother miller would take the boat and row back to work his
shift.
     One night the miller fell asleep, and when he awoke he found
himself only a few yards from the dam. He grabbed the oar and pulled
against the stream, but the current was too strong. Working his way near
the shore he grabbed a twig that began to give way at the roots. "Help,
help, help!" he cried. At last, someone threw him a rope. At that point he
had to make a crucial decision-to let go of the twig that could not save
him, and take hold of the rope.
     We must let go of our own self-righteous works-they will not save
us-and take hold of Christ in faith.
_
93   The atomic scientist was so exhausted from the lecture circuit
that he let his chauffeur give one of his lectures while he dressed as
the chauffeur. During the question and answer period there came a
very difficult question. Holding his composure the chauffeur-turned-
atomic-scientist responded, "That question is so ridiculously simple
to answer, I'm going to have my chauffeur answer it for you."
_
94   A lie travels around the world while truth is still putting on her
boots.
_
95   In Germany they came first for the communists, and I didn't
speak up because I wasn't a communist. Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the
trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a
Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to
speak up.
-Martin Niemoeller, German Theologian (1892-1984)
_
96   Late night talk-show host, Arsenio Hall, once said jokingly,
"The name 'Arsenio' is African for 'Leroy.' "
_
97   Demonstrating Jesus' amazing fulfillment of all 61 major
prophecies and the over 270 ramifications, one researcher took only eight
of the prophecies that Jesus fulfilled and illustrated the odds with the
following:
     "Suppose we take the state of Texas and cover it with silver
dollars two feet deep.  Take one of the silver dollars, mark it with an x,
and toss it into the state of Texas. Then, blindfold a man and tell him that
he can travel as far as he wishes, but he must pick up one silver dollar and
say that this is the right one. What chance would he have of getting the
right one? Just the same chance that the prophets would have had of
writing these eight prophecies and having them all come true in any one
man, from their day to the present time, providing they wrote them in their
own wisdom."
-From Evidence That Demands a Verdict,
by Josh McDowell
(quoting Peter Stoner in Science Speaks)
_
98   God honors obedience, and not much else.
_
99   The little league coach called one of his players over and said
he would like to explain some of the principles of sportsmanship:
     "We don't believe in angry temper tantrums, screaming at the
umpires, using bad language, or sulking when we lose. Do you
understand what I am saying?" The boy nodded.
     "All right then," said the coach, "do you think you can
explain it to your father jumping around over there in the stands?"
_
100  One radio broadcast spoke of the horrendous consequences of
nuclear war: "In times of peace, children bury their parents. In times of
war, parents bury their children. In times of nuclear war, no one is left to
bury."
_
101  Note the wisdom in this old Hindu proverb: Help thy brother's
boat across, and lo, thine own has reached the shore.
_
102  Researchers say that only 7% of our communication comes from
the actual words we speak. Our total voice (tone, inflection, etc.) makes
up 38%, and our gestures make up the remaining 55%. Therefore, as Paul
says, "Let us love in word and in deed." Not only say, "I love you," but
show it.
_
103  "If you memorize this little formula," said the speaker
pointing to his head, "then you'll have it in a nutshell."
_
104  In early New England, it was the custom at Thanksgiving to place
five grains of corn at every plate as a reminder of the first winter, when
food was so depleted that only five grains of corn were rationed to each
individual.
     The Pilgrim fathers wanted their children to remember the
suffering which made possible the settlement of a free people in a free
land-that on the day in which their ration was so reduced, only seven
healthy colonists remained to nurse the sick and nearly half their number
lay in the windswept graveyard on the hill. Perhaps it would help us to be
thankful if we were to see only five grains of corn beside our Thanksgiving
plates.
_
105  Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of
a rat.
-Harry E. Fosdick (1878-1969)
_
106  "Why is first class postage so expensive?" complained the
businesswoman to the postal clerk. "Well, that's an easy one," came
the response. "Two cents for delivering the letter and the rest is for
storage."
_
107  The best index to a man's character is (a) how he treats people
who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight
back. (Jesus would add, (c) how he treats people who mistreat him.)
-Abigail Van Buren
_
108  I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face
postoperative, her mouth twisted in a palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the
facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth has been severed. She
will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor
the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the
tumor in her cheek, I had cut the little nerve.
     Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side
of the bed, and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight,
isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry-
mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously,
greedily? The young woman speaks.
     "Will my mouth always be like this?" she asks.
     "Yes," I say, "it will. It is because the nerve was cut."
     She nods, and is silent. But the young man smiles.
     "I like it," he says. "It is kind of cute."
     All at once I know who he is. I understand, and I lower my gaze.
One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss
her crooked mouth, and I so close I can see how he twists his own lips to
accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works. I remember
that the gods appeared in ancient Greece as mortals, and I hold my breath
and let the wonder in.
-From Mortal Lessons, Notes on the Art of Surgery,
 by Richard Selzer
_
109  A little third-grader wrote the following to the General
Electric Company: "I'm trying to get all the information I can, so
please send me any booklets and papers you have on electricity. Also,
would it be asking too much for you to send me a little sample?"
_
110  When one becomes a father, then one becomes a son. Standing by
the crib of one's own baby, with that world-old pang of compassion and
protectiveness toward this so-little creature that has all its course to
run, the heart flies back in yearning and gratitude to those who felt just
so toward oneself. Then for the first time one understands the homely
succession of sacrifices and pains by which life is transmitted and fostered
down the stumbling generations of men.
-Christopher D. Morley, American Author (1890-1957)
_
111  The hen is the egg's way of producing another egg.
-Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
_
112  Abraham Bininger, a Swiss boy from Zurich, came to America on
the same ship that brought John Wesley. That trip took the lives of both of
Bininger's parents, who were buried at sea.
     As a man, he traveled to St. Thomas Island in hopes of
evangelizing the black slaves who were being greatly oppressed. When he
arrived, he found that the plantation owners were trying to keep the blacks
in ignorance and superstition. The law forbade any person but a slave to
preach to the slaves. Bininger sent a letter to the Governor of the Island,
who eventually sent it to the King of Denmark. It was a request from
Bininger to become a slave for the rest of his life, promising to serve
faithfully, provided he could give his leisure time to preaching to his
fellow slaves.
     The King was so moved, he sent an edict allowing Bininger to preach
Christ whenever and wherever he chose-and to whomever hechose, black or
white, slave or free.
_
113  Do we see the Spirit of God as a power to use or a power that
uses us? Do we possess the Spirit or does the Spirit possess us?
_
114  The headline in a small-town newspaper read: "Toilet Seats
Stolen-Police Have Nothing To Go On."
_
115  Bishop Wilke, of the United Methodist Church, compares John
Naisbitt's comments on the railroads (in Megatrends) to the Church today:
"The Pennsylvania Railroad was chosen as the best-run corporation in the
world. This is not so today. Now, the railroads are in disrepair and
disgrace. What happened? Naisbitt says those in charge of the railroads
misunderstood the law of the situation. The law of the situation requires
that we ask ourselves what business we are really in. The railroad
magnates thought they were in the business of running railroads. Wrong!
They were in the transportation business. What might have happened if
they had understood they were in the transportation business! Naisbitt
conjectures that Pennsylvania Railroad would have been expanded to
include trucking, airlines, and would have seen its whole task as moving
people and produce effectively and efficiently from one place to another.
     "Many people believe that our business is to run the church. That's why
we're in trouble, just as the railroads are in trouble. Our job is not to run
the Church. Our job is to save the world."
       -From And Are We Yet Alive? by Richard B. Wilke
_
116  People talk of the sacrifice I have made in spending so much of
my life in Africa . . . Away with such a word, such a view, and such a
thought! It is emphatically no sacrifice. Say rather it is a privilege ... I
never made a sacrifice. Of this we ought not to talk when we remember
the great sacrifice which He made who left His Father's throne on high to
give Himself for us.
-David Livingstone (1813-1873)
_
117  The grandson overheard his grateful grandmother praying:
"Lord, you know I only have two teeth. I'm just thankful they're
opposite one another."
_
118  The Special Olympics for handicapped persons is somewhat
different from the regular Olympic Games. On one occasion when the
special group of handicapped athletes began running the 100 yard dash,
one of them tripped and fell. Immediately they all stopped the race to see
about the fellow-runner. "Are you okay?" one asked. "Yes, but my leg
hurts." One of the group bent down and kissed his leg. "It feels better
now," he said. With spontaneity they took each other's hands and finished
the race together.
_
119  The value of a gift is always determined by how much we keep
for ourselves.
_
120  Little Johnny was out in the backyard building on something
with his blocks. "What are you building?" asked his father. "Shhh . .
.," said Johnny, "it's a church." With a whisper, the father asked,
"Why do we need to be so quiet?" "Because," said the boy,
"everyone is sleeping."
_
121  Jacob Needleman was being interviewed by Bill Moyers when the
conversation focused upon Needleman's seminars on money. "It's not a
seminar on how to make it, but on how it has shaped us. The number one
question I am asked by those attending is, 'How can I make a living and
not lose my soul?' " On the subject of time he said, "We have lived one
hundred years with devices intended to save us time, yet we are still a time
impoverished society."
_
122  Already suspicious of lawyers, fishermen, and insurance
salespersons, the Liar's Hall of Fame bars inductions of politicians, in
order to keep its amateur status.
_
123  In one of his sermons, Dr. D. James Kennedy tells about Bill
Bright who traveled extensively with Campus Crusade: "When he would
return home from his travels, he would see his two 'little guys', as he
referred to them, and would say to them, 'Well, little guys, what would
you like to do with Daddy?' They would always reply, 'We want to
wrestle!' And so, tired as he was, Bill would get down on the living room
floor and tussle and wrestle with those two little guys until he, not they,
was totally exhausted. Then one time, Bill thought to himself, 'I wonder
what would happen if some day when I came home, instead of my saying
to them, 'Well, little guys, what would you like to do?', they came up to
me and said, 'Daddy, we love you and whatever you want to do, we will
be happy to do.' Bill thought, 'What would I say?' Then he thought, 'Ah, I
know what I would say! I would say to them, 'Aha! Now I've got you
right where I have been wanting to get you for years. Now you are mine in
my grasp. I'm going to take away all your toys, and it is going to be
cauliflower for dinner and spinach for breakfast from now on.' Then Bill
thought, 'Of course I would not say that! What I probably would say,
being so overwhelmed, is, 'Well, little guys, let's go down to the Dairy
Queen. I want to get you the biggest ice cream cone I can get. Then, when
we come home, we can get down on the floor and wrestle!' Unfortunately,
the first idea we have about God is that God is going to do something
terrible to us if we surrender ourselves completely into His hands."
_
124  A woman joined a convent before she learned that as a nun,
she could talk only once a year. The first year she said to the Mother
Superior, "My room is cold." "We'll get you a blanket," was the
response. The second year she said, "My bed is hard." "We'll get you
a mattress," was the response. The third year she said, "My room is
too dark." "We'll get you a brighter lamp." was the response. The
fourth year she had done some thinking and said "I quit." "Well,"
came the response, "We were thinking about letting you go anyway.
You're always complaining."
_
125  Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
-Will Rogers (1879-1935)
_
126  Our highest goal is not our happiness but our holiness.
_
127       PRAYER OF ST. PATRICK

May the wisdom of God instruct me, the eye of God watch over me, the
ear of God hear me, the word of God give me sweet talk, the hand of God
defend me, the way of God guide me.
     Christ be with me.
     Christ before me.
     Christ in me.
     Christ under me.
     Christ over me.
     Christ on my right hand.
     Christ on my left hand.
     Christ on this side.
     Christ on that side.
     Christ in the head of everyone to whom I speak.
     Christ in the mouth of every person who speaks to me.
     Christ in the eye of every person who looks upon me.
     Christ in the ear of everyone who hears me today.
        Amen.
_
128  Commenting on his philosophy of life, one yuppie said to
another, "Some people think they can make their problems go away
by spending a little money. That's not true-you must spend lots of
money."
_
129  During flight #401 from New York to Miami, the pilot and co-pilot
spend considerable time trying to replace a 75 cent light bulb-the one that
indicates that the landing gear is down. They were unaware of the
dramatic loss in altitude, and the jet crashed into a swamp. The result of
placing priority on insignificant things in life is tragedy.
_
130  Bishop Fitzgerald, of the United Methodist Church, was
scheduled for a six o'clock devotional at the local radio station.
Embarrass-ingly, he overslept and awoke to hear on the radio which
hymns would be played in his absence. The first hymn was, "Rise Up,
O Men of God."
_
131  The story is told of a family's house burning while the parents are
away. The babysitter and children escape except one little boy who is left
crying at an open window on the second floor. Holding their net below the
window, the firemen use their best persuasion to get the boy to jump-but to
no avail. Suddenly the father arrives at the blazing scene and calls up to
his boy, "Son, I know you can't see me, but this is your father. We have a
net below you to catch you, so I want you to jump." Recognizing his
father's voice and knowing his father to be trustworthy, the boy jumps.
     It is those who know the voice of God and know him to be
worthy of trust who are able to trust and obey.
_
132  There is a true story about a church that needed a painting
very badly. One of the members who worked at a paint store asked
the preacher how many gallons were needed. "About eight," said the
preacher. "I don't know," the man said with a disturbed look. "I'm
not sure I can steal that much."
_
133  We have a great need for Christ and a great Christ for our need.
-Charles H. Spurgeon (1834-1892)
_
134  After a long political speech during an Oklahoma election,
one reporter asked an Indian his opinion. The Indian's response:
"High wind, big thunder, no rain."
_
135  Listen to these true testimonies about soap operas:

-"It was terrible. When my favorite star died, I cried for two days."
-"I gave up watching the soaps when I found myself lying awake at night
wondering what would happen in the next episode."
-"My grandfather got so involved, when one of the soap stars died he sent
a sympathy card to the television station."
-"I accidentally picked up our party line and overheard a woman crying on
the line.  She was mourning the death of her favorite soap opera star."
-"I came home during lunch and found my grandfather dressed in his suit
and wearing white gloves. He was getting ready for the wedding on his
favorite soap."
_
136  Golf is a terrible game.  I'm glad I don't have to play again
until tomorrow.
_
137  Stephen W. Hawking is a quadraplegic, one of the most respected
scientists of our day. In his best-selling book, A Brief History of Time, he
makes this interesting statement in the concluding chapter:  "If we find a
complete theory (a unified theory of physics that would explain the
universe) . . . then we will know why it is that we and the universe exist
and will have achieved the ultimate achievement of reason, and then we
would know the mind of God." In his book, he also reasons that if there is
a beginning, then logically there could be a God.
_
138  Sir Michael Faraday, the great scientist who discovered
magnetism, was asked on his deathbed, "Sir Michael, what speculations do
you have about life after death?" "Speculations!" he replied. "Why I have
no speculations! I'm resting on certainties! 'I know whom I have believed,
and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed
unto Him against that day.' "
-From a sermon by Dr. D. James Kennedy
_
139  The miser was so stingy that he would place a quarter in the
church offering plate as though it were a manhole cover. One day he
was walking home from work and was attacked by two men. They
struggled and fought till finally the two men wrestled away all the
miser had on him-a mere 87 cents. After counting their coins, one of
the robbers said to the other, "We should be thankful. If that fellow
had had a dollar on him, he would have killed both of us."
_
140  In 1935 Hitler was discussing the need for four years to build his
earth-shaking military. During the same period he was out signing peace
treaties. He was following Lenin's wisdom: "Treaties are like pie crusts-
they are made to be broken."
_
141  Paul Harvey tells the story of a man on the way to an interview who
felt compelled to stop and help a lady with a flat tire. Arriving late for
his appointment, he figured he wouldn't get the job, but he filled out the
application anyway. When he was called in for his interview, he
recognized that the personnel director was the same lady he had helped
with a flat tire. He got the job.
_
142  As the older widower introduced himself to the group, he
went on to state his life's goal: "My goal is to live to be 100 years old
and be killed by a jealous husband."
_
143  Communist agents raided a church where 18 new Christians were
about to be baptized in defiance of orders against it.  As the agents pulled
out their clubs and approached the pulpit area to make a bloody example
out of the pastors, the candidates for baptism formed a human fence and
took the beatings, protecting the pastors. As the fence deteriorated, one
pastor escaped, hoping to arrive in Bucharest in order to get the news of
persecution to Western Christians.
     Hitching a ride with the first car available, he was shocked to find
one of the agents driving. Realizing that he was unrecognized, he got into
the car and began a conversation with the half-drunken communist agent.
     As the talk focused on "the Repenters" (the name  given to
committed Christians), the pastor asked, with a naive tone, "If Christianity
is a foolish opiate of the people, why not let it run its course?" "Because,"
said the agent, "these Christians are messing up our plans for society."
"Well," said the pastor, "you are strong enough-why not round up all the
Christians and kill them?"
     Stopping the car, and looking at the pastor, the agent said, "You
foolish man, you don't understand. If we kill them, they multiply even
more!"
     Yes, history has proven it true-the blood of the martyrs is the seed
of the Church.
-A true story of a Romanian refugee
_
144  The largest room in the world is the room for improvement.
_
145  The story is told of a building contractor who left his trusted
foreman in charge of building a very nice home while he went away
on vacation. While the contractor was away, the foreman purchased
cheap materials and pocketed the money saved. On returning, the
contractor announced his desire to give the keys to the house to one
of his most trusted friends and co-workers-the foreman.
_
146  Many of us die with the music still in us.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
_
147  While attending an out-of-town business seminar, Joe and
Bill decided to rent a boat and go fishing. As dusk approached they
came upon an area teeming with fish and filled their cooler.
     "We'll come back tomorrow," said Bill. "You mark the spot
and I'll get the motor started."        After docking the
boat, Joe pointed to an "X" on the bottom of the boat where he had
marked the spot. Bill was embarrassed and upset.  "That won't do
us any good. How do you know we'll get the same boat tomorrow?"
_
148  There is a true story about a preacher who paid his fare for the
trolley and received too much change. "God is sure good to provide for
me," he thought. Then he began to feel bad and offered it back to the
driver saying, "You gave me too much change." "I know," said the driver,
"I heard you preach on honesty yesterday, and I wanted to put it to the
test."
_
149  While John Wesley was preaching, it had become obvious that a
man up front had fallen asleep. "Fire, fire!" yelled Wesley.
     "Where? Where?" cried the waking man.
     "In hell," said Wesley, "for those who sleep under the Gospel."
_
150  Check out these classified ads:
     -Farmer, age thirty-eight, wishes to meet a woman around
thirty-five who owns a tractor. Please enclose picture of
tractor.
     -For sale: Complete 25-volume set of Encyclopedia
Brittanica; latest edition-never used-wife knows
everything.
_
151  The smallest package I've ever seen was a man all wrapped up
in himself.
_
152  Abraham Lincoln once declared, "I have been driven many times
to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to
go; my own wisdom and that of all around me seemed insufficient for the
day."
     He once prayed: "O, Thou God that heard Solomon in the night
when he prayed for wisdom, hear me. I cannot lead this people; I cannot
guide the affairs of this nation without Thy help. I am poor and weak and
sinful. Oh God, who didst hear Solomon when he cried for wisdom, hear
me and save this nation. Amen."
_
153  The moral principles and precepts contained in the Scriptures
ought to form the basis of all our civil constitutions and laws. All the
miseries and evils which men suffer from-vice, crime, ambition,
injustice, oppression, slavery, and war, proceed from their despising or
neglecting the precepts contained in the Bible.
-Noah Webster (1758-1843)
_
154  What do you have when you have an attorney up to his neck
in sand?-Too little sand.
_
155  Kierkegaard, the Danish theologian, once wrote, "This man
lived his life as if he were a typographical error refusing to be erased."
_
156  The Dead Sea is literally dead, with no marine life. It has become
stagnant since there is no outlet. A self-centered life is no life at all.
Tony Campolo tells of a woman who was seeing a psychiatrist for her
depression. One day, before her appointment with the psychiatrist, her
pastor picked her up and took her to the nursing home for visitation. As
she responded to the need for love and attention among the elderly and as
she received their sincere appreciation for her being there, she noticed a
change taking place within herself. The feeling of depression was leaving,
and a sense of well-being was developing. She later shared this with her
psychiatrist who said, "I think we've finally found the answer to your
depression." "Doctor," she said, "you don't really expect me to go visit
these people every week, do you?" A dead, stagnant life has no outlet.
_
157  Bumper sticker: Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the
kids in touch.
_
158  An Arab and a Christian were traveling together through the
desert. In their conversation, the Christian began to speak of the order,
design, and beauty of the earth-"These show forth the handiwork of God."
     "I don't believe in God," said the Arab. "Your signs are like
random markings in the sand." Some time later they approached an oasis
with several palm trees. "Look," said the Arab, pointing to the ground, "a
caravan of camels has been here."
     "How do you know?" asked the Christian.
     "Well, just look-you can see the markings in the sand."
     Startled by his own words, the Arab looked at the Christian and
said, "You may be right. Perhaps there is a God."
_
159  The Mother is the supreme asset of the national life. She is more
important, by far, than the successful statesman or businessman or artist
or scientist.
-Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)
_
160  I did not have my mother long, but she cast over me an influence
which has lasted all my life . . . her firmness, her sweetness, her
goodness, were potent powers to keep me in the right path. My mother
was the making of me. The memory of her will always be a blessing to
me.
-Thomas A. Edison (1847-1931)
_
161  The bitterness of poor quality lingers long after the sweetness of
cheap price has been forgotten.
_
162  George Muller was a man of great faith:
     "In November, 1844, I began to pray for the conversion of five
individuals. I prayed every day without a single intermission, whether sick
or in health, on the land or on the sea, and whatever the pressure of my
engagements might be. Eighteen months elapsed before the first of the
five was converted. I thanked God and prayed on for the others. Five
years elapsed, and then the second was converted. I thanked God for the
second, and prayed on for the other three . . . . Day by day I continued to
pray for them, and six years passed by before the third was converted. I
thanked God for the three, and went on praying for the other two . . . .
They are not converted yet, but they will be."
     In 1897, those two men, sons of a friend of Mr. Muller's youth,
were not yet converted, though Muller had prayed for fifty-two years. It
was only after his death that God brought them into the fold. "I will make
you fishers of men," said Jesus to his disciples.
_
163  Peter Lord describes his wife as "one heaven of a woman."
_
164  The Church stands tallest when it's on its knees.
_
165  The wife was watching a football game and, after listening to
the commentators, asked her husband, "Who is this momentum
player-and why is he on both sides?"
_
166  According to one story, Blondin, the famous tightrope walker,
asked the crowd at Niagara Falls if they believed he could cross the Falls
on a rope stretched over 150 feet above the water. "We believe," they
responded. After returning successfully, he asked if they believed he could
push a wheelbarrow across. "We believe," they said again. "O.K.," said
Blondin, "who will volunteer to get into the wheelbarrow?" All were silent.
True faith is more than mental assent-it is more than saying "I believe this
or that is true." The demons believe and tremble. True faith and belief is
to trust, to depend upon Christ for salvation and His direction for living
each day.
_
167  Discouragers are like a bad cold-you don't know how to get rid
of them-and they never go away soon enough.
_
168  Two classmates are talking about their upcoming, ten-year
class reunion:
     "Are you going to the class reunion?" asks one.
     "You must be kidding!" exclaims the other. "I'm not going
to hold my stomach in for five hours!"
_
169       A RARE BREED

     The Arabian horse is a beautiful and spectacular creature. Legend
says that the prophet Mohammed wanted to breed the finest horses on the
planet earth, so he searched throughout the world for one hundred
outstanding mares.
     When these were found, he led them to the top of a mountain and
there he corralled them. Directly below them was a cool stream which they
could only see and smell. Deprived of water, the horses became wild with
thirst. At this point, he had the gate lifted and watched as the one hundred
horses dashed madly for the water.
     Just before the stampeding herd reached the edge of the water,
Mohammed placed a bugle to his lips and blew as loudly as he could. All
of the horses raced into the water except for four mares, who dug their
hoofs into the ground and stopped. With mouths foaming and necks
trembling, they froze waiting for the next command. Mohammed then
cried out, "These four mares will be the seeds of a new breed, and I will
call them Arabian!"
     Our success and greatness depend upon our being able to stop and
say, "No!" "No!" to the temptations that surround us. "No!" to those
selfish desires we all have. It is those who are weak-willed and doomed to
failure who rush here and there from one pleasure to another trying to fill
the emptiness of their lives. Only a rare breed can say, "NO."
_
170  Yogi Berra, the great Yankee catcher, had an extraordinary
way with language. Note the "profundity" of these lines:
     -Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.
     -There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't
        tell 'em.
     -Half the lies they tell me aren't true.
     -Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
     -Ninety-nine percent of this game is half mental.
_
171  "No man is an island, entire of itself," wrote John Donne. "Every
man is a piece of the continent-a part of the main; any man's death
diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never
send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for you."
_
172  The traveling show came through town and the Master of
Ceremonies offered $2,000 to anyone who could make the elephant
stand on its hind legs. An old farmer chewing on a piece of grass
came forward and took the challenge. He picked up a two-by-four
with a nail through the end and with one blow on the back end the
elephant stood up on his hind legs. Begrudgingly, the M.C. gave the
man the $2,000 and traveled on. Later, he passed through the same
town but he had changed his act. "Two thousand dollars to anyone
who can make this elephant shake his head up and down and then
back and forth-without," he added cautiously, "touching the
elephant." The same farmer came forward and took the challenge. As
he whispered into the elephant's ear, the elephant shook his head up
and down, then back and forth. "How did you do that?" asked the
M.C., handing the farmer the $2,000. "Well," said the farmer, "First
I asked him if he remembered me-he shook his head yes. Then I
asked him if he wanted me to hit him again-he shook his head no."
_
173  There is no better defense against the schemes of the Devil than
a humble heart.
-Jonathan Edwards (1703-1758)
_
174  Scientist Sir Isaac Newton said, "I can take my telescope and
look millions and millions of miles into space, but I can lay it aside and
go into my room, shut the door, get down on my knees in earnest prayer,
and see more of heaven and get closer to God than I can assisted by all
the telescopes and material agencies on earth."
_
175  The only footprints in the sands of time that really last are the
ones made after knee prints.
_
176  Mark Twain tells of going into the bank for a loan. The
president of the bank said he would process the loan if Twain could
tell which of his eyes was a glass eye. "The one on your left-it's the
one with a hint of kindness," Twain said.
_
177  It has been said that during World War II, when Hitler was putting
the German blitz on Britain, the mental wards of the hospitals were
emptied. As these patients realized they were needed to help fight the war,
they sensed a purpose for life and their mental health returned.
     Jesus gives an eternal purpose, a reason to live, and a reason to
die.
_
178  Winston Churchill used to tell the story of a man who risked his
life to save a drowning child. When he came out of the water, he delivered
the child to his mother, who thanklessly snapped out a question, "Where is
Johnny's cap?"
_
179  The proud grandfather was standing over his grandson's crib
when someone said, "Look at him-he looks just like his
grandfather." The grandmother quickly replied, "Turn that baby
over so we can see his face!"
_
180  A FATHER'S LOVE

     Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when
he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who
will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in
victory.
     Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone
should be; a son who will know Thee-and that to know himself is the
foundation stone of knowledge.
     Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under
the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here, let him learn to
stand up in the storm; here, let him learn compassion for those who fail.
     Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high;
a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one
who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach
into the future, yet never forget the past.
     And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of
humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too
seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the
simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness
of true strength. Then I, his father, will dare to whisper: "I have not lived
in vain."
-General Douglas A. MacArthur (1880-1964)
_
181  A big fish with fishing line hanging out the side of its mouth
says to his little fishy friend in a boastful tone, "He must have
weighed 200 pounds! I almost had him out of the boat when the line
snapped."
_
182  Toothless, spineless, and worthless Christianity has been
referred to in these modern days as Casual Christianity, Jacuzzi
Christianity, and Hot-tub Religion.
_
183  The perfect Shepherd:
     Since he leads, the way is sure.
     Since he cares, the way is safe.
     Since he feeds, the way is sweet.
_
184  THE IMPORTANCE OF THE CHURCH SCHOOL

     Max Jukes lived in New York. He did not believe in Christ or in
Christian training in Sunday School. He refused to take his children to
church, even when they asked to go. He had 1,026 descendants: 300 were
sent to prison for an average term of 13 years; 190 were public prostitutes;
680 were admitted unrestrained alcoholics. His family, thus far, has cost
the state in excess of $420,000. They made no contribution to society.
     Jonathan Edwards lived in the same state at the same time as
Jukes. He loved the Lord and saw that his children were in church and
Sunday School every Sunday. He had 929 descendants: of these, 430
were ministers; 86 became university professors; 13 became university
presidents; 75 authored good books; 5 were elected to the U.S. Congress
and 2 to the Senate. One was vice president of his nation. His family never
cost the state one cent but has contributed immeasurably to the life of
plenty in this land today.
_
185  Lord Shaftesbury of Great Britain said, in praise of mothers,
"Give me a generation of Christian mothers and I will undertake to
change the whole face of society in twelve months."
_
186  Two criminals are being hung by their thumbs. One says to
the other, "Why did you want to tear the tag off the mattress in the
first place?"
_
187  A few days prior to his death, Mark Twain issued this advice
on proper conduct at the heavenly gate: "Upon arrival do not speak
to St. Peter until spoken to. Do not begin any remark with, "Say."
Leave your dog outside. Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit,
you would stay out and the dog would go in."
_
188  The seasoned fundraiser came up with a gimmick to raise
money. He wired every seat in the auditorium with electricity and
invited the wealthy citizens to attend a benefit concert. At the end of
the concert he made his appeal for money. "We need some who will
stand and pledge $50,000." Immediately he flipped the switch on and
off, making three persons stand up. "Thank you," he said identifying
the three who stood. "We also need some who will pledge $100."
Again he flipped the switch, leaving it on five seconds longer. Twenty
people jumped up and were identified. Continuing, he said, "We
would also like for everyone here to at least pledge $10 for our
worthy cause." With that he decided to leave the electricity on.
Everyone stood up to pledge,  but in the process three Scotsmen were
electrocuted.
_
189  It is impossible not to trust in authorities. The individual who
disclaims all expressions of authority simply makes himself his final
authority. He implicitly trusts the proposition that there is none in whom he
may rest. To trust no one is but a way of announcing self-trust. When this
is seen, the problem is no longer whether it is good or bad to trust
authority, but rather which authority is it best to trust?
-From A Philosophy of the Christian Religion,
by Edward John Carnell
(Christian Apologist, 1919-1967)
_
190  You can't soar with the eagles if you live like a turkey.
_
191  One hostess explained her success in having famous people attend
her parties: "When they arrive I say, 'At last you're here!' When they leave
I say, 'I'm sorry you have to leave so soon.' "
-Sales Upbeat
_
192  It has been said of Frederick Wilson, the late beloved United
Methodist pastor, that if you traveled out of town to a department store
and happened upon him, he would make you feel as though he had
traveled miles and miles to the store hoping he would see you there.
_
193  You can make more friends in two months by becoming
interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get
people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie (1888-1955)
_
194  The teacher assigned her students to write a brief composition
on various religious groups. One boy reported on the Quakers.
"Quakers are very peaceful people. They never fight or answer back.
My father is a Quaker, but my mother is not."
_
195  Studies show that isolated people behave in ways that are more
destructive than the behavior of the general population. The death rate
among divorced, widowed, and single people is 2 to 10 times higher than
other groups. The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone .
. . ."(Genesis 2:18)
_
196  When Guatemalans want to show sincere appreciation, they will
grasp and shake the wrist instead of the hand. This is their way of
symbolically attempting to touch the heart of a person, since the wrist is
closer to the heart.
-Bits and Pieces
_
197  God who gave us life gave us liberty. Can the liberties of a
nation be secure, when we have removed the conviction that these
liberties are the gift of God? Indeed I tremble for my country when I
reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.
-Thomas Jefferson (1734-1826)
_
198  Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on
morality and religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot
safely be trusted on any other foundation than religious principle, nor
any government be secure which is not supported by moral habits.
-Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
_
199  In the summer of 1797, 81-year-old Benjamin Franklin stood to
address the representatives who had met to write the Constitution:
     "In the beginning of the contest with Britain, when we were
sensible of danger, we had daily prayers in this room for Divine protection.
Our prayers, Sir, were heard and they were graciously answered. All of us
who were engaged in the struggle must have observed frequent instances
of a superintending Providence in our favor . . . . Have we now forgotten
this powerful Friend? Or do we imagine we no longer need His assistance?
     "I have lived, Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more
convincing proofs I see of this truth: that God governs in the affairs of
man. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it
probable that an empire can rise without His aid? We have been assured,
Sir, in the Sacred Writings that except the Lord build the house, they labor
in vain that build it. I firmly believe this . . . .
     "I therefore beg leave to move that, henceforth, prayers imploring
the assistance of heaven and its blessing on our deliberation be held in this
assembly every morning."
_
200  Commenting on the pianist's lack of talent, the choir director
said, "She learned to play piano by mail-order, and apparently she
lost half her mail."
_
201  Indifference to evil is more insidious than evil itself; it is more
universal, more contagious, more dangerous.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel, Polish Rabbi (1907-1972)
_
202  Leroy had Jake go into the hardware store for some wood. "I
would like to buy a pallet of 4x2's," said Jake to the clerk. "You
must mean 2x4's," the clerk responded. "Well, I'm not sure. Let me
go ask Leroy." When Jake returned, he told the clerk that Leroy said
2x4's would be just fine. "How long do you want them?" asked the
clerk. "I don't know ," said Jake, "I'll go ask Leroy." When he
returned, he said to the clerk, "Leroy said he's building a house, and
he wants them a long, long time."

_
203  At one Sunday night service there came a time for confessing
sins. A woman stood up and confessed her sin. "Thank you," said
the preacher. A man got up and confessed his sin. "Thank you," said
the preacher. Finally one man got up and shared his sin, to which the
preacher responded, "I don't think I would have shared that one,
brother."

_
204  Several Girl Scouts were selling cookies together and came to
the office of a large corporation. "Send them in," said the President
to his secretary. "I want to see what kind of sales pitch they use this
time." As the girls came into his office they said, "Everyone says how
handsome you are." Within minutes the President had purchased 12
boxes of cookies. As the girls were leaving, the man turned to his
secretary and said, "They practiced just what I train my sales force to
do-be honest in their presentation."
_
205  Ruth Bell Graham says in Legacy of a Packrat that she was
encouraged by the following words found in a church bulletin:
     There was a clock pendulum waiting to be fixed. It began to
calculate how long it would be expected to tick day and night, so many
times a minute, sixty times every hour, twenty-four hours every day, and
three hundred and sixty-five times every year. It was awful! Enough to
stagger the mind. Millions of ticks! "I can never do it," said the poor
pendulum. But the clockmaster encouraged it. "Do just one tick at a time,"
he said. "That is all that will be required of you." So the pendulum went to
work, one tick at a time, and it is ticking yet.
_
206  A woman was visiting a Korean hospital where many children had
lost their parents or had been abandoned. She noticed the children crying,
but there was no sound. The nurse explained, "They cried so long and no
one came; now they cry and no one hears."
_
207    St. Augustine's prayer reads, "O God, Thou
hast made us for Thyself and our souls are restless, searching, until they
find their rest in Thee."
_
208  In ancient times, the captain of a galley ship sent word
through the slave-master to the slaves below, who were rowing the
ship at a slow pace, "I have good news and bad news. The good news
is: there'll be a little cake and tea with your lunch. The bad news is:
after lunch the Captain wants to go water skiing."
_
209  Prayer does more to change us than God.
_
210  Taking an airplane trip? You might want to know how pilots talk
when you can't hear them. Here are some examples found in Newsweek:
     Dogs: Passengers. Usage: "How many dogs do we have in back
today?"
     Empty kitchen: What male pilots call female pilots. Usage: "Looks
like another empty kitchen to me."
     Indians: Small private aircraft in congested areas, also known as
bug smashers. Usage: "Let's go in, but watch out for the Indians."
     Slam dunk: An approach in which a plane is kept above congested
traffic until it is very close to the runway and then "slam dunked" down
through the traffic at high speed, often banked. Pilots love it; passengers
hate it. Usage (pilot to controller): "Requesting slam dunk."
     Barber pole: A plane's maximum speed. Usage: "We're hanging it
right on the barber pole."
     Leather or feather: The choice between filet mignon and chicken
cordon bleu that pilots are often offered on board. Usage: "I'll have the
leather today."
_
211  What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with Lassie?- a
dog that will bite your leg off and then go get help.
_
212  Prairie fires can be very dangerous. To find safety from this raging
fire, set fire to the grass around you and then stand in the burnt area. You
are now safe since you are standing where the grass has already been
burnt. Christ has already paid the price for sin-to find safety from the
fire of judgment, stand, in faith, at the cross of Calvary.
_
213  Winston Churchill said that any 20-year-old who is not a liberal
doesn't have a heart, and any 40-year-old who is not a conservative
doesn't have a brain.
_
214  At the Talladega 500 one year, racecar driver Bill Elliot had this
message painted on his car: "Bunch of itty bitty things that make a big
difference."
_
215  Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
_
216  The "Three B's" of successful public speaking are: Be sincere,
Be brief, Be seated.
_
217  My life is but a weaving, between my God and me.
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not 'til the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
-Anonymous
_
218  How odd of God to choose the Jews.
-Ogden F. Nash (1902 - 1971)
_
219  Biblical theologian, Walter Bruggeman, gives this interesting
observation, "The metaphor of exile may be useful to American Christians
as a way of understanding the social context of the church . . . . The exile
of the contemporary American Church is that we are bombarded by
definitions of reality that are fundamentally alien to the gospel, def-
initions of reality that come from the military-industrial-scientific
empire....  In a variety of ways that are fundamentally opposed to the voice
of the gospel."
-From Hopeful Imagination, by Walter Bruggeman
_
220  The President of Mills College, a traditional women's college,
spoke to the students about the need to go co-ed, due to a decrease in
enrollment. As a statement of opposition to the proposal the students
merely turned their backs to her. "I don't ask you to agree with me," said
the President. "I do ask you to respect me." How great is the contrast
between this show of disrespect and God's blessing upon His people, "The
Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and
be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."
(Numbers 6:24 - 26)
_
221  Desmond Tutu jokes about the South African government
trying to get into the space race during the Sputnik launchings. "We
are going to send a rocket to the sun," said one official. "But it will
burn up before it gets there," responded a news reporter. "Oh well,
you don't understand-we'll be launching it at night."
_
222  It has been said, "If you do something great, people will
question your method. If you do something good, they will question
your motive."
_
223  The husband and wife were arguing when the man said,
"Honey, you're beautiful, but stupid." "Well," said his wife, "God
made me that way. He made me beautiful so you'd fall in love with
me. He made me stupid so I'd fall in love with you."
_
224  Several years ago, a stuntman duo visited Fort Gaines, Georgia.
The awesome feat they announced to the community would have one of
them jump off the Chattahoochee bridge that crossed the Chattahoochee
River to Alabama. Tickets were sold and the crowd gathered. At the right
moment the daredevil, dressed in his special cape and swimsuit, stepped
up onto the bridge and looked out over the water. The audience was
waiting with anticipation when suddenly the man jumped backwards-off
the bridge (as promised) and onto the sidewalk. Running to the car, he met
his ticket-selling buddy, and the two quickly drove off to the next gullible
little town.
_
225  My concern is not whether God is on our side. My great concern
is to be on God's side.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
_
226  When I was young, I admired most the one who was clever.
Now that I am old, I admire most the one who is kind.
_
227  One Ann Landers column relates how
Seeking Comfort in Drink Brings Grief:
We drank for happiness and became unhappy.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and made enemies.
We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
We drank for strength and felt weak.
We drank "medicinally" and acquired health problems.
We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
We drank for bravery and became afraid.
We drank for confidence and became doubtful.
We drank to make conversation easier and slurred our speech.
We drank to forget and were forever haunted.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We drank for freedom and became slaves.
We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
We drank to cope with life and invited death.
_
228  Trying to understand modern art is like trying to follow the
plot in a bowl of alphabet soup.
_
229  Only a limited number of released American prisoners could board
the last small boat headed for home. Two men who had been close
buddies during the war were split up-one could go, the other had to stay.
Those leaving were given the order to take only one important item of
luggage. Emptying his dufflebag of its prized souvenirs and personal
belongings, the man told his buddy to get in the bag. Lifting the bag on his
shoulders, he boarded the boat with his "single, most precious possession"-
his friend. It has been said that the only thing we can take to heaven is a
friend.
_
230  While taking his morning walk, the preacher sees a little boy
struggling on tip-toe trying to ring a neighbor's door bell. Patting the
boy on the shoulder, he rings the bell for the boy.
     "And now what, little fellow?"
     "Now," says the boy excitedly, "we run like heck."
_
231  Do all the good you can,
     In all the ways you can,
     To all the souls you can,
     In every place you can,
     At all the times you can,
     With all the zeal you can,
     As long as ever you can.
-John Wesley (1703-1791)
_
232  Behind every successful man stands a good wife
and a surprised mother-in-law.
_
233  One preacher related the story of a "shade-tree" mechanic who
was always tinkering on his car in the back yard. A friend came by one
day and found him working on the car. "Going on a trip?" the friend
asked. "No," came the response. "I'm just trying to get it to idle smoother."
     How often local churches have a vision only for themselves. They
think that making the church run smoother is their goal instead of
venturing out into their own communities to express the love of Christ.
_
234  A nation which does not remember what it was yesterday, does
not know what it is today, nor what it is trying to do. We are trying to do
a futile thing if we do not know where we came from or what we have
been about.
-Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)
_
235  Posterity-you will never know how much it has cost my
generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.
-John Quincy Adams (1767-1848)
_
236  Following a campaign speech, a young man rushed up to
Senator Everett Dirksen and said, "Senator, I wouldn't vote for you
if you were St. Peter!"
     Dirksen eyed the young man for a moment, then said, "Son,
if I were St. Peter, you couldn't vote for me, because you wouldn't be
in my district."
-Bits and Pieces
_
237  All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do
nothing.
-Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
_
238  The reason the school of experience is so difficult is because
you get the test first, then you get the lesson.
_
239  The concept of a secular state was virtually non-existent in 1776
as well as in 1787, when the Constitution was written, and no less so
when the Bill of Rights was adopted. To read the Constitution as the
charter for a secular state is to misread history, and to misread it
radically. The Constitution was designed to perpetuate a Christian
order.
-R.J. Rushdoony
_
240  The Declaration of Independence declares American
independence from an earthly power, but her dependence upon Almighty
God: "For the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the
protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our
lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."
_
241  "I understand you're not going to Rome this summer," said
one woman to another. "That was last year," said the other. "This
year we're not going to London."
-Bits and Pieces
_
242  Hospitality: the art of making people feel at home when you
wish they were.
_
243  Ruth Bell Graham tells a story from one of F .W. Boreham's
books:
     An old Scottish woman who lived alone and was very poor
carefully tithed what little she had and gave it to the church. When unable
to attend the service, she expected a deacon to drop by and collect her
offering. The deacon knew well she could not afford it, but knowing also
that she would be deeply offended if he did not collect it, he was careful to
stop by.
     It was late afternoon one day when he made his visit. Old Mary
was sitting near a window having tea.
     "The tithe is on the mantle," she said, greetings over. "Won't ye sit
and have a cup of tea?"
     The deacon sat, and when Mary passed him his cup, he looked
down in surprise and exclaimed, "Why Mary! It's only water ye have!"
     "Aye!" said Old Mary. "But He makes it taste like tea!"
-From Legacy of a Packrat, by Ruth Bell Graham
_
244  To teach is to learn twice.
_
245  There are only two reasons for worry. Either you're successful
or you're not. If you're successful, then you have nothing to worry
about. If you're a failure you have two things to worry about-you're
either healthy or you're sick. If you're healthy, you have nothing to
worry about. If you're sick you have two things to worry
about-you're either going to get well or you're going to die. If you're
going to get well you have nothing to worry about. If you're going to
die, you have only two things to worry about. You're either going to
heaven or you're going to hell. If you're going to heaven you have
nothing to worry about. If you're going to hell, you'll be so busy
shaking hands with old friends you won't have time to worry. So why
worry?
_
246  This generation will stand or fall by television and of this I am
certain.
-E.B. White (1899 - 1985)
_
247  The story is told of a man so lazy that the community decided
to cart him out to the graveyard and bury him. On the way a farmer
met the cart. The driver explained about the lazy man and how the
town folk were tired of him borrowing food and refusing to work.
"Well, I'll donate a bushel of corn," said the sympathetic farmer.
Suddenly the slothful man raised up and asked, "Is it shucked?"
"No," said the farmer. "Well, drive on then, just drive on."
_
248  WHAT AMERICA NEEDS

     -         A leader like Moses, who refused to be called the
son of a Pharoah's daughter, but was willing to go with God.
     -         Army generals like Joshua, who knew God and could
pray and shout things to pass rather than blow them to pieces with atomic
energy.
     -         An administrator like Joseph, who knew God and had
the answer to famine.
     -         Preachers like Peter, who would not be afraid to
look people in the eye and say, "Repent or Perish," and denounce their
personal as well as national sins.
     -         Mothers like Hannah, who would pray for a child that
she might give him to God, rather than women who are delinquent mothers of
delinquent children.
     -         Children like Samuel, who would talk to God in the
night hours.
     -         Physicians like Luke, who could care for physical
needs and introduce their patients to Jesus Christ, who is a specialist in
spiritual trouble.
     -         A God like Israel's instead of the "Dollar God," the
"Entertainment God," and the "Auto God."
     -         A Savior like Jesus who can and will save from the
uttermost to the uttermost.
_
249  In regards to those politicians who say they are personally
opposed to abortion but would never "impose their values in society," let
them consider this: "I personally would never gas a Jew, but I have no
right to reach into someone's private gas chamber and legislate
morality."
-Erwin Lutzer
_
250  All the inquisitions, witch hunts, and bloody crusades that critics
use against the church to keep it out of the political realm do not compare
to the atrocities of godless, humanistic governments untempered by a fear
of God's judgment: Chairman Mao of China is credited with the death of
30 million Chinese; Stalin with the death of 30-60 million Russians; Hitler
with the death of 15 million people, of which 6 million were Jews.
_
251  Whatever makes men good Christians makes them good citizens.
-Daniel Webster (1782-1852)
_
252  God cannot forgive excuses; He can only forgive sins.
_
253  One comedian commented on the results of the anti-smog
campaign in Los Angeles. "It's so clean that now the terrorists can
see who they're shooting at."
_
254  During the Revolutionary War Pastor Peter Miller walked 60 miles
to obtain a pardon for a man who hated him and his church and had been
convicted of treason.
     General Washington responded to his request, "I'm sorry, but I
cannot grant your request for your friend."
            "Why, that man is the worst enemy I have," replied Miller.
     "You have walked 60 miles to save the life of an enemy? That puts
the matter in a different light. I will grant him a pardon for your sake."
     Miller took the letter of pardon and walked fifteen miles to the site
of the scheduled execution. On arriving, he found the man being carried to
the scaffold. The condemned man remarked, "There's old Peter Miller coming
with gratification to see me hung."
     But as he spoke the words, Miller pushed through the crowd and handed
this condemned man the pardon that saved his life.
     While we were yet sinners and condemned to hell, Christ, our advocate,
won our pardon.
_
255  During the Battle of the Wilderness in the Civil War, General
John Sedgwick was out inspecting his troops. His officers began to
urge him to duck down because of the enemy. "Nonsense," Sedgwick
declared, showing his disrespect for the enemy. "They couldn't hit an
elephant at this dist. . . ."
_
256  "Any great men born here?" asked the tourist. "No, only
babies," said the tour guide.
_
257  Revival-the inrush of the Spirit into the body that threatens to
become a corpse.
-D.M. Panton
_
258  A reporter asked a pedestrian, "Do you know what the two
greatest problems in America are?" The man responded, "I don't
know and I don't care!" "Then you've got both of them," replied the
reporter. "Our nation suffers from ignorance and indifference."
_
259  After the Sunday service the preacher was being praised for
his sermon: "Preacher, your sermon was like the peace and mercy of
God-God's peace is beyond comprehension, and His mercy endures
forever."
_
260  In the eighteenth century, a godly mother knew that her years of
life were coming to an end. She taught her young son all that she knew
about God and the Christian life.
     When her son was seven, she died. That son soon rejected his
mother's teaching. He went off to sea and eventually became the captain
of a slave trading ship.
     His crew became so disgusted with the depravity of his actions
that one day when he fell overboard while in a drunken stupor, they
rescued him by throwing a harpoon into him and pulling him back into the
ship. Thereafter John Newton walked with a limp. Later he became a
Christian, and every limp was a reminder of God's matchless grace to a
wretched sinner. He is the composer of "Amazing Grace," as well as
hundreds of other hymns.
-From The Rebirth of America,
Arthur S. DeMoss Foundation
_
261  The preacher came upon a man who recently claimed to have
been converted. The man was carrying a liquor bottle. "Hey, you
need to pour that out," said the preacher. Thinking quickly the man
said, "I can't, I bought this with a friend," "O.K., then, pour out
your half," the preacher said. Thinking quickly again, the man
responded, "I can't, my half is on the bottom."
_
262  The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
_
263  Don't expect a million dollar answer to a 10 cent prayer.
_
264  Note the following church bulletin bloopers:
     -    The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind,
and they can be seen in the church basement Friday
afternoons.
     -    The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in
the church basement Friday at 7 P.M. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
     D    This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
     -    Don't let worry kill you off-let the church help.
     -    Potluck Supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
     -    Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
     -    Tonight's Sermon: What Is Hell? (Come early and listen to the
choir practice).
_
265  Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not
see.
-John W. Whitehead
_
266  The charge of inconsistency was made against David Hume
because, although an agnostic, he went weekly to hear the preaching of the
orthodox minister John Brown. Hume responded to the criticism, "I don't
believe all that he says, but he does. And once a week I like to hear a man
who believes what he says."
-Conservative Digest
_
267  A man walks into the drugstore with both ears charred black.
"What happened?" asks the druggist.
     "It's a long story. My wife was ironing my shirt when the
phone rang. I went to answer it and picked up the iron by mistake,
burning my ear."
     "How did you burn the other ear?".
     "Well," said the man, "the nut called again!"
_
268  Rev. John Ed Matheson made this statement in one of his
sermons: "I'm a nobody who's telling everybody about somebody who can
save anybody."
_
269  God, bless all young mothers at end of day.
Kneeling wearily with each small one to hear them pray.
Too tired to rise when done . . . and yet they do;
Longing just to sleep one whole night through.
Too tired to sleep . . . too tired to pray . . .
God, bless all young mothers at close of day.
-From Legacy of a Packrat, by Ruth Bell Graham
_
270  A little child can break an egg, but all the technology in the
world cannot restore it. Only God can restore the broken image of God
found in humanity.
_
271  Baseball manager Tommy LaSorda, of the Los Angeles Dodgers
says, "I've found that it's not good to talk about your troubles. Eighty
percent of the people who hear them don't care, and the other twenty
percent are glad you're having trouble."
-Bits and Pieces
_
272  The great thing about computers is that there are just as
many mistakes as ever, but now they are nobody's fault.
_
273  The greatest thing anyone can do for God and man is pray. It is
not the only thing, but it is the chief thing. The great people of earth are
the people who pray. I do not mean those who talk about prayer; nor
those who say they believe in prayer; nor yet those who can explain
about prayer; but I mean those people who take time to pray.
-S.D. Gordon
_
274  To figure the cost of living, just take your income and add 10
percent.
_
275          A PRAYER FOR OUR LEADERS

     Heavenly Father, I thank you for our country, our Constitution,
and our leaders. I pray for our President and for every elected and
appointed official who serves with him.
     I pray that You will build a spiritual wall of protection around the
marriage and family of every national, state, and local official.
     I pray that You will give them the wisdom and the courage to
uphold our Constitution, which established a republic based on Your
absolute laws, not a democracy based on the changing whims of man's
reasoning.
     I pray that You will rebuke Satan for the deception of his lie that
we can be "as gods" in deciding for ourselves what is right and what is
wrong.
     O Lord, may our leaders cast down every law, policy, and
personal example which weakens marriages, families, or Your moral
standards.
     I pray that our leaders will understand and follow the principles of
Your word. May they realize that all authority comes from You, not the
voters, and that one day they will stand before You to give an account of
the power You gave to them.
     I base this prayer on the promise of Your Word, that if I will
humble myself, pray, seek Your face, and turn from my wicked ways,
then You will hear from heaven, forgive my sin, and heal my land.
     In the name and through the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, I
pray. Amen.
-From The Rebirth of America,
Arthur S. DeMoss Foundation
_
276  A man felt guilty for not paying his income tax and could not
sleep. He got up and wrote an anonymous letter to the I.R.S. "The
guilt I feel for not paying my taxes makes it impossible for me to
sleep. I am enclosing a check for $250.  P.S. If I still can't sleep, I'll
send the rest of the money later."
_
277  When he was seven years old, his family was forced out of their
home on a legal technicality, and he had to work to help support them. At
age nine, his mother died. At 22, he lost his job as a store clerk. He
wanted to go to law school, but his education wasn't good enough. At 23,
he went into debt to become a partner in a small store. At 26 his business
partner died, leaving him a huge debt that took years to repay. At 28, after
courting a girl for four years, he asked her to marry him. She said no. At
37, on his third try, he was elected to Congress, but two years later, he
failed to be re-elected. At 41, he failed as the Vice-presidential candidate.
At 49, he ran for the Senate again, and lost. At 51, he was elected
President of the United States. His name was Abraham Lincoln, a man
many consider the greatest leader the country ever had.
_
278  Keep praying and be thankful that God's answers are wiser
than your prayers.
_
279  One psychologist has observed from his practice that "we are as
sick as our secrets." It is the truth that sets us free.
_
280  A sign in front of a business reads, "We shoot every third
salesman, and the second one just left."
_
281  In To My People With Love, John Killinger writes: In her beautiful
novel about Maine, The Country of the Pointed Firs, Sara Orne Jewett
describes the ascent of a woman writer on the pathway leading to the
home of a retired sea captain named Elijah Tilley. "On the way, the
woman notes a number of wooden stakes randomly scattered about the
property, with no discernible order. Each is painted white and trimmed in
yellow like the captain's house. Curious, she asks Captain Tilley what they
mean. When he first plowed the ground, he says, his plow snagged on
many large rocks just beneath the surface. So he set out the stakes where
the rocks lay in order to avoid them in the future."
     This is what God has done with the Ten Commandments-"These
are trouble spots. Avoid them."
_
282  If you want to forget all your troubles, wear tight shoes.
_
283  Last year my wife got mad because I tried to explain football
in a way she could relate to.  She said, "I still can't understand why
22 grown people would fight over a little ball."
     I said, "Imagine it's on sale."
_
284  While sitting at his desk a lawyer heard a tap on his door. It
was the Devil who welcomed himself in and had a seat. "I will make
you a deal," said the Devil. "You will become the most successful
lawyer in the whole world. But I'll have to take your wife and
children and all your friends with me to hell." With a skeptical look
the lawyer responded, "What's the catch?"
_
285  Give me 100 preachers who fear nothing but sin and desire
nothing but God, and I care not whether clergy or lay, such a group will
shake the world."
-John Wesley (1703-1791)
(At a church meeting one pastor misquoted:" . . . who desire nothing but
sin . . .")
_
286  Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.
_
287  "I'm 19 and still a virgin," stated Zac Chawinga, as he stood,
unflinching, midst the roaring laughter and jeering shouts of the near
thousand students crowded in the school gym. Turning to search for eyes
of individuals in the sea of mocking faces, he continued, "I don't have a
sexually transmitted disease, I don't have AIDS, I don't have a pregnant
girlfriend, but I do have my dreams, dreams of the future. I want to be
somebody, I want to do something. I don't want to be stuck in some
podunk town flipping burgers and taking care of a wife and baby, but if I
don't think past Friday night I won't realize those dreams." The room was
silent as a thousand faces strained forward to hear the truth.
     -Every 31 seconds a teenager becomes pregnant.
     -Over 400,000 teen pregnancies will result in
     abortion.
     -The failure rate of the pill in preventing
     pregnancy is  as high as 44%.
     -At least 33,000 people will contract a sexually
     transmitted disease today.
     -An estimated 70% of pornography falls into the hands of teens.

     "It's real, it's happening to my friends and yours, to you and to
me. We've been sold a bill of goods called 'safe sex.' I'm here to tell you
there is no safe sex outside a monogamous marriage. Abstinence is the
only answer. It was the youth of the 60's who began the sexual revolution,
and it must be the youth of today who turn it around."
-Zac Chawinga,
1989 President of Clean Teens USA
_
288  Many centuries ago, a high caliph in Baghdad gave a banquet in
honor of the birth of his son. All the nobility who partook of the feast
brought costly gifts, except a young sage named Mehelled Abi, who came
empty-handed. He explained to the caliph: "Today the young prince will
receive many precious gifts, jewels, and rare coins. My gift is different.
From the time he is old enough to listen until manhood, I will come to the
palace and tell him stories of our Arabian heroes. When he becomes our
ruler, he will be just and honest."
     The young sage kept his word. When the prince was at last made
caliph, he became famous for his wisdom and honor. To this day, an
inscription on a scroll in Budapest reads, "It was because of the seed sown
by the tales."
_
289  A burglar got pinned up in a corner by a Doberman Pinscher.
As the dog growled, the parrot kept saying, "Hello-hello-hello . . ."
With disgust the burglar said, "Stupid bird, can't you say something
else?" The parrot responded, "Sic 'em boy, sic 'em!"
_
290  W. E. Sangster, that great and noble preacher, found that he had a
disease that caused progressive muscular dystrophy. It worsened to the
point where he could not swallow. On the Easter before his death, he
scribbled a message to his daughter, "It is terrible to wake up Easter
morning and have no voice with which to shout, 'He is risen!' but it would
be still more terrible to have a voice and not want to shout!"
_
291  Watchman Nee, a Chinaman who was tortured for his faith in
Christ, once made a comment that speaks of the unity of the Church, the
body of Christ: "When my feet were whipped, my hands suffered pain."
_
292  A group of students are kneeling down in the back of a
school classroom when the teacher walks in.  "Students! Students!
What are you doing?" She says with alarm. "Oh, teacher, we were
shooting craps." "Whew! I was afraid that you were praying," replies
the teacher.
_
293  As Vice-president, George Bush once quipped, "I served in
Congress for four years. Don't hold it against me."
-Conservative Digest
_
294  The early church father, Chrysotom, once said that it would not
do for Christians to appeal to those who lived earlier lives when giving a
testimony because the world sees us and not them.
_
295  One comedian defined Agony as sitting in a traffic jam and
suddenly realizing that you had two cups of coffee and three bran
muffins for breakfast.
_
296  In The Christian Vision John Powell writes: Carl Rogers suggests
that our experience of the human condition often involves the feelings of a
person who has fallen into a deep, dry well. The desperate man is trapped
in the well, hoping against hope that someone will hear him and realize his
situation. Finally, after a long time of much banging against the side of the
well, he hears a responding knock from the outside. Someone has heard
him! There is an explosion of joyful relief in the poor man. "Thank God!
Someone finally knows where I am." Rogers says when someone really
listens to us and registers understanding, we feel the same grateful
explosion of relief: "Thank God! Someone finally knows what it's like to
be me!"
_
297  The seminar was divided into seven groups of eight persons.
At a break in the seminar, the leader of one of the groups went to the
director of the seminar to apologize for members of her group
periodically getting up and going to the restroom. "I'm really sorry,
but three of the women at my table have kidney problems,"
explained the leader. The director's response was "relieving" -"Don't
worry, we'll just go with the flow."
_
298  What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?-a
good start.
_
299  W. E. Sangster, the great British Methodist, tells of an unusual
species of crab which periodically sheds its shell. "At one time the shell is
its home, its refuge, its all-but if it does not shed its shell at the time
it should, that same shell becomes its prison and finally, its tomb."
_
300  If you always speak the truth, you'll never have to remember
what you said.
_
301  A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of
one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of
hands will take and sift it, keeping what is worth keeping and with the
breath of kindness blow the rest away.
_
302  The stockbroker went to his doctor complaining about his
ears burning and his eyes popping out. The doctor had his tonsils
removed, but that didn't help. So he went to another doctor, who
suggested removing his teeth. But that didn't help either. A third
doctor was a specialist and gravely reported after his examination,
"You have a rare disease and have about two months to live."
     With no one to leave his money to, the stockbroker decided
to cash in his stocks and bonds and spend all his money on an
around-the-world excursion. He ordered 10 handmade suits from the
best tailor he could find and 20 shirts from a shirt-maker.
     "Let's get your measurements," said the shirt-maker. While
measuring, the shirt-maker called out, "34 sleeve, 36 waist, 16
collar."
     The stockbroker interrupted, "No, that's a 15 collar." The
shirt-maker measured again.
     "No, it's 16. If you wear a 15, your ears will burn and your
eyes will pop out."
_
303  A Jewish proverb says, "Whoso craveth wealth is like a man who
drinks sea water. The more he drinks the more he increases his thirst,
and he ceases not to drink until he perishes."
_
304  In the magazine Alive Now! was this description of God by Louis
Eberly:
     "Love must express and communicate itself. That's its nature. When
people love one another, they start telling everything that's happened to
them, every detail of their daily life. They 'reveal' themselves to each
other, unbosom themselves, and exchange confidences. God hasn't ceased
being revelation any more than He's ceased being Love. He enjoys
expressing Himself. Since He's Love, He must give Himself, share His
secrets, communicate with us, and reveal Himself to anyone who wants to
listen."
_
305  Some sermons it is said,
     Are like the horns upon a longhorn's head.        Though
their points are sharp and keen,
     A lot of bull lies in between.
_
306  If you try to define the Trinity, you will lose your mind. Deny it,
and you lose your soul.
_
307  In the early 1960's, General Motors launched their new
"compact" Chevrolet Nova into the Mexican market. Disturbed by
the very low sales figures, corporate executives began to ask, "Why?"
Only then did someone remember that "No va" in Spanish means
"no go."
-From David Frost's Book of the World's Worst Decisions, by David
Frost
_
308  The harried business executive had this creative sign on his
door-"I'm in, but I'm not coming to the door."
_
309  There's always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay
your bills, you can be thankful you're not one of your creditors.
_
310  Pioneer missionary Hudson Taylor said, "Unless there is an
element of risk in our exploits for God, there is no need for faith."
_
311  At a Bible Seminar, Peter Lord walked onto the platform with a
cigarette in his mouth and wearing an ear ring. The crowd was stunned,
until Lord shared his story: At a restaurant he noticed a young man playing
pinball, wearing an ear ring and smoking a cigarette. He wanted to shake
the boy and tell him about Jesus. Later, attending his child's Christian Club
which met at the High School, he heard the speaker announce the winner
of the vote for the person who most exemplified Christ. He was shocked
to see the same young man he had made a quick judgment on at the
restaurant.
_
312  In the Middle Ages, a very poor, but great scholar named Muretus
became seriously ill while traveling through a certain Italian city. The
doctors discussed his case in Latin not knowing Muretus understood them.
"This man," they said, "is obviously of no use to anyone, so his fate really
doesn't matter." Muretus responded, "Call no man worthless for whom
Christ died."
_
313  The joke is told of the man who went to war and returned
home to find his favorite soap opera had advanced only one week.
_
314  One researcher has figured that three-fifths of all the people
who have ever been born are alive today.
_
315  The carpenter smashed his thumb with a hammer and was
sent by the foreman to the local clinic. At the clinic the man noticed
there was no receptionist, only two doors, one labeled illness and the
other injury. He decided to walk through the door marked injury. It
opened to a room with two doors, one marked external and the other
internal. He walked through the external door and found two others
labeled surgery and therapy. He walked through the therapy door
and saw two others marked major and minor. After walking through
the minor door, he found himself back in the parking lot. When the
carpenter returned to work, the foreman asked, "Did they help
you?" "I don't think so," replied the carpenter, "but they sure are
the most organized place I've ever seen."
_
316  Mark Twain sat listening to a missionary tell of the
tremendous need for financial support. He made a mental
commitment to put five dollars in the offering plate. As the man
talked, Twain was moved so much that the five became ten dollars.
As the man talked on for thirty minutes, Twain decided that ten was
too much and again thought about five dollars. After another thirty
minutes the five became a one. When the plate was finally passed
around after one and a half hours, Twain took out five dollars.
_
317  An ounce of mother is worth a pound of preacher.
_
318  In Leo Buscaglia's book, Living, Loving and Learning, there is a
moving piece entitled, "Things you Didn't Do":
     Remember the day I borrowed your brand new car and I dented it? I
thought you'd kill me, but you didn't.
     And remember the time I dragged you to the beach, and you said it
would rain, and it did? I thought you'd say, "I told you so." But you didn't.
     Do you remember the time I flirted with all the guys to make you
jealous, and you were? I thought you'd leave me, but you didn't.
     Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie all over your car
rug? I thought you'd hit me, but you didn't.
     And remember the time I forgot to tell you the dance was formal and
you showed up in jeans? I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't.
     Yes, there were lots of things you didn't do.
But you put up with me, and you loved me, and you protected me. There
were lots of things I wanted to make up to you when you returned from
Viet Nam.
But you didn't.
_
319  I was sad for I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no feet.
-Chinese Proverb
_
320  Contrary to the heresy of those preaching peace and prosperity,
you can't judge your relationship with God by the carpet you walk on.
_
321  A cartoon has a man kicking the Bible out of the classroom, then
kicking it out of the courtroom. He is then shown standing in a drought-
stricken field asking, "God, where are you?"
_
322  In England, the American Revolution was once called the
Presbyterian Rebellion. The reason: all but one colonel of the early war
were Presbyterian Elders.
_
323  Columnist Cal Thomas quotes Gary Bauer, President of the
Family Research Council in Washington as saying, "Something must be
done about the sex merchants in this country, including Republican
businessmen who use sex to sell everything from toiletries to cards to
beer."
_
324  Science may be able to add years to one's life, but only Christ
can add life to one's years.
_
325  During a church service, a deacon stood up during
announcements and made a motion that a Pulpit Committee be
called in order to replace the preacher. Immediately he had a heart
attack and died. As the ushers were carrying him out, the pastor
asked, "Do I hear a second to that motion?"
_
326  During his forty-five year ministry in America (1771-1816),
Francis Asbury traveled 270,000 miles on horseback, preached 16,500
sermons, presided over 240 annual conferences, and ordained 4,000
preachers. His ministry brought Methodism from being the smallest to
becoming the largest American denomination.
_
327  The school teacher struggled for several minutes to put a pair
of galoshes on little Johnny's shoes. Finally, one popped into place.
As she reached for the other, Johnny said, "You know, these aren't
mine." Disturbed, she quickly pulled the galosh, snapping it off.
Johnny then said to the harried teacher, "They're my sister's, but
Mommy lets me wear them."
_
328  The point of greatest victory . . . in the Christian life is not
the point where we can say: "I have learned how to pray and receive all I
desire from God."
. . . .Victory for the Christian is the commitment: "Jesus can ask and
have all He desires of me."
     -From Gathered Fragments
_
329  Dr. Henry Sloan Coffin was at one time the president of a
seminary. At the beginning of the school year, a new student mistook Dr.
Coffin for a porter and asked him to take his bags to his room, which Dr.
Coffin did, refusing the student's 25 cent tip. During the welcoming chapel
service, the student noticed the "porter" in a robe, and he turned to a
fellow student and asked, "Who's he?" Learning of his embarrassing
mistake, the student later approached Dr. Coffin to offer an apology.
Dr.Coffin replied, "The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to
serve and give his life a ransom for many."
_
330  Here are a few definitions for aspiring doctors and nurses:
     Barium-what you do with a choking victim after CPR fails
     Dilate-to live a long, long time
     Euthanasia-Boy Scouts in China
     Node-past tense of the verb "to know"
     Tumor-an extra pair
_
331  In the absence of a deep and abiding faith in one Almighty Father,
whose love is perfect, how inconstant will be the faith of a couple in one
another! In this age of religious syncretism, surely it is the rareness of
the former commitment that has spelled disaster for the latter. And by the
same token, if we cannot be faithful to a living person, whom we can see
and touch, how will we ever be faithful to an invisible God?
-From The Mystery of Marriage, by Mike Mason
_
332  A man who owned a saw mill was notorious for cutting the
lumber short. Boards that were sold as 4-foot boards measured only
3 1/2 feet. Word circulated that he had been converted to Christ
during a revival. No one believed the rumor until they measured their
lumber and concluded, "Hey, he really has  been changed."
_
333  Note the following actual statements from insurance claim
forms:
     -The man was weaving back and forth so much, that I had to
turn my car back and forth several times before I hit him.
     -After driving for forty years, I fell asleep at the wheel.
_
334  There little deficit don't you cry, you'll be a bond issue by
and by .
_
335  The following prayer is said to have been found on the body of a
Confederate soldier, killed during the Civil War:
          I asked for strength that I might achieve,
          I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
          I asked for help that I might do greater things,
          I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
          I asked for riches that I might be happy,
          I was given poverty that I might be wise.
          I asked for power that I might have the praise of men,
          I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
          I asked for all things that I might enjoy life,
          I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
          I got nothing that I asked for, but everything that I had
     hoped for.
          Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
     I am, among all men, most richly blessed!
_
336  The great missionary to the the Auca Indians, Jim Elliott once
reflected,"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he
cannot lose."
_
337  Following the volcanic eruption of Mt. St. Helens along with
the ash that blew across the state, one resident commented, "If you
can't come to Washington State, let Washington State come to you."
_
338  The phrase "Indian Giver," is commonly misunderstood. In the
earliest days when an Indian gave you a gift, it was understood that you
could not keep it but were to pass it on to someone else. God blesses us
for one reason-to be a blessing to others.
_
339  Thinking himself clever, the farmer placed a sign in his
watermelon patch: "One watermelon in this patch has been
poisoned." The next morning the sign had been changed to: "Two
watermelons in this patch have been poisoned."
_
340  In 1869, these prophetic words were written by a French chemist
named Pierce Bethelot: "In one hundred years of physical and chemical
science, man will know what the atom is. It is our belief that when
science reaches this state, God will come down to earth with His big
ring of keys and say to humanity, "Gentlemen, it is closing time."
_
341  Seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you
may understand.
-St. Augustine (354-430)
_
342  Phillip Keller, writing about sheep from his personal experience,
refers to Psalm 42:11 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul?":
     Only those intimately acquainted with sheep and their habits
understand the significance of a cast sheep or a 'cast down' sheep. This is
an old English shepherd's term for a sheep that has turned over on its back
and cannot get up again by itself.
     A cast sheep is a very pathetic sight. Lying on its back, its feet in
the air, it flays away frantically, struggling to stand up, without success.
Sometimes it will bleat a little for help, but generally it lies there lash-
ing about in frightened frustration.
     If the owner does not arrive on the scene within a reasonably
short time, the sheep will die. This is but another reason why it is so
essential for a careful sheepman to look over his flock every day, counting
them to see that all are able to be up and on their feet. If one or two are
missing, often the first thought to flash into his mind is, "One of my sheep
is cast somewhere. I must go in search and set it on its feet again."
     The Good Shepherd has come to turn our lives right side up.
"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted with
me? Hope thou in God. . . ."
_
343  A Ziggy cartoon has Grandma and Grandpa looking out the
window at Ziggy's family driving up the road for a Christmas visit.
Grandma says to Grandpa, " . . . We move over the river, and
through the woods, and still they find us!"
_
344  Ray Stedman refers to Thucydides, who wrote his observation of
the major problems during the time of Christ:
     -Fear that superpowers would draw the world
     into conflict
     -Divorce and the breakdown of the family
     -Children not showing respect for elders and
     the wisdom of the previous generation
     -Political corruption
     -Potholes in the streets
_
345  The four-year-old daughter quietly placed her head on her
mother's chest. "What are you doing?" her mother asked. "I'm
listening for Jesus in you." "Well, what do you hear!" "It sounds like
He's making coffee to me."
_
346  The Biblical scholar, Matthew Henry, was once mugged and
robbed of his wallet by a group of thieves. After thinking about this
traumatic event, he wrote in his diary: "Let me be thankful first, because I
was never robbed before. Second because, although they took my purse
(wallet), they did not take my life. Third because, although they took my
all, it was not much, and fourth because it was I who was robbed, not I
who robbed."
_
347  Almost every Ivy League school was established primarily to train
ministers of the gospel and to evangelize the Atlantic seaboard. In 1646,
Harvard adopted its "Rules and Precepts" which included the following:
     -Every one shall consider the main end of his life and studies to
know God and Jesus Christ, which is eternal life.
     -Seeing the Lord giveth wisdom, every one shall seriously by
prayer in secret seek wisdom of Him.
     -Every one shall so exercise himself in reading Scriptures twice a
day that they be ready to give an account of their proficiency therein, both
in theoretical observations of languages and logic, and in practical and
spiritual truths . . .
_
348  One blistering hot day when guests were present for dinner, a
tired mother asked her four-year-old daughter to say the blessing.  "I
don't know what to say," said the girl. "Just pray what you've heard
me pray," said the mother. Obediently, the girl bowed her head and
said, "Oh Lord, why did I invite these people here on a hot day like
this?"
_
349  Any woman who wants equality with man lacks ambition.
-Ashley Montagu, English Anthropologist
_
350  A gorilla walked into an ice cream shop, laid a ten dollar bill
on the counter, and ordered a chocolate sundae. The manager was
shocked to have a gorilla in the shop, but complied with his request
anyway. After making the sundae, he picked up the ten dollar bill
and thought to himself as he made the change, "What can a gorilla
possibly know about money?" So he pulled out a one dollar bill and
placed it on the counter. "You know," the manager said, making
conversation, "we don't get many gorillas in here." Looking at the
dollar, the gorilla said, "I can see why, at nine dollars a sundae."
_
351  Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace.
     Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
     Where there is injury, pardon;
     Where there is doubt, faith;
     Where there is despair, hope;
     Where there is darkness, light;
     Where there is sadness, joy.
     O divine Master, grant that I may not so much
     Seek to be consoled, as to console;
     To be understood, as to understand;
     To be loved, as to love.
     For it is in giving, that we receive;
     It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned;
     It is in dying, that we are born to eternal life.
                              Amen.
-St. Francis of Assisi (1182-1226)
_
352  Have you heard the one about the agnostic, dyslexic,
insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there is a Dog.
_
353  When baseball great Yogi Berra was asked whether a certain
restaurant in New York was still popular, he answered inimitably:
"Naw, nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."
-Conservative Digest
_
354  A sign on a copier machine read:
     THE COPIER IS OUT OF ORDER!
     YES-We have called the service man.
     YES-He will be in today.
     NO-We cannot fix it.
     NO-We do not know how long it will take.
     NO-We do not know what caused it.
     NO-We do not know who broke it.
     YES-We are keeping it.
     NO-We do not know what you are going to do now.
          Thank you.
_
355  A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of
the next generation.
_
356  I may stumble and fall on the deck of the ship many times, but
God keeps me from falling off the ship.
-Charles H. Spurgeon (1834-1892)
_
357  Two dogs are talking during a break at a dog obedience
school.  One says, "The thing that I really hate is having to learn all
this stuff I'll never use in the real world."
_
358  In White's classic, Idylls of the King, the most tragic story of
Guinevere is portrayed. When she realized that she had brought Camelot
down, instead of blaming someone else, she took the blame on herself.
And she chose to live in a dungeon existing on bread and water for the rest
of her life.
     One day, before going to battle, her husband Arthur decided to
visit her in the dungeon. In the midst of her tragic tears, Arthur made this
most profound statement: "The sin is sinned; I forgave you long ago . . . ."
And then he left her to her sorrows.
-Referred to in a speech by R. Douglas Wead,
former Special Assistant to the President
_
359  "Grandpa, were you in the ark with Noah?"
     "Certainly not, my son."
     "Then why weren't you drowned?"
_
360  The religion which has introduced civil liberty is the religion of
Christ and His apostles . . . to this we owe our free constitutions of
government.
-Noah Webster (1758-1843)
_
361  One day two boys began arguing about their dad's greatness:
     "My dad is smarter than your dad," said Billy.
     "No he isn't," Johnny responded. "My dad never passed the
third grade, and still he's just as smart as if he was in the fourth."
     Not impressed, Billy continued, "My dad went to Penn
State."
     "Well," said Johnny smugly, "my dad went to the State
Pen."
     Finally Billy said, "Ever hear of the Rocky Mountains? My
dad built them."
     To which Johnny replied, "Ever hear of the Dead Sea? My
dad killed it!"
_
362  At a Bible conference, Dwight L. Moody asked hymnwriter Fanny
Crosby to give a testimony of her Christian faith. She responded by
quoting a poem that she never published calling it "My Soul's Poem."
"Someday the silver cord will break, and I no more as now shall sing; but
O the joy when I shall wake within the palace of the King! And I shall see
Him face to face, and tell the story-saved by grace!"
_
363  A Methodist preacher ribbed the Baptist preacher about
being a narrow-minded group, thinking that only Baptists will go to
heaven. "We're even more narrow-minded than that," said the
Baptist preacher. "We don't even think all of ours will make it!"
_
364  O God, you have given me so much. Give me one thing more-a
thankful heart.
_
365  The story is told of the female sergeant who was misassigned to
combat in Viet Nam, instead of her expected desk job. Many of the
soldiers in her command had been to 'Nam twice. As a joke on her, these
soldiers threw a dummy grenade into a crowd and yelled, "Grenade!"
Their feelings for her changed immediately when they discovered that she
had jumped on the grenade to save them.
_
366  The first thing a child learns when he gets a drum, is that he's
never going to get another one.
_
367  The foundations of our society and our government rest so much
on the teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if
faith in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our
country.
-Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)
_
368  You know you're getting old when you think "out for the
evening" refers to your 4th and 5th vertebrae.
_
369  One imaginative eight-year-old girl made this poetic observation:
     I can tell you all about the stars,
     I think they're the lights on the angel's cars.
     There aren't any traffic lights up there,
     The angels seem to drive anywhere.
     Look, a star shot, and down it went.
     I think an angel was having an accident.
-Annie P. Espy
_
370  Two friends died and went to heaven. One was remarking on
how magnificent heaven looked. "This is fantastic-it's twenty times
better than I could have imagined on earth." "Yeah," said his friend,
"Just think, we could have been here ten years earlier if we hadn't
eaten all those bran muffins."
_
371  In his book, World of Ideas, Bill Moyers writes of an interview
with an ethicist who said, "People need to do the moral thing because it's
the right thing to do." Moyers then asked the ultimate question, "Who
says?"
_
372  A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Methodist, needing a place to sleep,
came upon a farmer's house. "I only have two beds," said the farmer,
"but one of you can sleep in the barn with the cow and the pig." The
Hindu graciously volunteered for the barn. Around midnight there
was a tap on the farmer's door. It was the Hindu who realized that he
shouldn't be sleeping with a sacred cow. "I'll sleep in the barn," said
the Rabbi, and out he went. An hour later there was another tap on
the door. It was the Rabbi complaining about having to sleep with
the unclean pigs. "I'll sleep in the barn," said the Methodist, and out
he went. Thirty minutes there was another tap at the door. It was the
cow and the pig.
_
373  John Wesley once said that an earthquake in Spain uncovered
more atheists than all the inquisitions of the Pope.
_
374  A mother was sitting with her three-year-old daughter
watching the news of a recent tornado. After quietly observing the
wreckage and destruction on the screen, the little girl looked at her
mother and asked, "A tomato did all that?"
_
375  One farmer was a Christian, the other was an atheist. One year the
atheist's crop received plenty of rain, yielding a bumper crop, while the
Christian's received little rain, bringing financial loss. "Where is your
God?" the atheist asked the Christian. "I've lived like the devil and have a
bumper crop, but you have no rain and no crop." "My friend," said the
Christian, "God doesn't settle His accounts in October."
_
376  The Sunday School teacher was telling her three- and four-
year-olds about Jesus being with them to help them, even though
He's invisible. "I know," said one little girl. "He opens the door at
the grocery store."
_
377  The only trouble with a "living sacrifice" is that it tends to
crawl off the altar.
_
378  The story goes that Bishop Manning was riding on a subway one
day when a noisy passenger, who appeared tired and disgruntled, insulted
several passengers who got in his way. When the man started to leave the
subway, Bishop Manning said to him, "My friend, you left something
here." The troublesome passenger turned, looked at his seat, then
demanded in a rude tone, "What did I leave?" Bishop Manning looked at
him in the eye and said, "A very bad impression!" The man frowned, then
broke into a sheepish grin, and said, "I'm sorry."
_
379  Ashley Montagu shared the story of the trustees' meeting at a
small university. One of the wealthy trustees wanted to confer a
degree on the old horse that had been put out to pasture. The horse
was once used to pull the homecoming float. The other trustees
objected until the millionaire said he would give $100,000 in honor of
the horse.
     At commencement, the president recognized the horse and he
was brought forward to receive the Doctorate of Humane Letters.
After bestowing the hood upon the horse, the president approached
the microphone and said, "I have conferred many a degree during
my tenure here, but this is the first time I have conferred a degree
upon an entire horse."
_
380  In one of his presidential debates, Lincoln turned to his opponent
and asked, "How many legs on a cow?" "Four," was the response. "Well,"
said Lincoln, "if we call the tail a leg, then how many legs on a cow?"
"Five," was the response. "That is wrong," said Lincoln. "Just calling a tail
a leg doesn't make it a leg."
_
381  The Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah
taking forty days to find a place to park.
-Peter's Quotations
_
382  It has been said that the earliest African converts had individual
places in the thicket for personal devotions. When the well-trodden path to
one's particular spot became overgrown with grass, it became obvious that
prayer time was being overlooked and that a kindly reminder was in
order-"Brother, the grass grows on your path, yonder."
_
383  Like a mighty tortoise, moves the Church of God. Brothers, we
are treading where we've always trod.
_
384  The British preacher visited America and heard a Mother's
Day sermon. He was shocked to hear the preacher say, "I spent most
of my life in the arms of another man's wife." But he was relieved
when the preacher said, "She was my mother." Thinking this to be an
effective introduction to one of his sermons, he used it the next
Sunday in his church. "I spent most of my life," he began, "in the
arms of another man's wife." The congregation gasped while the
preacher forgot the punch line. Thinking for a moment the preacher
finally said, "And for the life of me I can't remember who she was."
_
385  God, I pray Thee, light these idle sticks of my life, that I may
burn for Thee. Consume my life, my God, for it is thine. I seek not a long
life, but a full one.
-Jim Elliott,
Martyred missionary to the Auca Indians
_
386  A cartoon shows two monsters under a bed. One says to the
other, "Henry, there's that strange feeling again . . . I think
something's on top of the bed!"
_
387  It seems that some marriage partners meant to say, "Until
debt us do part."
_
388  A little boy walks into the pet shop and places his bag of coins on
the counter. "I want to buy that little dog," he says, pointing. "Oh no,"
says the store owner, "Not that one. It has a broken leg that won't heal
properly."
     "I've saved my money for weeks for that very dog," the boy says
insistently. As the store owner goes for the dog, he says, "You can have
the dog, but I want you to understand that he will never walk without a
limp." Hearing that, the little boy reaches down and pulls up his pants leg
revealing a leg brace. "Mister," he says, "You don't know what love can
do."
_
389  Joe and Bill went out fishing on a frozen lake. Each cut out a
hole nice and round and began to fish. After thirty minutes of
fishing, Joe had caught all the fish. "How come," asked Bill, "you've
been catching all the fish?" Joe replied with only a low mumble.
After another thirty minutes, Joe was still catching all the fish. "How
come," Bill asked again, "you've been catching all the fish? I'm
doing everything you're doing." Again, Joe replied with only a low
mumble. "I can't hear you," said Bill. "You're mumbling." Joe then
responded, with a spit to empty his mouth, "P-tui! You've got to
keep your worms warm!"
_
390  A man came upon his friend playing chess with a dog.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "That dog is smart." Studying the game, his
friend responded, "Aw, he ain't so smart. I just beat him three out of
four games!"
_
391  There are blind spots in the Christian revelation-many of them.
Therefore, whoever wants to find fault with Scripture will assuredly meet
with no difficulty in his labor. But is this the course prudence dictates?
Is not a rational man satisfied with that system which is attended by the
fewest difficulties? Christianity at least explains man's predicament from
the center of his heart, and that is accomplishing a great deal. Fairness at
least requires that any substitute accomplish as much. But to whom shall
we turn?
-From A Philosophy of the Christian Religion,
 by Edward John Carnell
(Christian Apologist, 1919-1967)
_
392  When modes of music change, the fundamental laws of the state
change with them.
-Plato (427-347 B.C.)
_
393  The New Age gurus twist the truth. They put the good news first.
They say you are divine and unlimited. The bad news is that you haven't
quite attained your fullest potential. Christianity begins with bad news,
i.e., we are all sinners, separated from God. It ends with good news, i.e.,
Christ has come to forgive our sins and reconcile us with God.
_
394  The restaurant was a shade on the shabby side, but the tight-
fisted executive liked to patronize it for its specials. On this day, the
diner had a complaint, telling the waiter: "My lobster is without a
claw. Why is that?"
     "Well, sir, it's like this: Our lobsters are so fresh that they
fight with each other right in the kitchen."
     "A likely story," said the customer. "But, if that is the case,
take this one away and bring me back one of the winners."
-Conservative Digest
_
395  Time makes more converts than reason.
-Thomas Paine (1737-1809)
_
396  You know you're getting older when they ask to check your
bags and you aren't carrying any luggage.
_
397  Unless the Emperor Moth struggles to force itself out of its
cocoon, its wings will lie limp beside it, as it spends its brief life
crawling, instead of flying. The trials of life build strength of character.
Therefore, says James, "Consider it pure joy . . . whenever you face trials
of many kinds...." (James 1:2)
_
398  The preacher was preaching away making every point a rhyming
word-Some people think the answers to our problems will be corrected by
education, i.e., we have something to LEARN. Some say, "Let's start all
over and BURN everything down". Others say, "We must be diligent,
working hard to EARN our solutions." The real answer is to TURN and
repent from our destructive ways."
     One of the congregation knew that she had heard it before and
mentioned this to her son. Later that day he produced an Archie comic
book with the preacher's poetic message printed word for word.
_
399  When the Password contestant tried to get her partner to say
the hidden word, "Bread," it became obvious that the two partners
had different dialects. The clue "dough" was given, and the following
response was made amidst much laughter: "knob."
_
400  When my wife and I had an argument in public, she taught me
two things I'll never forget:
     After speaking angry words, I said, "We should be quieter, others
may hear us." Without a pause she responded, "Well honey, I will hear."
How true it is that I should be more considerate of my wife than of anyone
else.
     The second lesson was learned when I attempted to apologize by
saying, "Honey, I want to apologize so that if something happens to me I
will have said 'I'm sorry.' " Again, spontaneous wisdom flowed from her
lips, "Honey, even if you live forever, you should still apologize."
_
401  "We're from Podunk-it ain't the end of the world, but you
can see it from there! When Podunk had its annual beauty contest,
nobody won."
_
402  It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother
me. It is the parts that I do understand.
-Mark Twain (1835-1910)
_
403  An old Jewish folktale tells of King Solomon's visit from the
Queen of Sheba. She had heard of Solomon's wisdom and wanted to put it
to the test by asking him a few riddles: "It grows in the fields with its
head hung down like reeds. It is the glory of the rich, the shame of the
poor, a decoration for the dead and a threat to the living. It brings joy to
the bride, but death to fish," the Queen said.
     "It is flax," replied Solomon. "Beautiful linen robes are the glory of
the rich, linen rags the shame of the poor. The dead are wrapped in a linen
shroud, but the flaxen noose on the gallows threatens the living. The birds
are happy to find flax, for they eat its seeds, but the fish hate it, for
they die in flaxen nets."
     "That is correct. Now tell me what water neither falls from heaven
nor flows from the mountains. Sometimes it is as sweet as honey,
sometimes as bitter as wormwood, yet it always comes from the same
source."
     Solomon replied, "A tear on the cheek neither falls from heaven
nor flows from the mountains. When a man is joyful, his tears are sweet,
but tears of sorrow are seven times more bitter."
_
404  T.S. Elliot may be correct when he writes in "The Hollow Men":
     This is the way the world ends,
     This is the way the world ends,
     This is the way the world ends,
     Not with a bang but a whimper.
_
405  After a losing season, the coach's humiliation was topped off
with this telegram: The last train out of town leaves Sunday at noon.
Be under it.
_
406  Two little boys were walking around an art museum when
they came to the modern art section. Looking around at the
paintings, one boy said to the other, "Let's get out of here before
they blame it on us!"
_
407  It is the duty of nations, as well as of men, to own their
dependence upon the overruling power of God and to recognize the
sublime truth announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all
history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
_
408  The waitress asked the two college students how they wanted
their pizza cut, "Do you want it cut into six or ten pieces?" she
asked.
     "Better make it ten," said one, "we're really hungry!"
_
409  A father told of playing monopoly with his kids. For once in the
game he owned most of the property with hotels and houses and most of
the money. Bedtime came before the game ended leaving the father all
alone and feeling empty. As he placed the hotels and houses and money
back into the box, folded up the game board and placed the top on the
box, he thought: How similar is this experience to real life. When all the
things we have are one day left to someone else, all that's valuable will not
be earthly money, but the currency of heaven.
_
410  Two men are walking on the clouds of heaven. One says to
the other, "The last thing I heard the doctor say was, 'Oops'."
_
411  The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal
attention is the Bible.
-John Quincy Adams (1767-1848)
_
412  A man walks into a diner, sits down at the counter and orders
two milkshakes-one for himself and a thimble-full for his pet mouse.
After downing the shake, the mouse stands up on the napkin holder
and sings the National Anthem. The waiter is amazed. "Serve us
another shake," says the man to the waiter, "and you can keep the
mouse." So the waiter brings the two shakes and says, "I can't
believe you would give away a gold mine like that for a milk shake."
The man replies, "Heck, all he knows is the National Anthem."
_
413  The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his
tail and not his tongue.
_
414  Horatius Bonar, the 19th Century Scottish hymnwriter, wrote,
"Sickness takes us aside and sets us alone with God."
_
415  When Suzy came home late from school, her mom asked her
where she had been. "On the way home I saw Mary. She had broken her
bicycle so I stopped."        "Honey," began her mother, "you don't
know anything about fixing a bicycle."
     "I know," replied Suzy, "but I stopped to help her cry."
_
416  A man died and went to hell. Before him were three doors. He
opened the first door and out came fire and brimstone. "I don't want
that!" he said, slamming the door and opening the second. When
heat and steam radiated out of it, he quickly slammed the door,
hoping the third would be somewhat better. Behind the third door, he
was pleased to see a beautiful outdoor scene with people standing
around smoking cigarettes. The only drawback was that they were
waist-deep in muck, sludge, and sewage. With a smile on his face, the
man jumped in, slamming the door behind him, sealing his fate. Two
minutes later the devil's assistant arrived shouting, "O.K., smoke
break's over-back on your heads!"
_
417  All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind are
convinced that the fate of empires depends on the education of youth.
-Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
_
418  Inscribed at the base of the Statue of Liberty are the words of
Emma Lazarus: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore, send
these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me: I lift my lamp beside the
golden door." The Cross is the Christian statue of liberty-setting one free
from sin.
_
419  The non-violent, passive Quaker came home and found a
burglar in his house. Grabbing his hunting rifle, he aimed it at the
burglar and said, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou art
standing where I'm about to shoot."
_
420  Soon after the Australian bought his Rolls Royce, he began
wondering how much horsepower it had. So, he went to the dealer, who
didn't know the amount of horsepower and couldn't find it published in
any promotional material. "They don't advertise that kind of information,"
said the sales manager. At the insistence of the man, they decided to fax
England for the information.
     The next day they were faxed a one-word message, "sufficient."
The power of God's Holy Spirit in my life is sufficient to meet His ends.
_
421  "How old would a person be who was born in 1910?" read
the question on the math test. In the answer blank one student wrote,
"man or woman?"
_
422  Baseball coach Sparky Anderson once said, "Give me 25 men at
the end of their contracts, and I'll win the pennant."
_
423  John Wesley's covenantal prayer reads: I am no longer my own,
but Thine. Put me to what Thou wilt, rank me with whom Thou wilt. Put
me to doing, put me to suffering, let me be employed for Thee or laid
aside for Thee, exalted for Thee or brought low for Thee. Let me be full,
let me be empty, let me have all things, let me have nothing; I freely and
heartily yield all things to Thy pleasure and disposal. And now, O glorious
and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Thou art mine, and I am
Thine. So be it. And the covenant which I have made on earth, let it be
ratified in heaven. Amen.
_
424  While in a joking mood, one attorney asked his colleagues,
"Why do they bury lawyers 50 feet below ground?-Because," he
continued, "all attorneys say, 'Down deep, I'm a good guy!' "
_
425  Those who refuse to learn from history are condemned to repeat
it.
                         -George Santayana
      (It has been said that the one thing we learn from history is that
we do not learn from history.)
_
426  I counted dollars while God counted crosses,
I counted gains while He counted losses.
I counted my worth by the things gained in store,
But He sized me up by the scars that I bore.
I coveted honors and sought for degrees.
He wept as He counted the hours on my knees.
I never knew until one day by the grave,
How vain are the things that we spend life to save; I did not yet
know until my loved one went above
That richest is he who is rich in God's love.
_
427  A business executive is sitting quietly eating his lunch when a
stranger comes in and slaps him on the back-"Hey, Johnson, 'ole
buddy. What happened to you? You used to be short, now you're
tall. You used to be dark-haired, now you're blond. You used to have
brown eyes, now they're green."
     The executive looks up and says, "I'm sorry, but my name is
not Johnson."
     The stranger replies, "How about that. You've changed your
name, too!"
_
428  All the good from the Savior of the world is communicated
through this Book; but for the Book we could not know right from wrong.
All the things desirable to man are contained in it.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
_
429  During his reign, King Frederick William III of Prussia found
himself in trouble. Wars had been costly, and in trying to build the nation,
he was seriously short of finances. He couldn't disappoint his people, and
to capitulate to the enemy was unthinkable.
     After careful reflection, he decided to ask the women of Prussia to
bring their jewelry of gold and silver to be melted down for their country.
For each ornament received, he determined to exchange a decoration of
bronze or iron as a symbol of his gratitude. Each decoration would be
inscribed, "I gave gold for iron, 1813."
     The response was overwhelming. Even more important, these
women prized their gifts from the king more highly than their former
jewelry. The reason, of course, is clear. The decorations were proof that
they had sacrificed for their king. Indeed, it became unfashionable to wear
jewelry, and thus was established the Order of the Iron Cross. Members
wore no ornaments except a cross of iron for all to see.
     When Christians come to their King, they too exchange the
flourishes of their former life for a cross.
-Leadership Magazine
_
430  The little leaguer came home from a baseball game and
collapsed in a chair. "How'd it go today?" asked his mother. "Well, I
had a no-hitter going until the umpire yelled, 'Play ball!' "
_
431  A Jewish man visited his rabbi asking him, "When is the best day
to repent?" "The day before you die," came the reply. The man left, but
came back the next day asking, "How do I know which is the day before I
die?" "That's just it," said the Rabbi, "You don't. Therefore, repent every
day."
_
432  . . . the Bible . . . is the one supreme source of revelation of the
meaning of life, the nature of God, and spiritual nature and need of man.
It is the only guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of
peace and salvation.
-Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)
_
433  Two men are standing beside their tent. As they look down
the trail, a ravenously hungry grizzly bear is running toward them.
One rushes to take off his boots and put on his running shoes.
     "You fool," shouted his friend, "you can't outrun that bear."
     "I don't have to outrun the bear," came the hurried response,
"I just have to outrun you!"
_
434  When the great rabbi Baal Shem-Tov felt that his people were
threatened, he would go to a secret part of the forest to meditate. There he
would light a special fire, say a special prayer, and the disaster would be
averted.
     When his successor faced similar circumstances, he would go to
the same place in the forest and pray: "Great Master of the Universe, I do
not know how to light the special fire, but I am able to say the special
prayer, and this must be sufficient." It was, and the disaster was averted.
     When his successor faced difficult times, he would go to the
special place in the forest on behalf of his Jewish people and pray: "Great
Master of the Universe, I do not know how to light the fire, I do not know
how to say the prayer, but I know the place, and this must be sufficient."
It was sufficient, and the disaster was once again averted.
     When it fell to his successor to deal with the misfortune of his
people, he sat in his armchair with palms uplifted. "Great Master of the
Universe," he prayed, "I am unable to light the special fire, I do not know
the prayer, I cannot even find the place in the forest, but I can tell the
story and this must be enough." And it was.
-From Speaking in Stories, by William R. White
_
435  While getting a haircut, the man began telling about his wife
running off with his very best friend. "Who was he?" asked the
barber. "I don't know. I never met the fellow," said the man.
_
436  I have again and again, with all the plainness I could, declared
what our constant doctrines are, whereby we are distinguished only from
heathens or nominal Christians, not from any that worship God in spirit
and in truth. Our main doctrines, which include all the rest, are three-that
of Repentance, of Faith and of Holiness. The first of these we account, as it
were, the porch of religion; the next, the door; the third, religion itself.
-John Wesley (1703-1791)
_
437  Mother Theresa built her ministry around one word-"according."
"According to the need." The Salvation Army build its ministry around
three words-"soap, soup, and salvation."
_
438  A sign on the company bulletin board reads: Anyone needing
to get off for serious illness or a death in the family must notify the
office by 11:00 A.M. on the day of the game.
_
439  In C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, the character Aslan (a lion)
represents Jesus. On a summer visit to a house in England, some children
find an old wardrobe. Behind the wardrobe is the entrance into the land of
Narnia. When they come to visit the following summer, they find that
thousands of years have transpired in Narnia. In their adventures, they lose
their way and are subjected to nightmarish experiences. One night around
a campfire, the children, beaten and bleeding, see a shadow. It is Aslan.
Lucy is thrilled and playfully rides on his back. "Aslan," she says, "You're
so much bigger than you were last year."
     "Lucy, it hasn't been one year, but thousands. And the truth is I
haven't changed. I'm the same size today that I was yesterday, and will be
forever. However, the more people get to know me, the bigger I look to
them."
     The more we examine the person of Christ and the more we think
on His words, the larger and deeper our understanding of Christ becomes.
_
440  On the way home from church, a little boy asked his mother,
     "Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust?"
     "Yes, dear," she responded.
     "And do we go back to dust when we die?" he continued.
"Yes, dear."
     "Well, last night when I said my prayers, I looked under my
bed and saw someone who is either coming or going."
_
441  The great Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs. We often forget,
however, that he struck out over 1300 times.
_
442  One quick way to destroy a society is through its music.
-Nikolai Lenin (1870-1924)
_
443  Did you know that . . .
     -the top speed of a sneeze is 200 miles per hour?
     -Adolf Hitler once owned 8,960 acres of land in the state of
Colorado?
     -the gum on the back of a postage stamp contains about one-tenth of
a calorie?
     -seventy-two muscles are used in speaking one word?
     -when you flip a penny, it is more likely to come up heads than
tails?
_
444  The church has been compared to Noah's ark-if it weren't for the
storm on the outside, we wouldn't put up with the stink on the inside.
_
445  Who is a Senior Citizen? What is one? A Senior citizen is one who
was here before the pill and the population explosion. We were here before
television, penicillin, polio shots, anti-abortion and frisbees. We were
here before frozen food, nylon, dacron, xerox, radar, credit cards, and ball
point pens. Time sharing meant togetherness, not computers. A chip meant a
piece of wood; hardware meant hardware and software was not even a word. We
were before pantyhose, drip-dry clothes, ice makers, dishwashers and elec-
tric blankets. We were before Hawaii and Alaska became states, and before
men wore long hair and earrings and women wore tuxedos. We were before the
40-hour work week, the minimum wage, plastic, and Ann Landers. We got mar-
ried first and then lived together. Closets were for clothes-not for coming
out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were V.W.'s. Girls wore Peter
Pan collars and thought cleavage was something butchers did. We were before
pizza, cheerios, McDonalds, instant coffee or decaffeinated anything. We
thought fast food was what you ate during Lent.
     We were before FM radios, tape players, electric typewriters, word
processors, muzak, electronic music, disco dancing and that's not all bad.
In our day, grass was for mowing, coke was a refreshing drink, and pot was
something we cooked in.
     If we had been asked to explain C.I.A., Ms., NATO, NFL, IUD, we
would have said alphabet soup.
_
446  The story is told of the man touring an oil refinery. After seeing
the whole complicated process, he asked to see the shipping department. "Oh,
we don't have a shipping department. All the energy produced is needed to
refine the oil." It is sad that too many churches have no outlet, but use
most of their resources to maintain the machinery.
_
447  The final test of love is obedience. Not sweet emotions, not
willingness to sacrifice, not zeal, but obedience to the commandments of
Christ.
-A.W. Tozer (1897-1963)
_
448  Little Johnny went upstairs very reluctantly. "Jesus is with you,
Johnny," his mother said. When five minutes passed, Johnny cried out from
the darkened room, "Mommy, Jesus won't turn the light on!"
_
449  A little lad was keeping his sheep one Sunday morning. The bells
were ringing for church and the people were going over the field, when the
little fellow began to think that he too, would like to pray to God. But what
could he say? He had never learned a prayer. So he knelt down and commenced
the alphabet-A, B, C, and so on to Z.
     A gentleman happening to pass on the other side of the hedge, heard
the lad's voice and looking through the bushes, saw the little fellow
kneeling with folded hands and closed eyes, saying, "A, B, C. . . ."
     "What are you doing, my little man?"
     "Please, sir, I was praying."
     "But what are you saying your letters for?"
     "Because I didn't know any prayer, only I felt that I wanted God to
take care of me and to care for the sheep; so I thought if I said all I
knew, he would put it together and spell all I want."
     "Bless your heart, my little man. He will, He will. When the heart
speaks right, the lips can't say wrong."
-From "Our Sunday Afternoon"
(Quoted in Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations,
 Paul Lee Tan, Editor)
_
450  Our goal in evangelism is not to get the hell out, but to get heaven
in.
_
451  One mosquito is bloated to 20 times his normal size and has a
worried look on his face. Another mosquito yells, "Pull out Ernie, pull out!
You've hit an artery!"
_
452  The door of childhood closes gently, but when it is closed, it can-
not be opened again.
-Dr. James Dobson
_
453  When the bottom had dropped out of the oil industry, this joke
circulated around:
     Two women were walking down the streets of Dallas, Texas, when they
came upon a talking frog. "Kiss me," he said, "I'm a Texas oil man." The
women were shocked. One of the women reached down and stuffed the frog in
her purse.
     "Aren't you going to kiss him? He's a Texas oil man."
     Her friend replied, "Are you kidding? These days a talking frog is
worth a lot more than a Texas oil man!"
_
454  A false mental image of God is as bad as a false metal image of God.
_
455  The little boy rushes home bragging, "I made a hundred today in
school!" He pulls out two papers and says, "A fifty in spelling and a fifty
in math."
_
456  A man who needed work desperately rang the door bell of the home of
a wealthy businessman. "You got any work?" he asked. Feeling sorry for the
man, the millionaire responded, "Yes, I think I do have a job for you. Go
around back and you will find a can of green paint by the back door. I want
you to paint the porch for me." With a leap in his step, the man headed for
work. An hour later he rang the bell and said to the millionaire, "I
finished painting - and by the way, it isn't a Porsche. It's a Ferrari."
_
457  A 3-M ad during the 1988 Olympics made this statement:
"Dreams, like ideas, won't live without the support of others. So as you
look at the 1988 Olympics, remember-nobody got there alone."
_
458  Billy Graham recounts the following story:
     I recently heard the story of a mother in an African nation who came
to Christ and grew strong in her commitment and devotion to the Lord. As so
often happens, however, this alienated her from her husband, and over the
years he grew to despise and hate her new devotion to Christ.
     His anger and bitterness reached their climax when he decided to
kill his wife, their two children, and himself, unable to live in such self-
inflicted misery. But he needed a motive. He decided that he would accuse
her of stealing his precious keys-the keys were to the bank, the house, and
the car. Early one afternoon he left his bank and headed for the tavern. His
route took him across a footbridge extended over the headwaters of the Nile
River. He paused above the river and dropped the keys. He spent all after-
noon drinking and carousing.
     Later that afternoon, his wife went to the fish market to buy the
evening meal. She purchased a large Nile perch. As she was gutting the fish,
to her astonishment, in its belly were her husband's keys. How had they
gotten there? What were the circumstances? She did not know, but she cleaned
them up and hung them on the hook.
     Sufficiently drunk, the young banker came home that night and
pounded open the front door shouting, "Woman, where are my keys?" Already in
bed, she got up, picked them off the hook in the bedroom, and handed them to
her husband. When he saw the keys, by his own testimony he immediately
became sober and was instantly converted. He fell on his knees sobbing,
asked for forgiveness, and confessed Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior.
_
459  God often winks at our ignorance, but He would not have us stay
ignorant.
_
460  George Smith was a Moravian missionary who had trained his whole
life for the mission field in Africa. He died at a very young age, making
only one convert. One hundred years later, 13,000 Africans came to Christ
from that one convert.
     Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the
apples in a seed.
_
461  The customer was insistent that the clerk sell him half of a candle.
When the clerk went to the back room to cut it in half, he was met by his
supervisor who asked for and got this explanation:
"Some crazy man wants to buy half of a candle and"-at that moment he turned
and saw the customer standing behind him, but continued,"... and this nice
man wants to buy the other half."
_
462  He who reads, leads.
_
463  Dr. Ed Young of the Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, once
lamented that, "More Christians have been martyred in the 20th Century than
in any other century."
_
464  A woman called in on a radio talk show and said she almost had an
abortion 14 years earlier, when she was 17 years old. In a teary voice she
spoke of how thankful she was that she had refused to go through with it
-backing out while she was lying on the table. "Now he is 14 years old," she
said with great emotion, "and he led me to the Lord."
_
465  Hubert Humphrey's wife, Muriel, once reminded him, "Hubert, Dear, a
speech does not have to be eternal to be immortal."
_
466  Rip Van Winkle is one of the immortal characters created by the
early American writer, Washington Irving. Rip was a Dutch American who
wandered off into the Catskill Mountains. There he met up with a group of
dwarfs playing 9-pins and fell asleep. He didn't wake up for 20 years, and
when he did, he found that his old hometown had become a whole new world.
His wife was dead, his daughter was married, and the people who used to have
a picture of King George now had one of George Washington. He had slept
through the American Revolution.
     It appears that the Church is now waking up to the reality of the
moral revolution that has taken place in America. Is it too late?
_
467  After the man read this epitaph-"Here lies an attorney and an honest
man"-this question came to his mind: "Since when do they put two people in
one grave?"
_
468  William Barclay writes the following in his commentary on
Philippians: George Reindrop, in his book, No Common Task, tells how a nurse
once taught a man to pray and in doing so changed his whole life. This dull,
disgruntled and dispirited creature became a man of joy. Much of the nurse's
work was done with her hands, and she used her hands as a scheme of prayer.
Each finger stood for someone. Her thumb was nearest to her, and it reminded
her to pray for those who were closest to her. The second finger was used
for pointing and it stood for all her teachers in school and in the hospi-
tal. The third finger was the tallest and it stood for the V.I.P.s, the
leaders in every sphere of life. The fourth finger was the weakest, as every
pianist knows, and it stood for those who were in trouble and in pain. the
little finger was the smallest and the least important, and to the nurse it
stood for herself.
_
469  "It's wise," said the father to his son, "to live every day as if
it's your last day."
     "Well," said the son, "I tried that once and you put me on
restriction."
_
470  Astronaut Colonel James Irwin is right when he says, "More important
than man walking on the moon, is that God walked on earth."
_
471  What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?-A
walkie-talkie.
_
472  Just recently that liberal think-tank located in Washington D.C.,
the Brookings Institute, released its findings and conclusions from an
extensive study of American life. The greatest threat to the American
culture as we know it, said the report, is not from outside forces, but from
the loss of the underpinnings of religion in America. The report basically
affirmed that the secular humanist state does not have the moral fiber that
is needed to build our nation.
_
473  The prayer of a servant: "Lord, send me where others cannot go, or
will not go."
_
474  The Russian scientist, Dr. Boris Dotsenko, once head of the Nuclear
Physics Department of the Institute of Physics in Kiev, Russia, was taught
to be an atheist. As he thought about the orderly earth and the second law
of thermodynamics, he says, "It suddenly dawned on me that there must be a
very powerful organizing force counteracting this disorganizing tendency
within nature, keeping the universe controlled and in order. This force must
not be material; otherwise, it too would become disordered. I concluded that
this power must be both omnipotent (all-powerful) and omniscient (all-wise
and all-knowing). There must be a God-one God-controlling everything."
     Psalm 19:104 reads, "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies
proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night
after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where
their voice is not heard."
_
475  Capitalism is the worst economic system, except for all the rest.
-Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
_
476  "I'm from Green Bay, Wisconsin," said the speaker, "where the foot-
ball players are great and the women are ugly." After the speech an irate
man came to the podium and said, "Hey, Buddy, my wife's from Green Bay."
     "Oh," said the speaker, thinking quickly, "what position did she
play?"
_
477  John Wesley, a classical scholar and gifted with a virile mind, gave
himself fully to God and consecrated all his powers to His service. Posses-
sed of a scholar's love for books, yet he spent the most of his life in the
saddle and in the active duties of a most strenuous life. With a passionate
love for art, especially for music and architecture, he turned away from
their charms to blow the Gospel trumpet with all his might.
     With a more than ordinary longing for the sweets and comforts of
human love, he rose above disappointments which would have crushed ordinary
men, forgot his "inly-bleeding heart" (his own expression), and gave himself
unreservedly to the work of binding up the broken-hearted. While visiting
the beautiful grounds of an English nobleman, he said, "I, too, have a
relish for these things; but there is another world."
-From "Sunday School Times"
 (Quoted in Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations,
Paul Lee Tan, Editor)
_
478  In Sunday School, Johnny had learned about God taking Adam's rib and
making Eve. The next day he ran home from school and his side began to hurt.
"Momma," he cried, "I think I'm going to have a wife!"
_
479  Two women are standing at a newsstand where the headline reads,
"World Population - 32.9%  Christian" One woman says smugly to her friend,
"I hate to brag, but I'm about 60% Christian myself."
_
480  "At the desk where I sit, I have learned one great truth. The answer
for all our national problems-the answer for all the problems of the world-
comes in a single word. That word is education." Those words of Lyndon B.
Johnson leave unexplainable the fact that we find Ph.D.'s and highly
educated men and women in prison.
     General Douglas MacArthur gives a much more insightful solution in
his profound speech given at the end of World war II:
     "Today the guns are silent ... the skies no longer rain death ...
the seas bear only commerce ... men everywhere walk upright in the sunlight.
The entire world is quietly at peace....
     "A new era is upon us. Even the lesson of victory itself brings with
it profound concern both for our future security and the survival of civili-
zation. The destructiveness of the war potential, through progressive
advances in scientific discovery, has in fact now reached a point which
revises the traditional concept of war....
     "Men since the beginning of time have sought peace, but military
alliances, balance of power, leagues of nations, all in turn failed, leaving
the only path to be by way of the crucible of war.
     "We have had our last chance. If we do not now devise some greater
and more equitable system, Armageddon will be at our door. The problem is
basically theological and involves a spiritual recrudescence and improvement
of human character. It must be of the spirit if we are to save the flesh."
(Quoted in Kingdoms in Conflict, by Chuck Colson)

     From the drug scene in Harlem, to the greed on Wall Street, the
solutions to our problems go far beyond mere education and into the realm of
the spiritual.
_
481  One preacher compared dead, museum-like churches to lively zoo-like
churches-saying, "It is easier to restrain a fanatic than it is to resurrect
a corpse."
_
482  President Reagan once quipped, "As long as there are math tests,
children will pray in schools."
_
483  The retirement plan for Jesus' disciples included imprisonment and
martyrdom.
_
484  George Whitefield was once asked about another man, "Is that man a
Christian?" "I don't know," said Whitefield. "Ask his wife."
_
485  At age 15, tall, gaunt, Swedish-American Bruce Olson became a
Christian. Soon after, God gave him a passion for souls, and he traveled to
Venezuela to penetrate the jungles with the gospel. Plunging in to the
jungle, he sought out the Motilone Indians, not knowing their name meant
"to mutilate."
     Nearing one of their villages, he received their greeting card in the
form of a poisoned, barbed arrow. For some strange reason they did not kill
this young blond-haired boy, but forced him to walk for hours to their
village, dropping him on a mat in a heap-deathly sick from the poisoned
arrow.
     For the next few weeks he was in and out of a coma with no one con-
cerned for his life, except one teenage boy named Bobarishora. His new
friend brought him food and water, and later they went hunting and fishing
together, which allowed Bruce to learn the language.
     Bobarishora soon accepted Christ and worked with Bruce to bring the
gospel to others.
     Having heard of the great chief of the Motilones, Bruce took two
guides into the jungles to make this nine-day journey-in spite of warnings
that the chief had vowed to kill him on sight. On the journey, Bruce came
down with a dread liver disease, and though he could walk only a few yards
at a time, he refused to turn back.
     For four days his companions carried him, dragging his feet in the
dirt. When they arrived at the chief's village, the chief came out of his
hut, with his bow drawn to kill this young man lying sick before him.
     In the amazing providence of God, the chief spared his life, and
Bruce was later restored to health. Later the chief was led to Christ along
with hundreds of other Motilone Indians. The gospel made such an impact in
the Venezuelan jungles that the United Nations brought Bruce Olson to New
York City and bestowed upon him their highest honor for humanitarian work.
A whole civilization was transformed because one young man had a passion for
souls beating in his heart.
-From a sermon by Dr. D. James Kennedy
_
486  No one in the neighborhood could get little Johnny to stop beating
his drum at odd hours of the day and night. One clever man had had enough
and approached Johnny with a hammer and a chisel. "I wonder," he asked sug-
gestively, "what's inside making that noise?" While watching Johnny work on
his drum with the hammer and chisel, he said to a neighbor, "You've got to
know how to ask the right questions."
_
487  All history, once you strip the rind off the kernel, is really
spiritual.
-Arnold J. Toynbee (1889-1975)
_
488  The emergency medical unit was called for one of the church members
who died while sitting in a pew. They picked up five people before they got
the right one.
_
489  When it comes to legalized gambling, you just can't beat elections.
_
490  No horse gets anywhere until he is harnessed. No steam or gas ever
drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned to light and
power until it is tunnelled. No life ever grows great until it is focused,
dedicated, disciplined.
-Harry E. Fosdick (1878-1969)
_
491  A young 19-year-old communist named Peter, the son of a high-ranking
Romanian official, interrupted an early morning church service. Those who
met him at the door were shocked with fright and handled him like a hot pot-
ato until he was sitting before the church leader. "What do you want?" the
preacher asked with a sharp tone. Looking up from his chair, the young man
said, "I want God." The preacher began to weep for being so insensitive to
the Holy Spirit and later led the young man to Christ.
     When Peter shared the news of his Christian faith with his parents,
they offered him everything from money to vacations out of the country, in
order to discourage his faith. Nothing could make this young man recant, so
his parents placed him in a psychiatric prison.
     A few years later, the preacher who led Peter to Christ met him on
the street-now a gaunt and frail young man, prematurely gray. "Peter, what
have they done to you?" the preacher asked. "What can I say, what can I
say?"
     "Don't say anything," Peter responded. "In prison I had the oppor-
tunity to acquire a New Testament. I read the life of Paul and am ashamed
that I have suffered so little for Christ. I've learned that if God allows
you to walk on the sunny side of the street, then you should serve the Lord
with gladness. And," he said with a smile, "if God allows you the privilege
of walking through the valley of the shadow of death, then you should serve
the Lord with gladness."
_
492  My favorite place on earth is an inch inside my door.
-Charles R. Swindoll
_
493  The reporter asked the 100-year-old man to what he attributed his
long life. "Well," said the man, "I drink a large glass of water before I go
to bed-and I just have to get up in the morning."
_
494  William Barclay uses a statement by William James to illustrate
temptation:
     When you leave a railway train and stand on the platform where the
taxis are drawn up, you hear each driver yelling: "Taxi! Taxi!" These are
the temptations that come to a man. You are at that moment free of them.
Only when you have deliberately chosen one taxi and gone off in it, either
to your destination or to your destruction, have you consented to a tempt-
ation. It is in the free choice you make of temptation that you sin-not in
the temptations themselves.
_
495  In his book, Kingdoms in Conflict, Chuck Colson quotes social
critic Russell Kirk:
     Without Christian culture and Christian hope, the modern world
would come to resemble a half-derelict fun-fair, gone nasty and poverty-
racked-one enormous Atlantic City.
_
496  One close traveling companion of the late Smith Wigglesworth,
said that Wigglesworth did not pray for miracles, but prayed for holiness.
Out of holiness comes miracles.
_
497  Joe and Bill were bragging about their fishing experiences. "I
caught a 30 pound frog and fed my whole family of five with the frog
legs," said Bill.
     "Well, that's nothing. I pulled up a lantern that my father
had lost in the lake 50 years ago-and it was still lit," said Joe.
     After a thoughtful pause, Bill said, "I'll take 10 pounds off
my frog if you'll blow that lantern out."
_
498  Herod the Great, who ruled over Palestine before the birth of
Christ, was a man of his day. He was grossly immoral. He had ten wives,
two of them were his nieces. He had affairs with his eunuch, he murdered
at least one of his wives, he attempted suicide twice, he murdered a high
priest, a brother-in-law, an uncle, a mother-in-law, and several sons. These
murders prompted Emperor Augustus Caesar to comment, "It is better to
be Herod's pig than his son."
     Herod was a man of his day, which was a day of moral
bankruptcy.
_
499  Allow God to help Himself to us.
-Oswald Chambers
_
500  Rearing small children is about as easy as nailing a poached
egg to a tree.
_
501  India Albery was, perhaps, the most unusual person ever to work
at Guideposts. Lady Albery-for that was her title-seldom spoke about
herself. We knew only that she had come from England, that her early life
had been privileged, but that when she first came to Guideposts, she was
old and alone and impoverished, living in a shabby room with a few
cherished keepsakes.
     She met adversity bravely, but with a stern and haughty
demeanor. I myself tried hard, but I could not break through her British
reserve. I used to pray that I'd find some way to reach her, but she was
too proud to let any emotion show.
     One lunch hour in December, I was browsing in an antique shop,
a favorite pastime. I seldom purchased anything, but this day was
different. I spied an enamel pencil in a silver case. It had a large "A" in
its elaborate monogram, and I felt an urging-almost a physical nudge-to buy
it for Lady Albery.
     "What's this?" she asked brusquely when I handed her the tiny
package.
     "Just a little Christmas something," I said apprehensively.
     When Lady Albery opened the package and saw the silver case,
her body tensed, and her eyes filled with tears. "Dina," she said-never
before had she used my first name-"Dina, how did you know?"
     "Know what?" I asked.
     "This once belonged to me." she said. "I had to sell it years ago,
when I was hungry and desperate. It was given to me by someone I loved.
And now your kindness has brought it back."
     A circle of love, I thought, I've been part of a circle of love.
     And Lady Albery never forgot it.
-Dina Donohue
-From His Mysterious Ways, by Editors of Guideposts
_
502  "I'm going to sing a song that will make your hair fall out,"
boasted the guest singer. "I can see," he continued, "that some of
you have already heard it."
_
503  I'm against sin. I'll kick it as long as I've got a foot, and I'll
fight it as long as I've got a fist. I'll butt it as long as I've got a head.
I'll bite it as long as I've got a tooth. And when I'm old and fistless and
footless and toothless, I'll gum it 'til I go home to Glory and it goes home
to perdition!
-Billy Sunday
_
504  Little Johnny didn't pay attention in church and went home
thinking that "Away in the Manger" was a song about "Round John
Virgin." The Lord's prayer really confused him about God's name.
He first thought the prayer was to "Art in heaven." Then he thought
the prayer was to "Harold"-"Harold be Thy name." He was
disturbed when he heard in the prayer, "Thy King Kong come."
_
505  Chuck Swindoll refers to a study by Dr. Harley of those whose
marriages were broken up by an affair and of those who were presently
involved in an extramarital affair. The needs of these women and the
needs of these men were surveyed and are listed in descending order:
women-affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support,
family commitment. Men-sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship,
attractive spouse, domestic support, admiration.
     Though not specifically listed, loyalty or faithfulness must
certainly be of primary importance in any relationship. Without loyalty, the
other needs mean nothing-i.e., who wants an attractive and wealthy but
unfaithful spouse?
_
506  You are as close to God as the person you like the least.
_
507  A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no
further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of
salvation as a miserable world-and might even be more difficult to save.
-C. S. Lewis (1898-1963)
_
508  Elizabeth Elliot once referred to a sign used to encourage the
Coast Guard crew as they boarded their boats: "You must go out-you
don't have to come back."
_
509  Though trying to curb her spending habits, the wife gave in to
a fur sale. While showing her husband her new mink coat, he asked,
"Why? Why? Why? Didn't you say, 'Satan, get thee behind me?' "
     "I certainly did, and he whispered in my ear, 'It looks even
better from back here.' "
_
510  During an interview, Ronald Reagan referred to a statement by
Clark Gable, saying that there is nothing better in life than to walk up the
sidewalk to your door and know that someone on the other side is listening
for those footsteps.
_
511  Tony Campolo tells the story of E. M. Barclay riding on a train,
leaving Victoria Station in London. Twenty minutes outside of the station,
one of the two men in front of him had an epileptic seizure-he stiffened
and fell onto the floor. His friend propped him back into his seat, wiped his
brow, and put his rolled up jacket behind his head. Turning to explain to
Barclay, the friend said, "Mister, please forgive us. I didn't expect him to
have another attack so soon." Continuing, he said, "My friend here is
English and I'm American. We served in Vietnam together. During battle
we were both hit. I had bullets in both my legs, and he had one in his
shoulder. We were behind enemy lines and our helicopter never came.
That's when my friend, here, began to carry me through the jungle. 'Let
me alone, let me die-you save yourself,' I told him, 'No,' he said. 'If you
die, I die with you.' For three and a half days, over rocks and trees and
rough terrain, my friend carried me until we made it back to safety. Four
years ago I learned that he was having epileptic seizures and needed
someone to care for him. Since I'm not married, I decided to sell my house
and furniture and come take care of him."
     "That," said E. M. Barclay, "is the most noble and beautiful thing
I've ever heard of for someone to do for his friend."
     "Aw shucks, man, you don't understand," said the man. "You see,
mister, after what he did for me, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for
him!"
     May we feel the very same about Christ's sacrifice for us.
_
512  One preacher refers to the too common "Cost-plus-10%-
Theology," or the "Hope-so Christianity." He explains, "I do my
best, Jesus tosses in His 10%, and I hope God grades on the curve."
_
513  With a puzzled look on his face, the executive stands at the
new paper shredder and asks, "For goodness sakes, how do you get
just one copy?"
_
514  At the funeral service of renowned atheist Robert Ingersoll, the
program read: "There will be no singing." What does an atheist have to
sing about?
_
515  Missionary James Calvert was heading up a mission team to the
cannibal island of Fiji. The captain of the ship knew the island well and
told Calvert that he and his foolish comrades would probably die on the
island. Without a pause Calvert responded, "We died before we came
here."
_
516  When principles that run against your deepest convictions begin
to win the day, then battle is your calling, and peace has become sin;
you must come at the price of dearest peace, lay your convictions bare
before friend and enemy, with all the fire of your faith.
-Abraham Kuyper
_
517  Our lives can be divided into three categories: worship, work,
and play. Unfortunately, we worship our work, work at our play, and
play at our worship.
_
518  "Son," said the father, "I believe it's time we had a talk
about the birds and the bees."
     "Okay Dad," said the son, "what do you want to know?"
_
519  Benjamin West, a British artist, tells how he became an artist. His
mother went out, leaving him in charge of his younger sister, Sally. He got
out some bottles of colored ink and made a terrible mess drawing a portrait
of his sister. Ink blots were everywhere. When his mother returned, she
saw the mess but said nothing. She stooped down, saw the portrait and
proclaimed, "Why, that's Sally!" She then kissed her son. Ever after,
Benjamin used to say, "My mother's kiss made me a painter."
_
520  The cow is of the bovine ilk;
     One end is moo, the other milk.
-Ogden Nash (1902-1971), The Cow
_
521  Some years ago a congressman in Washington, D.C. had a habit
of dropping a coin in the street every day on his way to work. When asked
why he did it, he would smile and reply, "Oh, someone is sure to find it
and be happy the rest of the day."
-Bits and Pieces
_
522  Definition:  Elephant-a mouse made to government
specifications.
_
523  In his Saturday, April 5, 1783, journal entry, Francis Asbury
reports: "I heard the news that peace was confirmed between England and
America. I had various exercises of mind on the occasion: It may cause
great changes to take place amongst us; some for the better, and some for
the worse. It may make against the work of God: Our preachers will be far
more likely to settle in the world; and our people, by getting into trade,
and acquiring wealth, may drink into its spirit."
_
524  A farmer had difficulty telling his two horses apart. He tried
cutting off the tail of one, but it only grew back, leaving him with the
same problem. He cut off the mane, but had the same results. Finally,
he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches
taller than the black horse.
_
525  The book, Faith-Sharing, refers to a powerful illustration from
James Michener's book, The Source:           There is a scene in the
book depicting what life was like in that region long before the rise of the
Hebrew religion and its faith in the one true God. The author paints a
graphic picture of a young woman standing in the doorway of her house,
watching as her husband takes their first-born child to the temple to be
offered as a human sacrifice to a pagan fertility god. This was thought to
be an act of worship. In this ancient religion it was believed that in order
to assure fertility in the family and on the farm, the first-born child had
to be sacrificed. The mother's heart is breaking. All during her pregnancy,
she has tried to prepare herself for this terrible moment, but nothing could
prepare her for such pain and sorrow. Tears are streaming down her cheeks.
     Later, we see this same woman standing in her doorway. Only this
time she watches as her husband goes to the temple to consort with temple
prostitutes. This too was thought to be an act of worship, assuring fertility
in the family and on the farm. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, and
she points to her husband and says,"If he had had a different god, he
would have been a different man." Our understanding of the nature of God
makes a great deal of difference.
_
526  If we live good lives, the times are also good. As we are, such
are the times.
-St. Augustine (354-430)
_
527  The man was taking a shower when the Pope's motorcade
rode by. His wife yelled out, "The Pope is riding by. Look out the
bathroom window!" Jumping out of the shower he looked out the
window and sure enough, the Pope was driving by. From then on he
bragged, "I once saw the Pope naked."
_
528  A U.S. three-cent stamp of 1947 has a quote by the American
newspaper publisher, Joseph Pulitzer: "Our republic and its press will rise
or fall together."
_
529  The church had taken a vote and decided to give up "heat" in
the sanctuary for the Lenten Season. When the preacher asked the
woman at the door what she would give up, she responded with one
word, "church."
_
530  With great insight C. S. Lewis writes in the Screwtape Letters:
The greatest evil is not done in those sordid dens of crime that Dickens
loved to paint . . .
it is conceived and . . . moved, seconded, carried, and minuted . . . in
clean, carpeted, warm, and well-lighted offices, by quiet men with white
collars and cut fingernails and smooth-shaven cheeks who do not need to
raise their voices.
_
531  John Wesley was riding down the road when he realized that three
days had passed without his being persecuted. He stopped, got down off
his horse, and began to pray-"Lord, can it be that I have backslidden?" He
was seen by a farmer nearby who thought he would fix this Methodist
preacher by throwing a brick at him. Seeing the brick land beside him,
Wesley responded, "Thank God, it's all right. I still have His presence."
_
532  A church or any other organization is either pushed by its
problems or led by its dreams!
_
533  I still have the love letters my wife wrote me during our courtship
days. Though I keep them because I treasure them, my focus is not on
them, but on her. They told me of her love for me then, and I am still
experiencing it now!
     Suppose I had memorized those love letters. Or decoupaged them
and put them all over my house. Or even wrote books on the wonder of
her words. If I had never come to her, never had time for her, then I
would have missed the whole purpose of the letters!
     Similarly, the Scriptures are not an end in themselves. They point
the way to a meaningful relationship with the living God. They bring us
into fellowship with him as they demonstrate His love. Our response is to
love Him with everything we are and have-and to show that love in
obedience . . . the Scriptures are letters to us from God through special
secretaries like Moses, the prophets, apostles, and others-letters urging us
to come to Him for fellowship.          The Scriptures are a photo
album of Jesus Christ. In Scripture we see Him as He performs and acts
out His role as Savior. We see Him also as Teacher -Friend-
Counselor-Healer-Helper and in many other roles according to our need.
     But along with those word pictures are the Lord's current address
and phone number. Jesus is saying to us, "Come to me so that I can be to
you now what I was in the past to others." If we do not come, we have
missed the primary purpose of the Scriptures.
-From Hearing God, by Peter Lord
_
534  The very shy man finally got up the courage to call Miss
Johnson and ask her to marry him. Nervously he dialed the number.
When Miss Johnson answered, he said, "Miss Johnson, you know
I've admired you a long time. Will you marry me?"
     "Yes," she said quickly, but continued, "Who is this?"
_
535  The great British statesman, W. E. Gladstone, said toward theend of his
life," . . . there is one thing that frightens me-the fear thatGod seems to
be dying out in the minds of men."
_
536  It is said that the sculptor, Agostino d'Antonio of Florence, Italy,
worked with great effort on a large piece of marble to no avail. Other
sculptors too, were unsuc- cessful, so the piece was discarded to a rubbish
heap for forty years. Michelangelo came upon the stone and began to see
its possibilities. With vision and skill, Michelangelo carved one of the
greatest marble sculptures-"David".
_
537  Following the revival service, one man came up to the
preacher and said, "I'm reluctant to come down front and get saved
because I don't know how I'll get my shirt over my wings if I go to
heaven."
     "That's not your problem," said the preacher. "Your
problem is getting your hat over your horns."
_
538  Character is much easier kept than recovered.
-Thomas Paine (1737-1809)
_
539  The American tourist had been all over the world and
obnoxiously let everyone on the tour of Italy know it. The guide was
put out by the woman so he took her to a volcano to impress her. As
she looked into the glow and smoke of this awesome sight, she
exclaimed, "That looks sorta like hell!"
     The guide quickly turned and said, "Oh, you Americans! You
have been everywhere, haven't you?!"
_
540  A missionary physician in one of China's hospitals restored the
sight of a man by removing his cataracts. Several weeks later, forty-eight
blind men came to the doctor, holding a rope held in the hand of the man
who had been cured earlier. He had led them in this way walking in a
chain for 250 miles. May we lead others to Christ, who gives sight to the
blind.
_
541  A covetous man does nothing well till he dies.
-Thomas Wilson (1525?-1581)
_
542  Tuesday night was chicken night at the restaurant where I worked
as a waitress, but on this Tuesday few customers ordered it. "Take some
home," said the manager. The chicken was greasy, so I wrapped it in
plastic, a box and a bag.
     The last customers lingered, and we closed late. Missing the last
bus, I began walking home through deserted Milwaukee streets. Unable to
afford a cab, I prayed and sang a hymn. God would see me home safely.
     But He didn't. A man with a knife leaped out of the shadows,
pushed me down a dark side street, and spoke in ugly language of what
he'd do when we reached his place on Brady Street. Why had God
forsaken me?
     Despite my anger, I kept praying. And then, out of nowhere I
heard four words. They were very clear, very firm. "Debbie, eat your
chicken." What? Was I losing my mind? "Debbie, eat your chicken."
     As I was being dragged along, I pulled out a chicken breast,
struggling with all the wrappings. Crying too hard to eat, I just carried it
in my hand. We reached Brady Street.
     Two large dogs rummaged in spilled trash cans. Suddenly the dogs
perked up their heads, sniffed the air. Growling, baring teeth, they charged
at us. My attacker fled.
     The dogs did not lunge at me. They fixed their eyes on the
chicken in my hand. I tore off meat and threw it down, where they fought
hungrily for it.
     Dropping pieces every few yards, I got the stray dogs to follow
me home. By the time I was safely inside I'd begun to understand.
Debbie, eat your chicken-the chicken that had been wrapped too thickly
to be smelled by even a dog. But in my hand . . .
-Deborah Rose
-From His Mysterious Ways, by Editors of Guideposts
_
543  There are more suicides in America than in oppressive
communist countries-reportedly, one every ninety minutes.
_
544  Sign in a secondhand bookstore: These books were owned by
a little old lady who never read faster than 50 words a minute.
_
545  Charles Wolfe wrote the following in The Burial of Sir John
Moore, reminding all of us that life is temporal:
     Few and short were the prayers we said,
     And we spoke not a word of sorrow;
     But we steadfastly gazed on the face that was
     dead,
     And we bitterly thought of the morrow.
_
546  The teacher asked little Johnny which he thought was more
important, the sun or the moon. "The moon," answered Johnny,
"because it shines at night when we need the light."
_
547  Holland-America cruises once advertised their services with these
words, "The joy of doing what you want-the art of going your own way."
_
548  In the newspaper's "How Cheap Are You?" contest, the top
tightwad honors were given to a retired welder who claimed he
separates two-ply toilet paper to save money. "It's no trouble at all;
it just takes a little practice." Some honorable mentions included the
couple who hand their dental floss on a hook for reuse; the couple
who collects two-for-one coupons to restaurants and then invites
another couple-"We make them pay for their half, and we dine free;"
the unbelievable person who wrote, "I regulate my bodily functions
so that I go to the bathroom during work hours. This saves on water,
tissue, and time;" and the man who refreezes used ice cubes after his
guests leave.
_
549  All I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with
prayer and closes with an investigation.
-Will Rogers (1879-1935)
_
550  In his description of the Nicene Council, Vance Havner says that
not more than twelve of the 318 delegates had not lost a hand or an eye or
did not walk with a limp upon a leg shrunk in its sinews by the burning
iron of torture. It is said that Constantine was so moved that during the
council he went around the room and kissed the scars of these tortured
saints who had faced fierce persecution.
_
551  Too many Christians are worried about the wagon instead of
the load.
_
552  Every social order rests on a creed, on a concept of life and law,
and represents a religion in action. Culture is religion externalized, and,
as Henry Van Til observed, "A people's religion comes to expression in its
culture, and Christians can be satisfied with nothing less than a Christian
organization of society." Wherever there is an attack on the organization of
society, there is an attack on its religion . . . .
-R.J. Rushdoony
_
553  The Puritans had a saying: Our affections bribe our
discernments.
_
554  A man came to the judge to learn the procedure for changing
his name. "What is your name?" asked the Judge. "Bill Stink," the
man replied. "I can understand your concern. Now, what would you
like to change it to?" questioned the Judge. "John Stink," said the
man.
_
555  A Hillbilly responded to an ad for a chain saw that
guaranteed the saw could down forty trees in one day. After making
the purchase, he brought it back the next day complaining that he
could cut down only three trees. "Let me see that," said the previous
owner. With a pull of the cord the saw revved up with a
loud-buzzzzzzzzzz! "What's that noise?" asked the Hillbilly.
_
556  I don't know where we got these churches that are one-half
country clubs. The Kingdom of God is supposed to bring joy and laughter
and ecstasy in a world gone dead. No wonder we are losing a whole
generation from our churches. We are taking a party and making it boring.
     It is not the theological and ideological disagreements that are
killing the church; it is the deadness. The question is not, "Do you believe
in the Book?" but, "Have you come to God's party?"
     -Anthony Campolo
_
557  My definition of a friend is one who has the same enemies you
have.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
_
558  The speaker was introduced as having made three million
dollars in the lumber business in three years. At the microphone, he
corrected the misinformation: "First of all, it wasn't the lumber
business, it was the oil business. And it wasn't three years, it was one
year. And it wasn't three million, it was five million. And it wasn't
me, it was my brother. And he didn't make it, he lost it."
_
559  In his book, A Bishop Speaks His Mind, Bishop Earl G. Hunt
says, "Every church-but especially every large and basically affluent
church-needs poor people in its membership . . . . The local church that
makes no effort to include some of the innumerable poor in its
ecclesiastical family . . . can hardly expect the Lord Jesus to feel at home
in its fellowship . . . ."
_
560  The basis of salvation is not in achieving but in
receiving-salvation is all of grace.
_
561  After an older adult seminar, an elderly woman spied an
elderly gentleman across the room. Being on the forward side, she
introduced herself and said excitedly, "You look just like my third
husband."
     "Tell me," asked the man, "how many husbands have you
had?"
     With a smile she gave this reply, "Two."
_
562  Note the following AP report: The screening committee reviewing
applications to the $20,000 International Violin competition had doubts
about a Brazilian candidate, but her audition tape was so dazzling they
invited her to play.
     But when Blumita Singer did, she was so bad that some in the
audience giggled. Others walked out.
     The panel of judges then reviewed the audition tape and soon
concluded it hadn't been Singer's artistry but that of Yehudi Menuhin or
Fritz Kreisler, two of this century's greatest violinists.
     The judges disqualified Singer from the competition, the richest in
the world.
     Singer, 26, was sent home to Sao Paolo, Brazil, Tuesday after
performing in preliminaries Sunday.
     She was the first person accused of fraud in the contest's eight-
year history.
     "No further action will be taken against Singer," contest officials
said.

     When we stand before the Judgment Throne, it will be our own
life that is examined, not someone else's life.
_
563  A man was going through some old books and came across
an old Gutenberg Bible with a few loose pages. He decided to throw it
away and later told his friend about it. The friend, in shock,
responded, "You made a big mistake-that Bible was worth a
fortune!"
     "Not this one," said the man. "Some fellow named Luther
had written in all the margins!"
_
564  In an etching of Rembrandt, picturing Christ driving out the
money-changers with a whip, the halo over his hand appears misplaced.
The symbol suggests that justice by the hand of God is just as sacred as
his mercy.
_
565  Prayer is a dialogue between two persons who love each other.
_
566  Take note of Francis Asbury's Journal, dated Sunday, March 18:
Rode ten miles to the new chapel in Middle River Neck. I would not ride
in the coach. Will my character never be understood? But gossips will talk.
If we want plenty of good eating and new suits of clothes, let us come to
Baltimore; but we want souls.
     John  Wesley often reminded his preachers, "Be about winning
souls."
_
567  Go to the Scriptures . . . the joyful promises it contains will be a
balsam to all your troubles.
-Andrew Jackson (1767-1845)
_
568  There is no more urgent challenge in the 1990's than strengthening
society's most basic institution: the family . . . The family is an institu-
tion fundamental to our civilization. We need to raise our consciousness to
its frailty.
     What is needed is a commitment from every part of society-from
government leaders to the corporate board room to the kitchen table-to
strengthen the family. My hope, and my personal resolution for the new
decade, is that businesses will do their part to help society strive for that
goal.
     -Thomas B. Wheeler, Chief Executive Officer,
Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company
(From Kiwanis)
_
569  Bishop Ernest Fitzgerald, commenting on the difficulty of his
schedule, once told an audience, "I told my wife that if she ever
decided to leave me, to give me a little notice and I would go with
her."
_
570  One Sunday night, Dwight L. Moody preached in a big circus tent
in Chicago from the text, "The Son of Man is come to seek and save the
lost." When he had finished, a little boy who had wandered from his father
was brought to the platform by a police officer. Moody took the child in
his arms and showed him to the crowd saying, "The father is more anxious
to find the boy than the boy is to be found. It is the same with your
heavenly Father-for long years he has been following you. Oh sinner, He is
following you still."
_
571  "Honey," said the preacher to his wife, "everyone seemed to
agree with my sermon this morning."
     "Yes," she responded, "I noticed everyone nodding."
_
572  The Suzuki Samurai automobile was removed from the
market because of its tendency to turn over. Paul Harvey was
informed of a bumper "snicker" that had been placed upside down
on one of these deadly cars: If you can read this, turn me over.
_
573  Americans have not fully realized their ideals. There are
imperfections. But the ideal is right. It is everlastingly right. What our
country needs is the moral power to hold to it.
     It has always seemed to me that common sense is the real solvent
for the nation's problems at all times.
Common sense and hard work.
-Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)
_
574  To celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary, my wife and I
took a two-night "get-away" trip. Funds were limited, and we could
only eat out one time at a fancy restaurant. My wife asked, "Honey,
do you want to eat out at a nice restaurant tonight or tomorrow
night?"
     I replied, "Tonight. Tomorrow will be your night to eat out."
_
575  Music has the power to form character.
-Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
_
576       An old Russian proverb quoted by Charles Swindoll:
          Give me a child when he is one to three, and I
     must mold him.
          Give me a child from three to five, and I must
     bend him.
          Give me one from six to ten, and I must break
     him.
          But beyond that age, alas, only the grave can
     cure a hunchback.
_
577  Annoyed by the sleeping student, the professor wakes him to
answer the question. Not having heard the question, the quick-
thinking student says, "Professor, I'd really like to know what you
think the answer is."
     "Young man," says the Professor, "I don't think-I know."
     "Oh, well," the student responds, "don't feel bad, 'cause I
don't think I know either."
_
578  A man who was torn between medical school and seminary as his
vocation was given this advice by his professor: Just get as close to Christ
as you can; then do whatever you feel like doing.
-Leadership Magazine
_
579  The preacher brought his car in for repair and said to the
mechanic, "Before you make out the bill, remember I'm just a poor
preacher."
     "I know," said the mechanic, "I heard you preach Sunday."
_
580  Do one's personal ethics have any bearing on one's ability to be a
public servant? Chuck Colson made this insightful comment on one
questionable nomination: If he's been unloyal to his wife, he'll be unloyal
to others.
_
581  Some children were playing church when one of them suggested,
"Let's play Jesus." When they realized it involved being hit, mocked, and
spit on, they said, "Let's go back to playing church."
_
582                      Kindness
     Have you had a kindness shown?
     Pass it on;
     'Twas not given for thee alone,
     Pass it on;
     Let it travel down the years,
     Let it wipe another's tears,
     Till in heaven the deed appears-
     Pass it on."
                         -Henry Burton

_
583  Dr. Joe Harding remembers himself as a puny kid trying to play
football on his high school team-in the days before the face mask. In one
game against the Poplar Bluff Mules, Joe was sitting on the bench as usual
when he was called to go in for an injured player. This created anxiety,
which triggered Joe's asthma. As he wheezed onto the field, the Mules
were making their strategic plans to run the ball around Joe's end. As the
play ensued, the ball carrier and his blocker came Joe's way. Wheezing
and running at the same time, Joe suddenly tripped, fell into the play, and
ended up on the bottom of the pile face to face with the ball carrier. He
began to wheeze into the face of his opponent. When the players were
untangled, his opponent said with a quivering voice, "Keep that ape away
from me!" The name stuck-"Yeah, Joe Harding the Ape!" his teammates
responded. With that little bit of encouragement, Joe went on to receive an
honorable mention award for the football season.
_
584  The guest speaker had just been gloriously introduced when
he stepped to the microphone and with dry wit said, "Now that I
know who I am, I can't wait to hear what I have to say."
_
585  Uncertain of the wisdom behind leaving it all to one's children,
Dr. James Dobson comments, "It takes a steady hand to hold a full
cup."
_
586  The minor league baseball player was complaining to his
friend, "I don't mind being traded. All the big baseball players get
traded. But I was traded for a glove."
_
587  A Russian comedian said that he liked America because here
we give warning shots. He continued, "The people of Russia, like the
people of America, have freedom of speech. But here you have
freedom after you speak!"
_
588  After D. L. Moody preached from Philippians 2:12 ("Work out
your salvation with fear and trembling"), a man approached him saying,
"I'll work out my salvation my own way."
     With wisdom, Moody said, "You can't work out what God hasn't
worked in."
_
589  You may not agree with every department of the government,
but you really have to hand it to the I.R.S.
_
590  W. C. Fields, the famous comedian of another era, lay dying in a
hospital. He was not known to have any religious affiliation or sentiments.
When his friend and drinking companion, John Barrymore, the  famous
actor, came to see Fields in the hospital, he found him reading the Bible.
Barrymore expressed surprise.
     In explanation Fields replied, "When the fellow in the yellow
nightshirt comes, I want all my bets covered."
_
591  A sign in a restaurant read, "Fifty dollars if we don't have what
you want!" One man took the challenge and ordered an elephant-ear sandwich.
"We're gonna have to pay you," said the waitress.
     "Aha!" said the man, "You don't have any elephant ears."
     "No," she responded, "we have plenty of elephant ears. We
just ran out of the big buns to put them on."
_
592  Note the following insightful words from C. S. Lewis: What are we to
make of Jesus Christ? This is a question which has, in a sense, a frant-
ically comic side. For the real question is not what we are to make of
Christ, but what is He to make of us? The picture of a fly sitting, deciding
what it is going to make of an elephant has comic elements about it.
_
593  While preaching a sermon on the story of Cain and Abel, revivalist
Billy Sunday was interrupted by a skeptic in the congregation, "If Adam
and Eve had only sons, then where did Cain's wife come from?" the man
asked. Without flinching Sunday replied, "I honor every seeker of knowledge.
But I have a word of warning for this questioner: 'Don't risk losing salva-
tion by too much inquiring after other men's wives.' "
_
594  A leader believes most people want to accept responsibility; a
"boss" believes most people want to shirk responsibility.
_
595  It's told that D. L. Moody called on a long-winded man to
pray during one revival service. As his prayer dragged on, Moody
approached the pulpit and said, "While our friend catches up on his
praying, we'll sing three stanzas of a hymn."
_
596  A traveling salesman stops at a country store for a soda and
sees three men and a dog playing poker. "Wow! I've never seen such
a smart dog in all my life," says the salesman.
     "He ain't smart," one of the men replies. "Whenever he gets
a real good hand he wags his tail!"
_
597  Sir Fred Hoyle, the famed astronomer, writes the following in his
book, Evolution From Space:
     The speculations of The Origin of Species turned out to be wrong
. . . . It is ironic that the scientific facts threw Darwin out, but leave
William Paley, a figure of fun to the scientific world for more than a
century, still in the tournament with a chance of being the ultimate winner.
. . . If one persists by consulting the geological literature the truth
eventually emerges. The fossil record is highly imperfect from a Darwinian
point of view, not because of the inadequacies of geologists, but because
the slow evolutionary connections required by the theory did not happen.
Although paleontologists have recognized this truth for a century or more,
they have not been able, in spite of their status as acknowledged experts in
the field, to make much of an impression on consensus of opinion . . . we
have received hints and even warnings from friends and colleagues that
our views on these matters are generally repugnant to the scientific world.
We in turn have been disturbed to discover how little attention is generally
paid to fact and how much to myths and prejudice.
_
598  Definition: Migraine-a possessive farmer talking about his
wheat crop.
_
599  The baby is due, and four-year-old Johnny's parents have his
grandmother come to the house to babysit with him. As his parents
leave, Johnny asks them, "If they're going to deliver the baby, why
do you have to go to the hospital?"
_
600  In the 1960's, Dorothy Sarnoff was paid $2,000 a day by the First
National Bank of Chicago to train fourteen of their top executives in public
speaking. The goal of her formula is simply to be able to honestly say to
yourself these four things, as you stand before your audience: I'm glad I'm
here, I'm glad you're here; I know that I know (what I am about to say); I
care about you.
     The public speaker who keeps these in balance will do just fine.
_
601  Different groups have tried different techniques to keep verbose
persons from dominating group discussions. One group allows you to
speak as long as it takes you to wind eight inches of string around your
finger. One South African tribe allows you to speak as long as you can
stand on one foot.
_
602  Every time the father came home from his traveling job, he
found the children picking up the bad habit of crawling into bed with
Mama. "I don't want this to happen anymore. You have to grow up
and learn not to be afraid when Daddy's gone."
     The next business trip took the father out of the country. At
his return he found his wife and children waiting for him at the
airport. Seeing their father in the crowd, the children began running
toward him as one of them yelled proudly, "Daddy, Daddy! No one
slept with Mama this weekend!"
_
603  Most of our decisions are not between the good and the bad
options, but between the good and the best.
_
604  When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could
hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-
one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
-Mark Twain (1835-1910)
_
605       GOD, THOU ART LOVE

If I forget,
     Yet God remembers! If these hands of mine
Cease from their clinging, yet the hands divine
     Hold me so firmly that I cannot fall;
And if sometimes I am too tired to call
     For Him to help me, then He reads the prayer
Unspoken in my heart, and lifts my care,
I dare not fear, since certainly I know
     Than I am in God's keeping shielded so
From all that else would harm, and in the hour
     Of stern temptation strengthened by His power;
I tread no path in life to Him unknown;
     I lift no burden, bear no pain, alone;
My soul a calm, sure hiding-place has found:
     The everlasting arms my life surround.
God, Thou art love! I build my faith on that.
     I know Thee who has kept my path, and made
Light for me in the darkness, tempering sorrow
     So that it reached me like a solemn joy;
It were too strange that I should doubt Thy love.
     Amen.
-Robert Browning (1812-1889)

_
606  A little boy was eyeing the apple tree across the fence when
the farmer came up and asked, "Little boy, are you trying to steal
those apples?"
     "No," he said, "I'm trying not to."
_
607  When two citizens drowned in the Chattahoochee River, 200 or
more townspeople walked out onto the wooden bridge searching for the
bodies. The next day, the very same bridge collapsed into the water under
its own weight. We readily ask, "Why did the two drown? Why is there
evil?" We seldom ask, "Why were the 200 spared? Why is there good?"
_
608  Man is what he believes.
-Anton P. Chekhov, Russian Author, (1860-1904)
_
609  On June 18, 1940, as France fell and Britain stood alone, the
Prime Minister (Winston Churchill) spoke to the nation: "Upon this battle
depends the survival of Christian civilization. Upon it depends our own
British life, and the long continuity of our institutions and our empire....
Hitler knows that he will have to break us on this island or lose the war.
If we stand up to him all Europeans will be free and the life of the world
may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands. But if we fail, then the whole
world . . . will sink into the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister,
and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted science. Let us
therefore brace ourselves for our duties, and so bear ourselves that if the
British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will
still say: 'This was their finest hour.' "
(Quoted in Against the Night, by Chuck Colson)
_
610  After the country preacher closed the funeral, he spoke these
words, "Mose, we sure hopes you is going to the place where we specs
you ain't."
_
611  It has been reported that recycling rates have increased. They
are now giving 25 cents for a can, 50 cents for a hubcap, and one
dollar for a Yugo car.
_
612  One pastor, taking from Thomas Huxley, said to a group of high
school students that they would know they were mature when they could
do what needed to be done, when it needed to be done, whether they felt
like it or not. "It is the first lesson," said Huxley, "which ought to be
learned."
_
613  Little Johnny was so proud of the Bible verse he had learned
he couldn't wait to tell his mother. With nervous excitement he
recited, "A lie is an abomination to the Lord, but a very present help
in times of trouble."
_
614  Author Frank Piretti was asked in an interview concerning his
claims about Christ, "How do I know what you're saying is true?" As with
most of us, the proper response came to him later: There is no way for
you to know, unless first you know the truth. Also, there is no way for you
to know what the truth is, unless there is a 'truth' to be known.
_
615  Executive Brooks of Sunkist Orange, commented on the success
of his company: I made sure I surrounded myself with those who knew
more than I did.
_
616  The phrase "wall of separation" (referring to separation of Church
and State), is not found in the Constitution of the United States. It is
found in a letter written by Thomas Jefferson several years after the writ-
ing of the Constitution-and, in the Russian Constitution which reads, "...the
Church in the USSR shall be separated from the State and the School from
the Church...."
_
617  Little Susie had been told that the stork had brought her
grandmother, her mother, and her. She began a school essay with
these words, "There hasn't been a normal birth in our family in three
generations."
_
618  A thoughtful husband left this kind note in the pocket of the car
attached to the insurance papers: "Remember, it's you I love, not the car."
_
619  Little Johnny wanted a baby brother so badly that he prayed
for one each night before going to bed. He finally gave up and
stopped praying. Three months later his father took him to the
hospital and showed him his new twin brothers.
     "Oh Dad," he exclaimed, "It's a good thing I stopped
praying when I did!"
_
620  G.K. Chesterton rightly observed that the doctrine of original
sin is the one philosophical concept that is empirically validated by
3,500 years of human history.
_
621  A man in desperate need of a job went to the local zoo
looking for work. "We don't have any desk jobs, but our gorilla has
been sick, and we need someone to dress in a gorilla suit and play his
part. We'll be having a big crowd this weekend."
     "I'll take it," said the man. That weekend he was swinging
around in the suit making gorilla noises as the crowd looked on.
Suddenly, without warning, his sweaty hands slipped from the bar,
sending him up into the air, over the wall and into the lion's den.
Immediately the lion pounced on the intruder. He began to scream
out, "Help! Help!"
     With that the lion grabbed him by the neck and said, "If you
don't shut up, buddy, we'll both lose our jobs!"
_
622  The doctor expressed his sympathy to the wounded soldier, "I'm
sorry you lost your arm in battle."     With a positive spirit the man
replied, "I didn't lose it, I gave it."
_
623  Atheist Madelyn Murray O'Hair once said, "I want to be able to
walk down any street in America and not see a cross or any other sign of
religion."
_
624  Senator Mark Hatfield once wrote: For the Christian man to
reason that God does not want him in politics because there are too many
evil men in government is as insensitive as for a Christian doctor to turn
his back on an epidemic because there are too many germs there . . . for
the Christian to say he will not enter politics because he might lose his
faith is the same as for a physician to say that he will not heal men because
he might catch their disease.
_
625  The Law of Entropy, or the Second Law of Thermodynamics,
drives a death-nail into the theories of evolution and is referred to by
Albert Einstein as the "premier law of science." Simply stated, the Law
says that anything that is organized will, with time, become disorganized.
_
626  A cyclone picked up the house of a busy couple and moved it
a block away. The wife began to cry.
     "Are you scared?" asked her husband.
     "No," she said.
     "Are you hurt?" he asked again.
     "No," she replied.
     "Well why are you crying?"
     "Because," she sniffled, "this is the first time we've been
anywhere together in fifteen years."
_
627  An old car pulls up to a toll gate. "Fifty cents," says the toll-
collector.
     "Sold," says the driver.
_
628  The granddaughter showed up at her deceased grandmother's
house with a U-Haul truck. She threw things at random into cardboard
boxes saying, "I'll go through this stuff later." It is sad to go through
life and be forced to realize at its end that all you've accomplished can be
put into a cardboard box for your relatives to rummage through. "Store up
treasure in heaven," says Jesus.
_
629  In one Frank and Earnest cartoon, Frank has just been run
over by the defense on the football field. Ernest says, "You can learn
a lot from sports."
     "Yeah," says Frank. "If it wasn't for that defensive
linebacker, I wouldn't have known that my knee would bend the
other way."
_
630  A liberal theologian spoke of his theological position saying, "I'm
not afraid of the Devil."
     "That is not what really matters," said a friend. "The important
question is this: Is the Devil afraid of you?"
_
631  "Just doing without here in America will not feed the poor," said
a reformed idealist. "We must do something-it takes work to make food
and distribute it."
_
632  A little girl concluded her prayer saying,"and now God, what can I
do for you?"-Do we give God instructions or do we report for duty?
_
633  The tourist stopped in front of the courthouse looking at the statue
of a man on horseback he did not recognize. He politely asked the tobacco-
chewing policeman leaning against the building, "Whose statue is that?"
     "Ours," came the reply.
_
634  After the wedding, the timid bride said to her new husband,
"Let's act like we've been married a long time."
     "Okay," he said, "you carry the suitcases."
_
635  An old retired Marine sergeant described his life and language as
rough and tough, "Until," he said, "I got cancer. It humbled me. Now I am
not ashamed to say that I love Jesus and that I love my wife and family
more than ever. I only regret changing so late in life and putting my family
through some terrible years."
_
636  What you're doing is so loud, I can't hear what you're
saying-actions speak louder than words.
_
637  One Sunday, the new preacher visited the elementary Sunday
School class. "Johnny," he asked, "who brought down the walls of
Jericho?"           "I don't know," came the reply, "but I didn't
do it."
     After class the preacher went to the Sunday School
superintendent and complained about the terrible Biblical illiteracy
among the children. "I asked Johnny to tell me who brought down
the walls of Jericho, and he said he didn't do it!"
     "Well," said the superintendent, "I'm sure he didn't-but if he
did, we have the money to pay for it!"
_
638  Once the renowned artist, Degas, witnessed one of his paintings
sold at auction for $100,000. Asked how he felt, he said, "I feel as a horse
must feel when the beautiful cup is given to the jockey."
-Peter's Quotations
_
639  When I begin to feel depressed, I withdraw a lot . . . then I
spend it all at the mall.
_
640  A man walks into his boss's office on Monday morning,
smiling from ear to ear. Without a word he begins to dump trash all
over the boss's desk, empty the file cabinets, and turn over the chairs.
"I suppose," says the boss, "this means you won the Florida lottery."
_
641  To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy, a whole
heart, and a free mind.
-Pearl S. Buck (1892-1973)
_
642  In an antique shop with items from the Revolutionary period, a
man saw a sign that had hung above a store referring to the King of
England, "We Serve No Sovereign Here." Too many have this sign over
their hearts referring to Christ the Lord.
_
643  There are four things impossible to do:
        -Tell a bald man a hair-raising story.
        -Climb a fence leaning toward you.
        -Kiss a girl leaning away from you.
        -Live up to an introduction.
_
644  "The best view of Atlanta," said one man, disgusted with the
traffic, "is in the rear view mirror."
_
645  Jesus never wrote a book, but no library in the world could hold
the volume of books that have been written about Him. He never went to
a Medical College, but He has healed multitudes, without medicine and
making no charges for His services. He never was a chef, but He fed over
5,000 people with only five loaves and two fishes, and had twelve
basketsfull left over. He never was a mortician, but He raised at least three
people from the dead while He was on earth. He arose from the dead
Himself, and the hour is coming when all that are in the graves shall hear
His voice and shall come forth; they that have done good unto the
resurrection of life; and they that have done evil unto the resurrection of
damnation (John 5:28-29). Jesus never did marshall an army, draft a
soldier, or fire a gun, but no military leader ever had more followers give
him such love and devotion, and voluntarily lay down their lives for his
cause. Jesus never became rich in this world's goods. (He was even buried
in a borrowed tomb). However, He owns all the gold and silver in this
world, and the cattle on a thousand hills are His, all things having been
created by Him. He left His riches in heaven and became poor, that we
through His poverty might be made rich.
     The Son of God put on humanity that sons of men might put on
divinity. The Son of God became the Son of Man, that men might become
sons of God. The Son of God came from heaven to earth that sons of men
might go from earth to heaven. The Son of God suffered, bled and died on
a cross that sons of men might live; that they might not perish but have
everlasting life. What a wonderful Christ! What a wonderful Savior!
     It is an absolute truth when I say that all the armies that have ever
marched, that all the navies that have ever been built, and all the
Parliaments and Congresses that have ever sat, and all the judges who
have ever judged, and all the statesmen who have ever spoken, and all the
kings who have ever reigned; all of them put together, have not affected
the life of man upon the earth as powerfully as Jesus Christ the Son of
God; our Lord and our Savior, our soon-coming King of Kings and Lord
of Lords.
_
646  I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything
else.
-Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
_
647  The B.C. comic strip had this definition for "Bereft"-To miss
the last plane out of Tokyo.
_
648  The narrow way that leads to life, . . . is not over at the edge,
separated by distance from the broad way, but is right smack in the
middle of the broad way, just headed in the other direction.
-Howard Skinner
_
649  A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus
said wouldn't be a great moral teacher. He'd either be a lunatic-on a level
with the man who says he's a poached egg-or else he'd be the Devil of
hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of
God, or else a mad-man or something worse. You can shut Him up for a
fool, you can spit at and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet
and call Him Lord and God. But don't let us come with any patronizing
nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He hasn't left that open
to us. He did not intend to.
-C. S. Lewis
_
650  The plumber came to fix a leak in the lawyer's house. It took
him two hours. When he handed the bill to the lawyer, he got this
complaint, "Hey, this is for $280. That's $140 an hour. I'm a lawyer,
and I only charge $100 an hour."
     "Well," said the plumber, "I used to charge $100 an hour
when I was a lawyer."
_
651  After receiving their college degrees, some students are just as
smart as they can be-- unfortunately.
_
652  The world-famous authority on the Talmud, Rabbi Adin
Steinsaltz, writes about God in Life  magazine (December 1990): I cannot
say that I never rejected God. Indeed, there were years when I took no
interest, and this is the greatest rejection, much more than hostility or
lack of faith. But the world becomes too limited, too stupid without Him. A
person has the right-maybe even the duty-to converse with God, to ask for
things, and to come to Him with grievances. To say, "You're unjust!" This
is the right every child has, to come, and to complain to Him; but it is
impossible to judge Him. It is funny, sometimes tragic, that a person who
can't even understand a simple mathematical equation-wants to understand
the Almighty and judge Him.
_
653  If all the people who slept in church were laid end to end,
they would be more comfortable.
_
654  You can't take it with you, but you can send it on ahead.
_
655  The confession, "I'm a practical man," could mean-"I'm
without vision and I'm without faith."
_
656  Two prisoners in a cell: One looked out and saw the bars, one
looked out and saw the stars.
_
657  In her book, Women and the New Race, Margaret Sanger (founder
of Planned Parenthood) asserted that "the most merciful thing a large
family can do to one of its infant members is to kill it." The current
president of Planned Parenthood, Faye Wattleton, has claimed that she is
proud to be "walking in the footsteps" of Margaret Sanger.
     Planned Parenthood's pose as a champion of the under-privileged
is a cruel hoax foisted on the uninformed and unsuspecting.
     The truth is, Planned Parenthood appears to want to eliminate the
poor, not serve them. Animosity toward the weak and lowly has been its
hallmark from its earliest days. In fact, its entire program of family
limitation was designed to foster an elitist program against the
underclasses.
     In 1922, Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood, chided
social workers, philanthropists, and churchmen for perpetuating the
"cruelty of charity." She argued that organized attempts to help the poor
were the "surest sign that our civilization has bred, is breeding, and is
perpetuating constantly increasing numbers of defectives, delinquents, and
dependents." She went on to write that the most "insidiously injurious
philanthropy" was the maternity care given to poor women. She concluded
her diatribe by describing all those who refused to see the necessity of
severely regulating the fertility of the working class as "benign imbeciles,
who encourage the defective and diseased elements of humanity in their
reckless and irresponsible swarming and spawning."
     Her alternative to charity was to "eliminate the stocks" that she felt
were most detrimental "to the future and the race and the world." To that
end, Planned Parenthood has always targeted minorities, the unwanted,
and the disadvantaged for family limitation, contraception, abortion, and
sterilization. "More children from the fit, less from the unfit," Sanger
pined, "that is the chief issue of birth control."
-From Grand Illusions, by George Grant
_
658  A high-priced lawyer, a low-priced lawyer, and the tooth fairy
are sitting in a room. A one hundred dollar bill has been placed on a
table. The lights suddenly go out. When they come back on, the bill
is missing. Who took it?
     The high-priced lawyer, of course. The other two are only
figments of the imagination.
_
659  The speaker edified, electrified, but never specified.
_
660  I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen, not only
because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
-From The Weight of Glory, by C. S. Lewis
_
661  The hearse began its grievous journey many thousand years ago,
as a litter made of saplings.
     Litter, sled, wagon, Cadillac: the conveyance has changed, but the
corpse it carries is the same. Birth and death enclose man in a sort of
parenthesis of the present. And the brackets at the beginning and end of
life are still impenetrable.
     This frustrates us, especially in a time of scientific breakthrough
and exploding knowledge, that we should be able to break out of earth's
environment and yet be stopped cold by death's unyielding mystery.
Electroencephalogram may replace mirror held before the mouth,
autopsies may become more sophisticated, cosmetic embalming may take
the place of pennies on the eyelids and canvas shrouds, but death
continues to confront us with its blank wall. Everything changes; death is
changeless.
     We may postpone it, we may tame its violence, but death is still
there waiting for us.
     Death always waits. The door of the hearse is never closed.
-From The Last Thing We Talk About,
by Joseph Bayly
_
662  The tenor of most American preaching is this: Please let me
suggest to you that you try to be good.
-Martin Marty
_
663  Have you ever considered the changes that have taken place in
those parts of the world where the Christian message has gone? Let us
consider four world maps:
     On the first, mark areas of short life expectancy, low sanitary
conditions, low literacy, few or no hospitals, no women's suffrage, little
concern for children and very little value placed upon human life.
     On the second, mark the areas where the Christian message has
not been taken or has not been received. Notice that the same areas of the
world have been pictured on each map.
     Now, on the third, mark those areas where a higher standard of
living exists, a greater value is placed on human life, and where schools,
hospitals and other similar institutions abound for the benefit of all.
     Finally, mark a fourth map where the Gospel of Jesus Christ has
gone, been received and practiced. What do maps three and four tell us?
     "O come Desire of nations. . . ." (Haggai 2:7)
_
664  It still bothers some people that we cannot prove scientifically
that God exists. Must we light a candle to see the sun?
-Wernher Von Braun,
American Space Scientist (1912-1977)
_
665  They met in a travel agency. She was looking for a vacation
and he was the last resort.
_
666  In his book, Grand Illusions, a well-documented expose on the
horrid practices of Planned Parenthood, author George Grant exalts the
Bible as God's standard:
     The Bible is God's own revelation of wisdom, knowledge,
understanding, and truth. It is not simply a marvelous collection of quaint
sayings and inspiring stories. It is God's message to man. It is God's
instruction. It is God's direction. It is God's guideline, His plumb line,
and His bottom line.
     All those who in faith have gone on before us-forefathers, fathers,
patriarchs, prophets, apostles, preachers, evangelists, martyrs, confessors,
ascetics, and every righteous spirit made pure in Christ-have always looked
to the Bible as the blueprint for living. They have always taken it seri-
ously, studying it, applying it, and obeying it. That is because they have
comprehended the reality that from Genesis to Revelation the Bible isindeed
God's Word. And that God's Word is hope for the hopeless, helpfor the help-
less, salve for the sick, balm for the broken, and strength forthe stricken.
It is the cure.
_
667  Little Johnny came home after school and showed his father the "F"
on his spelling test."Dad," he asked, "is this because of my heredity or my
environment?"
_
668  The United Methodist machinery is the marvelous system that
allows 10 church members to do the work of one.
_
669  He seldom makes the same mistake twice-it's usually 3 or 4 times.
_
670  More harm has been done to the Church by termites on the
inside than by woodpeckers on the outside.
-Vance Havner
_
671  Three men had been rigorously trained at an evangelism seminar
on how to lead someone to Christ, using the four spiritual laws. After
knocking on the door of the house, they heard a voice saying, "Come in.
What do you want?" As they eased through the screen door, they realized
that the voice was coming from behind a closed door. They briefly
explained their visit and the literature they were distributing. "Slide it
under the door," said the man. A few minutes of conversation went by, when
one of the three men asked, "Do you want to pray the sinner's prayer and
accept Christ into your life?" "Yes," said the man. When they had finished
praying, the door opened and out came an elderly man who had been sitting
on the toilet. As they left, one of the men observed, "How about that - a
person can accept Christ anywhere."
_
672  Boris Kornfeld was a Russian Jew, a medical doctor, and a
Christian. In the vast obscenity of the gulag where he was a political
prisoner, he came to know Jesus as his Savior.
     One night Dr. Kornfeld shared the good news of the Gospel with a
fellow prisoner, a man with advanced cancer. Later that same night the
doctor was murdered by a cruel guard whom the Doctor had reported for
stealing bread intended for the desperately ill pellagra patients. The tiny
little light that had shown in the vast darkness of the prison camp had been
extinguished-or so the guard thought. But the cancer patient lived and he,
too, became a Christian! His name is Alexander Solzhenitsyn, considered
by many to be the foremost writer of this century.
-From Discovering John, Guideposts Home Bible Study
_
673  Lord I am willing to receive what you give.
     Lord I am willing to lack what you withhold.
     Lord I am willing to relinquish what you take.
     Lord I am willing to suffer what you inflict.
     Lord I am willing to be what you require.
     Yes, Lord I am willing to accept Thy will instead of my own.
-From tape entitled, "The Desert-Where Man Meets God on God's Terms,"
by Bob Bostrom
_
674  A man was duck-hunting when the game warden came up to check his
hunting license. Since he had no license, the warden asked for his gun and
stuck him with a fine. "I don't have a gun," said the man.
     "Well then, how have you been killing these ducks?" asked
the warden.
     "I ugly them to death. When a duck flies over I stick my ugly
face out from behind the blind and they fall down dead," the man
explained.
     After a demonstration to the bewildered warden, the warden
asked, "How long have you been doing this?"
     "Oh, about fifteen years. I used to bring my wife, but she
would mess up the meat too badly."
_
675  When God calls you to be a missionary, don't stoop to be a king.
-Charles H. Spurgeon (1834-1892)
_
676  I simply argue that the cross be raised again at the center of the
marketplace as well as on the steeple of the church. I am recovering the
claim that Jesus was not crucified in a cathedral between two candles, but
on a cross between two thieves; on the town garbage heap; at a crossroad
so cosmopolitan that they had to write his title in Hebrew and in Latin and
in Greek; . . . at the kind of place where cynics talk smut, and thieves
curse, and soldiers gamble. Because that is where he died. And that is
what he died about. And that is where churchmen ought to be, and what
churchmen should be about.
-George McLeod
_
677  During his 1960 presidential campaign, John F. Kennedy often
closed his speeches with the story of Colonel Davenport, the Speaker of
the Connecticut House of Representatives.
     One day in 1789, the sky of Hartford darkened ominously, and
some of the representatives, glancing out the windows, feared the end was
at hand.
     Quelling a clamor for immediate adjournment, Davenport rose and
said, "The Day of Judgment is either approaching or it is not. If it is not,
there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I choose to be found doing my
duty. Therefore, I wish that candles be brought."
-Leadership Magazine
_
678  To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart
will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of
keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an
animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all
entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, aimless-it will change. It will
not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
-From The Four Loves, by C. S. Lewis
_
679  After church, where she had been taught about the Second
Coming, a little girl was quizzing her mother. "Mommy, do you
believe Jesus will come back?"
           "Yes."
     "Could he come this week?"
           "Yes."
           "Today?"
           "Yes."
           "Could he come in the next hour?"
           "Yes."
           "In a few minutes?"
           "Yes, dear."
           "Mommy, would you comb my hair?"
-Leadership Magazine
_
680  After the glowing introduction, the speaker came to the
microphone and said, "I hope God will forgive you for all those
wonderful words of welcome-and if He can forgive you, maybe He
can forgive me for enjoying them so much."
_
681  Charles Spurgeon once said that three things will surprise him
when he gets to heaven: to see that some  he thought would make it,
didn't; to see that some he thought wouldn't make it, did; and to see
himself there.
_
682  The story is told of the father of two sons-one, an extreme
optimist, the other, an extreme pessimist. He decided to temper their
outlooks on life at Christmas.
           For the pessimist he bought a room full of toys-for the
optimist he filled the garage with manure. On Christmas day he
found his pessimist son crying in his room full of toys, "I can't play
with my toys. I'm afraid I'll break them."
     Realizing that his strategy didn't work on his pessimist son,
he went to the garage and found his optimist son smiling and digging
in the manure. "What are you doing, son?" he asked.
     "Oh Daddy!-I just know there's a pony in here somewhere!"
_
683  In his book, Fumblerules, William Safire writes a few
grammar rules with humor:
     -Don't use no double negatives.
     -Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
     -Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
     -Take the bull by the hand, and don't mix
               metaphors.
     -Last but not least, avoid cliches like the
               plague.
_
684  In his book, Written in Blood, Robert Coleman tells the story of a
little boy whose sister needed a blood transfusion. The doctor explained
that she had the same disease the boy had recovered from two years
earlier. Her only chance for recovery was a transfusion from someone
who had previously conquered the disease. Since the two children had the
same rare blood type, the boy was the ideal donor.
     "Would you give your blood to Mary?" the doctor asked.
     Johnny hesitated. His lower lip started to tremble. Then he smiled
and said, "Sure, for my sister."
     Soon the two children were wheeled into the hospital room-Mary,
pale and thin, Johnny, robust and healthy. Neither spoke, but when their
eyes met, Johnny grinned.
     As the nurse inserted the needle into his arm, Johnny's smile
faded. He watched the blood flow through the tube.
     With the ordeal almost over, his voice, slightly shaky, broke the
silence. "Doctor, when do I die?"
     Only then did the doctor realize why Johnny had hesitated, why his lip
had trembled when he'd agreed to donate his blood. He'd thought giving his
blood to his sister meant giving up his life. In that brief moment, he'd made
his great decision.
-Leadership Magazine
_
685  One United Methodist Bishop shared this insight:
     If we take for granted that infant baptism is the norm, we have
forgotten that the world is our parish. It may be the norm for us in the
Church, but it is not the norm for the world.
_
686  A cheap lawyer will let you go to jail-a cheap preacher will let
you go to hell.
_
687  When St. Augustine was asked, "What is the first thing in
religion?" he replied, "Humility."
     "And what is the second?"
     He again replied, "Humility."
     "And what is the third?"
     "Humility," came his reply.
_
688  Carl Sandburg was asked by a friend to attend the opening
performance of his play. At the end of the play, the audience left
while Sandburg was fast asleep on the front row. After waking
Sandburg, the young man complained, "I invited you to come and
see my play and give me your opinion, but you fell asleep."
     "Young man," said Sandburg, "sleep is an opinion."
_
689    D. L. Moody said, "God has not told me to reform the whole
world. The world is like a sinking ship which cannot be kept from going
down. But God has given me a life boat and said, 'Moody, save everyone
off that ship you can.' Our chief task is to save everyone we can."
_
690  Our ability to see is influenced largely by what we have been
trained to look for. A doctor will see more by looking down the throat of a
sick child than any parent could. An artist will appreciate a tour through a
gallery much more than someone without those sensibilities. A seamstress
will appreciate a finely tailored outfit much more than someone whose
eyes have not been trained to notice such subtleties of style and precision.
     So, too, if our eyes are trained to see God's hand in our
circumstances, then each pressure indenting the clay of our lives will be
seen not to bend us out of shape but to mold us into vessels of honor-fit
for a king.
-From Following Christ . . . The Man of God,
 by Charles R. Swindoll
_
691  Mark Twain wrote of Huck Finn's or Tom Sawyer's
commentary after a fight: "Thrusting my nose firmly between his
teeth, I threw him heavily to the ground on top of me."
_
692  When the Dallas Cowboys plunged into their losing streak,
Lewis Grizzard observed, "The Atlanta Falcons are finally as good as
the Cowboys."
     The story is told of the man inviting his friend to watch the
Cowboys play. When the Cowboys kicked a field goal, the man's dog
jumped up and yelped, turning a flip in the air. "That is amazing!"
said the friend. "Does he always do that after Dallas kicks a field
goal?"
     "Every time." came the reply."
     "Well," asked the friend, "What does he do when they score
a touchdown?"
     "I don't know," the man said, "I've only had him two years."
_
693  We can't just be concerned with crime in the streets, we must be
concerned with crime in the suites (corporate crime).
-Ralph Nader, Consumer Advocate
_
694  There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can
fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is
to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them.
-From The Screwtape Letters, by C. S. Lewis
_
695  "The Gift of the Magi," by O. Henry, became a classic Christmas
story:
     As Christmas approaches, Della and Jim, a young couple struggling to
make ends meet, are faced with the dilemma of finding theperfect gifts for
each other. Neither has money to spare. Della's crowning glory is her beaut-
iful hair which cascades almost to her ankles. Jim's prized possession is a
lovely, gold pocket watch that had been his father's and grandfather's.
     Della tearfully surrenders her wavy locks to a wig-maker's shears.
With the $20 she receives for her hair and the $1.87 she's scrimped and
saved, she buys Jim an elegant platinum chain for his watch.
     For months Della had admired a set of pure tortoise-shell combs
with jeweled rims for her hair.
     Jim sells his watch and with the money, buys the combs for his
beloved Della.
     On Christmas Eve, Jim unwraps the chain for a watch he no
longer owns, and Della unwraps the combs for her now-shorn hair.
     "The Magi, as you know, were wise men - wonderfully wise men-who
brought gifts to the Babe in the manger," O. Henry wrote. "They invented the
art of giving Christmas presents.... And here I have lamely related to you
the uneventful story of two foolish children in an apartment who most unwise-
ly sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house.
     "But in a last word to the wise of these days, let it be said that of
all who give gifts, these two were the wisest, for theirs were the gifts of
love.
     "Everywhere they are the wisest. They are the magi."
-From United Methodist Communications, Fall 1990
_
696  It has been said that people buy things they don't need, with
money they don't have, to impress people they don't like.
_
697  If you never allow a child to want something, he never enjoys the
pleasure of receiving it. If you buy him a tricycle before he can walk, and
a bicycle before he can ride, and a car before he can drive, he accepts
these gifts with little pleasure and less appreciation.
     How unfortunate that such a child never had the chance to long
for something, dreaming about it at night and plotting for it by day. He
might have even gotten desperate enough to work for it. The same
possession that brought a yawn could have been a trophy and a treasure.
-Dr. James Dobson
_
698  The Apache Indian, like economists today, couldn't tell heads
from tails. He had the darndest collection of scalps you've ever seen.
_
699  A man gave his wife $100 for golf lessons, and went on a
business trip. When he came home that weekend he heard her talking
on the phone: "My score was 72 and I didn't even lose a ball."
     When she hung up the phone, her amazed husband said, "Did
I hear you say that your score was 72 and you didn't lose a ball?"
     "Yes," she said.
     "Honey, that is fantastic golf!" he exclaimed.
     "Oh," she said, "I was talking about bowling."

_
700  There's one thing worse than having too little, too late-that's
having too much, too soon.
_
701  When the white people came to Africa, they took our land and
gave us Bibles-we got the better deal.
-Desmond Tutu (Quoted in Against the Night,
 by Chuck Colson)
_
702                 THE FOSTER CHILD

     Blest be the ties; the bonds of love
     Held in trust for a season or so.
     Eternal still as the stars above
     My treasure pure, for the children go.
     With me remains a part of them
     With them goes a part of me.
     Sharing my moments, I found a gem-
     A jewel from the crown of eternity
     Pure as the depth of an infant's eyes
     Like a rainbow in the clearing skies
     Unspeakable beauty; designed and styled
     By my God, who was once a foster child.
-Lee Simonson
_
703  No man can at one and the same time prove that he is clever and
that Christ is wonderful . . . .
-James Denney
_
704  The 100-year-old man was being interviewed when the
reporter commented, "You've lived a long time and you've seen a lot
of changes."
     "Yes, I have," said the man, "and I was against every one of
them."
_
705  A number of materialistic thinkers have ascribed to blind
evolution more miracles, more improbable coincidences and wonders,
than all the theologians could ever devise.
-Isaac Bashevis Singer
_
706  The Bible records God making people in five different ways:

     -With the union of man and woman
     -Without either, when he created Adam
     -Without the woman, when he created Eve
     -Without sexual potency, when he blessed Abraham and Sarah
with Isaac
     -Without the man, when Christ was born of a virgin.
_
707  One rental service company has a shotgun on the wall behind
the cash register. A sign below it reads, "Shotgun-one dollar per
wedding."
_
708  The great missionary to India, E. Stanley Jones, once said about
his theology that on the circumference he was flexible, but at the center he
was firm, fixed and stable.
_
709  The preacher went to visit a church member in the nursing
home. As they talked, he noticed a bowl of peanuts beside the bed
and began to eat them. As he began to leave, he noticed that he had
eaten all of the peanuts. Embarrassed, he said, "I'm sorry. I've eaten
all your peanuts."
     "Oh, that's all right," the woman said. "I had already licked
the chocolate off of them."
_
710  After months of languishing in a German prison, Martin Niemoller
was released, and he expressed these words, "It took me a long time to
learn that God is not the enemy of His enemies."
_
711  Pollster George Gallup says that many born-again Christians are
practicing a religion that's comfortable but not challenging. "That's the
central weakness of Christianity in this country today."
-From an interview in Christianity Today,
Nov. 17, 1989.
_
712  Maybe we're getting more like the elderly couple who had a
little problem remembering. Watching TV one night, he said to his
wife, "Honey, would you get me some ice cream? I want chocolate on
it with nuts sprinkled on top. Can you remember that? Maybe you'd
better write it down."
     "Aw," she replied, "I don't need to write it down. I can
remember that." She took off for the kitchen and stayed a long time.
Finally she returned with some eggs and bacon.
     "See! I told you to write it down," he scolded, "you forgot
the toast!"
_
713  A confused man walks down the road dragging a rope and
says to himself, "I'm so confused. I don't know if I found a rope, or
lost a mule."
_
714  The story is told that Arnold Palmer met a blind golfer and
discussed playing a round with him. "How many strokes should I
give you?" asked Arnold. "We'll play even," said the man. "Even?
Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. Of course, now-we will be playing at
night."
_
715  Definition: Walk-what our parents always did to school
farther than everyone else, through more snow, up more hills, in
flimsier shoes, with a greater sense of gratitude.
_
716  Everyone thought the junk dealer a fool for buying over a ton of
old switches at an auction. The junk dealer, and no one else, knew that the
switches had gold contacts. Removing them yielded a fortune.     -God
sees worth in us that no one else can see.
_
717  Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing
older and will some day be old. Keep me from getting talkative, and
particularly from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every
subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to try to straighten
out everybody's affairs. I ask for grace    enough to listen tothe tales of
others' pains; help me to endure them with patience. But seal my lips on my
own aches and pains-they are increasing, and my love ofrehearsing them is
becoming sweeter as the years go by. Teach me the glorious lesson that occas-
sionally it is possible that I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet. I
do not want to be a so-called "saint"-some of themare so hard to live with-
but a sour old man or woman is one of the crowning works of the devil. Make
me thoughtful, but not moody; helpful,but not bossy. With my vast store of
wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all; but Thou knowest, Lord, that I
want a few friends at the end.
-Anonymous
_
718  Back when pop singer Michael Jackson wore only one glove
on his hand, the Atlanta Braves were playing lousy baseball. One
sports reporter asked the question, "What do the Braves and Michael
Jackson have in common?" The answer: "Both wear one glove for
no apparent reason."
_
719  When it comes to drinking alcohol, watching movies filled with sex
and violence, or subjecting ourselves to any ungodly influence, the
question is not, "Does it affect me?"-but, "What does God think? Would
He be watching this or doing this?"
_
720  After working on the household budget, the man turns to his
wife and says, "Well, there it is in black and white-we're in the red."
_
721  The hunter was describing how he had bravely chopped off
the tail of a lion in the jungle. "Why didn't you chop off his head?"
asked the skeptic. "Because," he replied, "someone else had already
done that."
_
722  A recent United Press survey found that "the typical American" is a
27-year-old who does not read one book a year. He is materialistic,satisfied
with small pleasures, bored with theological disputations. Although he may
attend church 27 times a year, he is not interested in the supernatural. He
is concerned with neither heaven nor hell. In fact, he has no interest what-
ever in immortality. His principal interests are football,hunting, fishing,
and car tinkering.
_
723  On the way to Sunday School, the father decided to put little
Johnny to the test. Giving him a quarter and a nickel he told Johnny
to keep one and put the other in the offering. After church the father
found that Johnny had put the nickel in the offering. He gave this
explanation: "Dad, God loves a cheerful giver, and I found that I
could give the nickel more cheerfully than the quarter!"
_
724  As the preacher was making last minute adjustments on his
sermon notes, he came to one paragraph and wrote this note in the
margin: "Argument weak here, pound the pulpit."
_
725  Two women are talking, and one says to the other, "Shhh.
Here comes the old gossip now. I'll tell you more about her later."
_
726  A farmer came home late one night, and his wife was
concerned because supper had gotten cold. He gave this explanation,
"Well, I was driving the mules home and I had to pick up the
preacher. From then on those mules didn't understand one word I
said."
_
727  While writing her Christmas cards late in the Christmas
season, a woman realized she was short 20 cards. Rushing to the
store, she bought a pack of 24 and frantically addressed them to her
friends. After dropping them in the mailbox, she sat down for some
eggnog and decided to read the message of the cards she had just
bought and mailed. It read, "This card is just to say, a little gift is on
the way!"
_
728  A Frank and Earnest cartoon has a man awaiting his eternal
fate, sheepishly standing before St. Peter. St. Peter tries to ease the
bad news by saying, "Mr. Bemis, are you familiar with the expression
'Close, but no cigar?' "
_
729  At the gossip fence, one man leaves for supper. "Wait!" says
his neighbor, "Tell me more."
     "Well," he replies, "I've already told you more than I know."
_
730  A teacher showed a picture of Jesus to her students and asked
them to draw a picture of Jesus in their lives. All began to draw except one
little boy who said, "That picture shows Jesus to be a lot bigger than me-if
I draw a picture of Jesus in me, He'll stick out all over the place." May
Christ be seen in me, "sticking out all over the place."
_
731  A Romanian pastor was asked to conduct a wedding
ceremony in America. Translating as he read from his Romanian
Bible, he ended the service with Genesis 1:24, saying, "And the two
shall become one beef." He was quickly corrected, "I mean, one
flesh."
_
732  Man: Preacher, I don't go to church because of all the
hypocrites.
     Preacher: Well, I'm sure we have room for one more.
_
733  As her husband leaves to play golf, the wife yells out the
door, "Take little Billy with you. He likes to play in the sand, too!"
_
734  An Indian Chief wanted to send a love message to his
girlfriend in the valley. While he and his companion were preparing
the fire for the smoke signals, an atomic bomb was tested nearby.
"Boy!" said the chief, observing the cloud, "I wish I'd said that!"
_
735  One day some children were play-acting a wedding ceremony.
When the time came to pronounce the couple man and wife, this
phrase came out instead: "Father, forgive them for they know not
what they do."
_
736  I always make sure to put in a full 40 hours of hard work.
Next year I may try for 45.
_
737  A woman called the credit manager of a department store and
said, "I'm having problems with your easy payment plan-do you
have an easier one?"
_
738  I've never heard a sermon from which I didn't get at least
something out of it. However, I have had some mighty close calls.
                         -Dr. Pierce Harris
_
739  A National Public Radio program gave three ways to create music
appreciation in children. First, create a climate where music is heard often.
Second, this must be done in the home, and third, the children must see
their parents listening to concerts and enjoying the music themselves.
Moral and spiritual training-creating a desire for God-must be done this
very same way.
_
740  The annual State of the World publication reports that in the autumn of
1983, the German Ministry of Food, Agriculture and Forestry reported that 34
percent of the nation's trees were yellowing, losing needles or leaves, or
showing other signs of damage. The report pointed to air pollution and acid
rain as a contributing, if not the leading cause. In eight countries, it is
stated that a quarter to a half of the forested area is damaged. "The first
angel sounded his trumpet . . . A third of the earth was burned up, a third
of the trees were burned up, and all the green grass was burned up."
(Revelation 8:7)
_
741  Music is used everywhere to condition the human mind. It can be
just as powerful as a drug and much more dangerous because nobody
takes musical manipulation very seriously.
-Eddy Manson, one-time President of the American Society of Music
Arrangers
_
742  The deposed and executed tyrant of Romania, Nikolae Ceausescu
published the largest book ever published in Romania. The preface
referred to this mad-man as "The Light of the Karpathian Mountains, the
embodiment of good. If there are gods, Ceausescu is one of them."
Ceausescu is presented as a dove with outstretched arms bringing peace to
the world.
     While his people were starving, Ceausescu's family flew in special
meats in order to feed their dogs. In his hatred of God and the Church, he
had Orthodox churches (which always face east in symbolic anticipation of
Christ's return) lifted from their foundations and moved 60 yards to face
westward. He forced hospitals to re-use needles and thus spread the plague
of AIDS among infants. Women were forced to have children and give
them up to the state. Reportedly, 50,000-60,000 children were forced to
reside in these state orphanages.
_
743  A Russian, a Czech, an American, and a Japanese went bear
hunting. The Russian and the Czech went one way; the American and
the Japanese went the other way. Ten minutes later, the American
and Japanese heard a yelp and the growling of a bear. When they
moved toward the growl, they heard another yelp and the growling of
another bear. As they made their approach, the American and
Japanese came upon two bears washing blood off their fur beside a
creek. "Bang, Bang"-they shot them both.
     Stringing them up to dress them out, they noticed that one
was male and one was female. They began cutting on the female when
the hat of the Russian fell out of her stomach. "You know what this
means?" asked the American.
     "What?" queried the Japanese.
     "This means the Czech is in the male!"
_
744  The executives could not understand why Carnation Evaporated
Milk sold much slower than Pet Milk in Mexican stores. Unable to read
English, the people had to look at the pictures on the cans. The cow on the
Pet can conveyed the message of milk-the carnation on the Carnation can
indicated that a flower was inside.
_
745  "I Did It My Way" is the theme of the crowd, the anthem of hell.
A.W. Tozer says, "Christ is not one of many ways to approach God, nor
is He the best of several ways; He is the only way-the way, the truth, the
life."
_
746  The story is told of the soldier who sent letter after letter to his
wife from overseas. As they came in, she piled them up on the coffee
table, never reading them. "Don't you love your husband?" a friend asked.
     "Oh yes, but I don't have time to read his letters," she replied.
     Like the foolish woman, how can we say that we love God if we
rarely read His love letters to us, found in the Bible?
_
747  One of Nixon's hatchet men, G. Gordon Liddy, has become a
Christian. For many people conversion involves a "rush of emotion."
Liddy says that for him, there came a "rush of reason." Eyes that were
blind can now see.
_
748  Be sure to pay the right price for money.
_
749  A very moving "Dear Abby" column had the following words by
Emily Perl Kingsley, author of the television movie, "Kids Like These":
     I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with
a disability-to try to help people who have not shared that unique
experience to under-stand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...
     When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous
vacation trip-to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your
wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo "David." The gondolas
in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very
exciting.
     After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You
pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The
stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
     "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up
for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to
Italy."
     But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland,
and there you must stay.
     The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible,
disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It's just
a different place.
     So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole
new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never
have met.
     It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy
than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your
breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills,
Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
     But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're
all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of
your life, you will say, "Yes that's where I was supposed to go. That's what
I had planned."
     And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away because the loss of
that dream is a very significant loss.
     But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to
Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely
things about Holland.
_
750  Michael Faraday was  born in 1791, the son of a blacksmith.
Being one of ten children, he had no opportunity for education beyond
reading and writing. As a young man, he became an apprentice at a
bookbindery where he not only bound books, but read the books he
bound. He learned much, especially about chemistry and electricity.
     Later, he became an assistant to the English chemist, Sir
Humphrey Davy, who gave him the low-paying menial task of bottle-
washing.
     From such humble beginnings Faraday went on to become the
greatest philosopher of his day. Sir Humphrey Davy was asked late in life,
"What do you consider to be your greatest discovery?" To which he
responded, "Michael Faraday." Davy knew that Faraday's brilliance and
promise would lead him into great achievements to which no one
discovery of his could compare. He was right-Faraday's achievements
eclipsed those of his mentor, Sir Humphrey Davy.
     Michael Faraday was a devout Christian. He was once asked by a
distinguished scientist, "Have you conceived to yourself what will be your
occupation in the next world?" Hesitating awhile, Faraday answered, "Eye
hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither has it entered into the heart of man,
the things that God has prepared for those that love Him." He then added,
"I shall be with Christ, and that is enough."
     Faraday craved no attention for himself. After Faraday lectured on
the nature and properties of the magnet to a group of distinguished
persons, the Prince of Wales rose to propose a motion of congratulation,
to which the crowd responded with loud applause. Faraday did not appear.
Only his most intimate friends knew what had become of him. Faraday
was an elder in a small church, and the hour at which he concluded his
lecture was the hour of the weeknight prayer meeting.
     In 1831, he accomplished his greatest feat. He constructed a little
black box. Not an ordinary box, for inside was a small electric generator.
This generator has been called the greatest single electrical discovery in
history. Until then only chemical batteries were used for power.
     After demonstrating a rough prototype to one of his colleagues,
Faraday was asked, "What is it good for?" Faraday replied, "What is any
baby good for?"
     Faraday had vision into the future, recognizing that the maturing
of his invention, large powerful electric generators, would turn the world
upside down-and it has.
_
751  LETTER FROM MOTHER TO HER SON

Dear Son:
     Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm
writing this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. You
won't know the house when you come home 'cuz we moved. It's a lot
of trouble moving. The most difficult thing was the bed. You see, the
man wouldn't let us take it in the taxi. It wouldn't have been so bad
if your father hadn't been sleeping in it at the time. About your
father-he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He's
cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister got herself engaged to
that fellow she's been going with. He gave her a beautiful ring with
three stones missing. Our neighbors, the Rubinski's, started to keep
pigs. We got wind of it this morning. I got my appendix out and a
dishwasher put in. There was a washing machine in the new house
when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14
shirts into it and pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.
Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying. All the
boys in high school have new suits. We can't afford to buy him a new
suit, but we're going to buy him a new hat and let him look out the
window. Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't heard
yet whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you're an
aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of
whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Four of his workmates dived in to save
him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it
took three days to put the fire out. It rained only twice last week-first
for 3 days and then for 4 days. Monday was so windy that one of our
chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter yesterday from
the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn't paid on your
grandmother within 7 days, up she comes. I must close now, I was
going to send you $10.00, but I had already sealed the envelope.

Your loving Mother.
_
752  In the days of the Roman Emperor Nero, there lived and served
him a band of soldiers known as the "Emperor's Wrestlers." Fine, stalwart
men they were, picked from the best and the bravest of the land, recruited
from the great athletes of the Roman amphitheater.
     In the great amphitheater they upheld the arms of the emperor
against all challengers. Before each contest they stood before the
emperor's throne. Then through the courts of Rome rang the cry: "We, the
wrestlers, wrestling for thee, O Emperor, to win for thee the victory and
from thee, the victor's crown."
     When the great Roman army was sent to fight in far away Gaul,
no soldiers were braver or more loyal than this band of wrestlers led by
their centurion Vespasian. But news reached Nero that many Roman
soldiers had accepted the Christian faith. Therefore, this decree was
dispatched to the centurion Vespasian: "If there be any among your
soldiers who cling to the faith of the Christian, they must die!"
     The decree was received in the dead of winter. The soldiers were
camped on the shore of a frozen inland lake. It was with sinking heart that
Vespasian, the centurion, read the emperor's message.
     Vespasian called the soldiers together and asked the question, "Are
there among you who cling to the faith of the Christian? If so, let him step
forward!" Forty wrestlers instantly stepped forward two paces, respectfully
saluted, and stood at attention. Vespasian paused. He had not expected so
many, nor such select ones. "Until sundown I shall await your answer,"
said Vespasian. Sundown came. Again the question was asked. Again the
forty wrestlers stepped forward.
     Vespasian pleaded with them long and earnestly without prevailing
upon a single man to deny his Lord. Finally he said, "The decree of the
emperor must be obeyed, but I am not willing that your comrades should
shed your blood. I am going to order that you march out upon the lake of
ice, and I shall leave you there to the mercy of the elements."
     The forty wrestlers were stripped and then, falling into columns of
four, marched toward the center of the lake of ice. As they marched they
broke into the chant of the arena: "Forty wrestlers, wrestling for Thee, O
Christ, to win for Thee the victory and from Thee, the victor's crown!"
Through the long hours of the night Vespasian stood by his campfire and
watched. As he waited through the long night, there came to him fainter
and fainter the wrestlers' song.
     As morning drew near one figure, overcome by exposure, crept
quietly toward the fire; in the extremity of his suffering he had renounced
his Lord. Faintly but clearly from the darkness came the song, "thirty-nine
wrestlers, wrestling for Thee, O Christ, to win for Thee the victory and
from Thee, the victor's crown!"
     Vespasian looked at the figure drawing close to the fire. Perhaps
he saw eternal light shining there toward the center of the lake. Who can
say? But off came his helmet and clothing, and he sprang upon the ice,
crying, "Forty wrestlers, wrestling for Thee, O Christ, to win for Thee the
victory and from Thee, the victor's crown!"
-By Paul Tassel
(Quoted in Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations,
Paul Lee Tan, Editor)
_
753  Consider the following "Letter To The Editor":
To the Editor:
     The recent hurricane and earthquake disasters had teams of
people searching for human life in the midst of ruin and rubble. Trained
dogs were unleashed to sniff out possible human life buried in the debris.
Sensitive listening devices were probably utilized in order to detect any
vibration of human life. You can be sure that the search to locate and save
human life will not end until everyone is certain, certain beyond a shadow
of doubt, that no human life exists below the surface of the wreckage.
     In light of this, it is beyond moral comprehension to see debate
continue over the right to destroy human life resting in the womb. Granted
there is disagreement over when human life begins, but this disagreement
alone should cause us to take the very same attitude we have after an
earthquake, i.e. the attitude that treasures human life and says, "If we are
going to err, let us err on the side of human life."
     Some in favor of abortion argue that only the unborn who are
"wanted" and show signs of becoming "productive" citizens should be
allowed to live. To follow this reasoning would not only empty the womb
of deformed unborn children, but it would also empty nurseries of
"unwanted" one-and two-year-olds-and empty nursing homes and hospitals
of the many "unwanted" and "unproductive" who reside there. Let us not
be deceived-once the sanctity of life in the womb is destroyed, then we
have begun on a slippery slope.
     Would someone dare argue to leave a father or a mother in the
earthquake rubble because they have lost arms and legs making them
"unproductive?" Abortion too, is an issue dealing with sacred human life.
     Consider this slippery slope scenario: "Today society has accepted
the false notion that an unborn child is 'mere human tissue'-like a tumor to
be removed. Tomorrow society decides to market and sell this human
tissue (like blood and hair are sold). Imagine the fetus squirming in the
mother's womb as the skillful hand of a surgeon removes a thyroid, a
pancreas, and a kidney. Imagine all the glamorous hairstyles glistening in
the light because fetal collagen has been removed."
     Yes, everyone has a right to his or her opinion. However,
experience teaches us that not every opinion is right. If we are going to be
pro-choice, let us at least be pro-informed choice and pro-moral choice.
Unfortunately, the opinion and choice of some make it safer to be the
victim of an earthquake (or a gray whale), than to be an unborn child
hoping for a chance in the womb.
     May all moral and courageous people begin to speak up for those
who cannot speak for themselves.        With a broken heart,
-J.K.G.
_
754  "Settler and Pioneer Theology," by Wes Seeliger

The Church-
In Settler Theology the church is a courthouse.
The old stone structure dominates the town square.
Inside its walls records are kept,
Taxes are paid, and trials are held for bad guys.
It is a symbol of security, law, and order.

In Pioneer theology the church is a covered wagon.
It is a house on wheels-always on the move.
It bears the marks of life.
It creaks, is scarred with arrow marks, and bandaged with bailing wire.
The covered wagon is always where the action is.

God-
In Settler Theology God is like a mayor.
He smokes big cigars and lounges comfortably in an overstuffed chair in
the courthouse office.
No one dares approach him.
Guys in black hats fear him.
Guys in white hats rely on him to keep things under control.

In Pioneer Theology God is like a trail boss.
He is rough and rugged full of life.
He lives and fights with his men.
Without him the pioneers would become fat and lazy.
He often gets down in the mud with the pioneers to help push the wagon
when it gets bogged down.

Jesus-
In Settler Theology Jesus is the sheriff.
He is the guy sent by the mayor to enforce the rules.
He wears a white hat and always outdraws the bad guys.
He also decides who gets thrown into jail.

In Pioneer Theology Jesus is a scout.
He rides out ahead to find out which way the pioneers should go.
He lives all the dangers of the trail.
He doesn't ask the pioneers to do what he didn't do first.
His spirit and guts serve as a model to all.
Christian-
In Settler Theology the Christian is the settler. His concern is to stay out
of the sheriff's way.
He tends a small garden.
His motto is "Safety First."
To him, the courthouse is a symbol of security, order, and happiness.

In Pioneer Theology the Christian is a pioneer.
He is a man of risk and daring, hungry for adventure, new life.
He is tough, rides hard, and knows how to handle himself through trials
and danger.
He enjoys the challenge of the trail.

Faith-
In Settler Theology faith is trusting in the safety of the town, obeying the
laws, believing the mayor is always in the courthouse, and keeping your
nose clean.

In Pioneer Theology faith is the spirit of adventure.
It is the readiness to move out, to risk everything on the trail.

Sin-
In Settler Theology sin is breaking one of the town's ordinances.

In Pioneer Theology sin is wanting to turn back
_
755               FINAL EXAM

INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all
questions. TIME LIMIT: 4 Hours.

HISTORY:     Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to
the present day, concerning especially but not exclusively, its social,
political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe,
Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

MEDICINE:     You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece
of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not
suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen (15)
minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING:    2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY:     Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent
human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English
parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

MUSIC:     Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PSYCHOLOGY:     Based on your knowledge of their works,
evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation
with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate
references. It is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY:     Estimate the sociological problems which might
accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
your theory.

ENGINEERING:     The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle
will be placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an
instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten (10) minutes a hungry
Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you
feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS:     Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the
national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.
Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method
from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your
point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

POLITICAL SCIENCE:     There is a red telephone on the desk
beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-
political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY:     Take a position for or against truth. Prove
the validity of your position.

PHYSICS:     Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer
an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.

PHILOSOPHY:      Sketch the development of human thought;
estimate its significance.  Compare with the development of any
other kind of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:     Describe in detail. Be objective and
specific
_
Acknowledgments

Excerpts where noted from Tramp for the Lord, by Corrie ten Boom.  Fleming H. Revell
Company, Old Tappan, New Jersey, 1974.

Excerpts where noted from A Philosophy of the Christian Religion, by Edward John
Carnell.  Eerdmans, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1952. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from Who Broke the Baby?,  by Jean Stakes Garton. Bethany
House Publishers, Minneapolis, Minnesota, 1989.  Preface.

Excerpts where noted from, Legacy of a Packrat, by Ruth Bell Graham. Oliver-Nelson
Books, Nashville, Tennessee, 1989. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from Did You Hear the One About . . ., by Soupy Sales. MacMillan
Publishing Company, New York, New York, 1987. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from Evidence That Demands a Verdict, by Josh McDowell.
Here's Life Publishers, Inc., San Bernadino, California, 1972. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from Mortal Lessons, Notes on the Art of Surgery, by Richard
Selzer. Simon and Schuster, New York, New York, 1974. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from And Are We Yet Alive?, by Richard B. Wilke. Abidgdon Press,
Nashville, Tennessee, 1986. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from Hopeful Imagination, by Walter Bruggeman. Fortress Press,
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 1986.

Excerpts where noted from Living, Loving and Learning, by Leo Buscaglia. Charles B.
Slack, Inc., Thorofare, New Jersey, 1982.

Excerpts where noted from A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, by Phillip Keller.
Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1970. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from Speaking in Stories, by William R. White. Augsburg
Publishing House, Minneapolis, Minnesota, 1982. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from Scientists Who Believe, edited by Eric Barrett and David
Fisher. Moody Press, Chicago, Illinois, 1984.

Excerpts where noted from His Mysterious Ways, by the Editors of Guideposts.
Guideposts Associates, Inc., Carmel, New York, 1988. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from You Can Make a Difference, by Anthony Campolo. Word
Inc., Waco Texas, 1984. Used by permission.

Excerpts where noted from Faith-Sharing, by H. Eddie Fox and George E. Morris. World
Methodist Council, Nashville, Tennessee, 1986.

Excerpts where noted from Evolution from Space, by Sir Fred Hoyle and Chandra
Wickramasinghe. Simon and Schuster, New York, New York, 1981.

Excerpts where noted from Grand Illusions, by George Grant. Wolgemuth and Hyatt,
Publishers, Inc., Brentwood, Tennessee, 1988.

Excerpts where noted from Following Christ . . . The Man of God, by Charles R.
Swindoll. Insight for Living, Fullerton, California (Distributed by Word, Inc.).

Excerpt where noted from article in United Methodist Communications, Fall 1990. Used by
permission.